General / Humour — 14 comments
22
Jun 10

India’s got Talent

If you follow me on Twitter or are connected with me on Facebook, you have no doubt been subjected to repeated plugs for this article of mine that appeared as “Mum, I Shrunk The Workplace” on Outlook. For the others, I’m sorry, there’s no escape. Here it is…

The nice folks at Outlook wanted me to write an article on how the landscape of “professions” has been changing in India. And they said they would pay me per word. You might notice that I’ve already ripped them off with this 48-word introduction. So let’s quickly start.

I passed my tenth standard in 1984. So my impressions about the career options that people had earlier is derived mostly from movies.

From what I can gather, the 60s and 70s were simple times.

Professions were broadly divided into two categories. Industrialists, businessmen, smugglers & black-marketers formed one group. Honest, upright, poor, virtuous, government employees formed the other. Members of the first group acquired buildings, property, bank-balances, bungalows and cars. Members of the second group had mother.

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Self-Promotion — No comments
05
Jun 10

Interview with Blog Adda

The title says it all. Here’s the link.

Desi Pundit / Humour / Politics — 32 comments
27
May 10

The Alternate Press Conference of Dr. Manmohan Singh

Yawn. What a boring press conference our PM had earlier this week. Read the transcript if you want. Note : It’s partly in Hindi.

Everybody knew what the questions would be. The usual stuff – Pakistan, terrorism, inflation, Naxals, corruption, Rahul, Sonia, and so on.

And everybody knew that there would be no real answers. If it’s a problem, we will look into it. If it’s corruption, the law will take its course. If it’s violence, we are open to talks. And if it’s the Family, we will wax eloquent about them. I wish the man at least tried it to make it a bit interesting. We know he is just a puppet, but even puppets are supposed to entertain, aren’t they?

Anyway, like we do in the case of so many other things, let us try self-help. If the government staunchly refuses to answer our questions, we shall have to do it ourselves. So here are the real answers that Manmohan never gave…

On inflation & economy : Please remember that this is a UPA govt. Which is why the economy has gone UPA, not neechey. And unfortunately prices went UPA-2. However we are working very hard to bring prices down. This is a government you can count on. As well as discount on.

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Self-Promotion — 11 comments
26
Nov 09

PUB – The Progressive Union of Bloggers

Voting for the Indibloggies has started and exit polls indicate that the voters are hopelessly in splits. So some of us candidates have decided to form a united front with a common, extremely minimum programme. Presenting – The Progressive Union of Bloggers.

pubflag

While the PUB has many happy hours, we understand that you, dear reader, have only a few minutes to spare. So here are short, snappy, 100-word speeches from the members of this alliance…

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Self-Promotion — 10 comments
25
Nov 09

YOUR TURN TO PUT

vote-mePut what, you ask? Put vote, I say.

Indibloggies, as you all know, is a highly prestigious award, which, after recent developments, has overtaken even the Nobel Peace Prize, in terms of credibility & importance.

Like its cheap imitations (Grammys, Oscars, etc.), Indibloggies too has various categories in which awards are given out. There are some technical awards like Best Blog & Most Humorous Blog which one needs to sit through. But by far, the most important categories are of course – “Best New Indiblog” and “Best IndiMicroblog”.

This blog has been shortlisted for “Best New Indiblog”. New??? Well it was quite new when nominations were called for. Since then, we have aged gracefully, but I would like to believe that Let’s Put Da still retains a lot of its childish immaturity.

Now all you need to do is write a program that keeps hitting the site and voting for ‘Let’s Put Da” – a cyber version of booth capturing. If your ethical code prevents you from doing this, you can do it the hard way – by visiting the site and voting. I’m not sure if a person can vote multiple times, but if not, you can always log in with various aliases (a list of names you could use is provided here).

So please go forth & vote and help Let’s Put Da join the ranks of Shiney Ahuja, Tushar Kapoor & Bobby Deol.

Incidentally, my twitter updates which be found here, or here, have been shortlisted for “Best IndiMicroblog”. So while you are at it, you might as well vote for me there too.

For the record, the person I admire most is Mother Teresa, and if I win I will work for world peace.

Here is the link to the polls – Indibloggies.

PS : Here are a few slogans that you can use to spread the word…

I’ll kick you with my foot da,
If you don’t vote for Let’s Put Da.

What is idli without vada,
What is bloggies without Let’s Put Da

Other blogs ko quote karo
Par Let’s Put Da ko vote karo.

General / Humour — 52 comments
12
Oct 09

The Nobel Peace Prize – Behind the Scenes

The announcement of Obama as the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize has raised a few eyebrows, shaken a few heads, and drawn a lot of ridicule. After all the committee had 205 nominations to choose from. So why pick a man whose formula for success is supposed to be 99% aspiration & 1% inspiration?

The internet is filled with imaginative theories on why he won. Some people feel it’s because his name is easier to pronounce than that of Ahmadinejad. Others postulate that he won it in a contest by virtue of being the tenth caller to the committee. All these theories may have merit, but one can never know for sure until 2059, which is when the deliberations of the Norwegian Nobel Committee will be released to the public.

However, painful persistence, dogged determination and a dose of hallucinogenic substances have allowed Let’s Put Da to lay its hands on the minutes of the committee meeting. So, dear reader, here they are…

(Note : In order to provide insight into the proceedings, the editor has randomly retained a few caricatured European accents derived by watching Peter Sellers movies and other such credible sources)

MINUTES OF THE NORWEGIAN NOBEL COMMITTEE

Nobel

Venue : Oslo
Date : October 2009
Chaired by : Thorbjorn Jagland
Also present : Kaci Kullman Five, Sissel Marie Ronbeck, Inger-Marie Ytterhorn, Agot Vlle
Agenda : To decide the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize 2009

TJ : I call zis meeting to order.

KK5 : Ja, Ja. It ees time we start.

TJ : Ladees & me, we are gathered here to choose ze Nobel Peez Prize. As you all know it ees very prestigious and carries a heck-of-a-lot-of money. So let us choose carefully and wisely.

IMY : Yess. Yess. I agree. Peace is precious. War is bad. I have been reading a book by Tolstoy on thees subject for the last 4 years. It really helps me sleep peacefully.

TJ : Ok, Ingel. Let us get ze started. Sissel, could you read out the first finalist plees…

SMR : Thees is a man from India. Called Morarji Desai. It seems he was so fond of pees that he used to drink it everyday.

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General / Humour — 30 comments
04
Sep 09

A Sarkari Formula 1

Dear Dr. Mallya,

I hope this missive finds you in the pink of health and the black of wealth.

I notice that you have been making attempts to help JPSK Sports get government funding for F1. But you must be aware that the sports ministry has firmly declared that anything expensive & entertaining cannot be called a sport. They prefer investing our tax money into activities that are cheap & boring (Kho Kho & Malkhamb to name a couple). In any case, hasn’t the Olympic telecast on DD conclusively proved to you, that in India, sport & entertainment do not mix.

I saw that you tried to take on the minister, MS Gill, on this issue, but you seem to have been sternly rebuffed. In other words you got a danda from gilli.*

But seriously, why on earth do the organisers want money from our government? I know that petrol prices have gone up, but still, isn’t F1 a rather prosperous pursuit? They say it has a global TV audience of 600 million. Surely such a venture would attract some capital. It’s like “Who wants to be a millionaire?” asking the government for a small subsidy.

And think of the perils you invite if you allow our government to get into the event. I can imagine a cabinet meeting where every ministry imposes its agenda on the race. Here is a partial list of possible policy decisions…

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General / Humour / Politics — 15 comments
26
Aug 09

New Indian Nursery Rhymes – 2

Arun Shourie’s “Humpty Dumpty” outburst reminded me of some stuff I had written many months back and had completely forgotten to post – The second installment of new Indian nursery rhymes. You can check out the first part here.

So I dug them out and here they are. I know they are a bit dated (they pertain to stuff that happened 6-8 months back), but what the heck, it’s still better to have nursery rhymes that are drawn from India circa 2008 than Europe circa 16th century. Sing along for best results :-) …

Based on “Little Miss Muffet”.

Little Miss Jaya,
Eats some papaya,
Along with some curd and rice.
If you want a favour,
Some money you gave her,
For Miss Jaya comes at a price.

Based on “Pussy Cat Pussy Cat”.

Prakash Karat, Prakash Karat, where have you been?
I’ve been to Beijing to visit the Cheen.
Prakash Karat, Prakash Karat, what did you there?
I promised my bosses, that I’d do my share.

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General / Humour — 22 comments
24
Aug 09

Happenings in Pigland

There is unrest in Pigland. Fat pigs are quivering. Small pigs are squeaking. Medium pigs are grunting. This has been a bad month for them.

pig-swine-with-mask-043009Firstly, there is this new epidemic – human flu – which has been scything through Pigland. As of date, no less than 17 pigs have been exterminated by this dreaded disease. The health ministry of Pigland is declaring emergency measures to combat this scourge. When it was pointed out that 17 is no big deal, that over 100 million pigs are slaughtered in the USA alone every year, he indignantly retorted, “Please do not cast these pearls of wisdom before a swine like me. This is a big health issue. We live in unhygenic surroundings. In gutters and like. No wonder we are referred to as ‘Sewer Ke Bacche’. So we have to do something. But don’t worry, there is a bacon of hope. A new drug can save you. One pork and you’ll be fine.” Meanwhile, the worried denizens of Pigland are roaming around the streets wearing masks. Which they only remove to dig their snout into some tasty garbage.

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Encounters / Humour / Politics — 54 comments
29
Jul 09

Modi & Modi United

There’s a politically charged atmosphere in the room. All the leading reporters of India are babbling excitedly. Two of India’s most reputed administrators have called for a press conference. Rumours abound that a new political party is to be launched.

With Congress continuing to have congress with the public, BJP neither helping the Bharatiya Janata nor allowing anybody to Party, and thinking having left all leftist thinkers, the time seems ripe for a new formation.

In walks Narendra Modi in a spotless kurta-pajama and Lalit Modi in a spotted tie and his (only?) grey suit. There’s an eager silence as Lalit Modi unfolds a (thankfully) small piece of paper and reads from it…

I, Lalit Modi & he, Narendra Modi, have realized that we are India’s most capable administrators. We have, therefore, decided to launch a new political party – Modisattva. The party will work for peace, prosperity & high TRPs. I hereby declare the Modisattva party open. Any questions folks?

Reporter : Hi, I’m from the Pioneer, so I’ll ask the first question, heh heh. So, Mr. Modi, why have you decided to leave the BJP? And you Mr. Lalit Modi. Why are you leaving the IPL?

Narendra Modi : Well, for a party that calls itself right-wing, the BJP is getting too many things wrong. Our terrorism plank backfired. We tried Ram and got rammed. In fact, the elections results were such a joke that the party is now in splits. I believe it’s time to move on.

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Self-Promotion — 6 comments
26
Jul 09

B2B – Back To Blogging

Mein Gita ke upar haath rakh ke… Ouch! Gita tells me that she doesn’t appreciate being pawed by me. Let’s do this in English, shall we…

I place my hand on the Gita and swear…Damn! Gita has a problem with this too. Let’s just leave her out of this.

I solemnly swear that I will stop mucking around with WordPress, CSS, PHP, plugins & themes; stop ducking around with the excuse of being too busy at work & play; and resume er… lucking around with politicians, media-people, and all the other clowns who inhabit our country.

In other words, back to active blogging.

The bar-hopping was fun incidentally, and I’m amazed at the variety of options that this WordPress joint has. I went through thousands of themes before arriving at this one, so I hope you like it. If you don’t, just hold your nose and take a few gulps. It’s an acquired taste. But it took me a month or so to like it, so keep at it, dear reader.

Meanwhile, Manmohan resumed his dithering, his ministers are blithering, Advani continued his withering and Muthalik, I hear, is slithering back. So there’s lots more to put, and put we shall.

Cheers

Short Puts – the collection of my twitter updates can now be found here.

Self-Promotion — 9 comments
31
May 09

Let’s Hop Da

Dear Reader,

We’ve been ‘putting’ for some time at the Blogger Bar. The ambience is familiar, the waiters are our friends and the management has been tolerant.

But the time has come to hop. To check out another bar. The one called WordPress. I’ve heard they have better decor and a much better variety of drinks. All at the same reasonable rate (zero) as Blogger.

So let’s settle the bill here and stagger on to the next bar. It might take a couple of days to get there. I’ll probably stumble on the way. We might lose each other. But, what the heck. I’m sure we’ll all get there somehow.

I’m writing this post so that if you lose me during this hop, you know where to find me. But then again, if I screw things up, this post too will disappear. Aaaargh. Life is complex. I need a drink.

OK. Let’s go. See you there.

Ramesh

Humour / Politics — 38 comments
14
May 09

Deconstruction of Election Symbols

The polling action is over. And the appolling auction begins. All parties will now cook the fragile egg of democracy by scrambling for power and poaching rival candidates. Like any sporting contest, all parties have a common goal but distinctive styles. And one can get an inkling of what to expect from them by deconstructing their election symbols. Here is a post-modern attempt…

THE HOPEFULS

CongressHAND – The symbol of the Congress is the Hand. Or more precisely, the palm. Or even more precisely, an open palm. That is waiting to be greased. The five fingers represent the five guiding principles of the party – To keep entrepreneurship under its Thumb. Thus pushing up the consumer price Index after which they can announce sops. To occupy the Middle ground on all issues thereby staying clear of any principles. To Ring up Sonia before making any decision. And to pander to every Little whim of all their coalition partners. The Hand is intended to subliminally indicate that any parliament with too little Congressmen will behave in an underhand manner. Unfortunately, an excess of seats makes them high-handed. The party ran out of partners before the election and thus had no choice but to use its Hand.

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General / Humour — 62 comments
18
Mar 09

The Bharatiya Oscar Awards – Bhaskars

I wonder why we folks are so happy about Slumdog Millionaire winning so many awards. Of course, I love the fact that Rahman finally got some recognition. And Resul Pookutty got a foreign trip. But why are we so ecstatic about the other awards? Isn’t it a bit like Germany celebrating the fact that Schindler’s List swept the Oscars.

Instead, in true swadeshi style, let’s institute our own Bharatiya Oscars – The Bhaskars. After all, in India, drama, action & comedy aren’t confined to the movies. They are played out in glorious 3-D in all aspects of our life. So here is my list for the 2008 Bhaskars…

Best Story – A Deputy CM demonstrates his adherence to the law by falling in love with a former assistant advocate general. Unfortunately he already has a wife. The Hindu lovers become a Muslim couple – Chand Mohammed & Fiza. Once he has got into her Nikaahs, he decides to go back to his first wife. Fiza attempts suicide, accuses him of rape, and his family of occult practices but Chand is unmoved. He divorces her through SMS and she gets a role in a Bollywood movie. For this fascinating saga involving politics, law, love, religion, crime, horror, glamour & technology, the Bhaskar Award for Best Story goes to Chander Mohan a.k.a. Chand Mohammed for “Fiza Ke Liye”.

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Humour / Politics — 27 comments
10
Feb 09

Rationalizing Government – A Leaner, Meaner Council of Ministers

Warning : This is a long post. But then it is an ambitious task.

Manmohan Singh must be having a tough time priming so many ministers. Take a look at this. As of now there are 49 ministries & 2 departments being handled by him & 38 other ministers. Plus 40 Ministers of State (without independent charge). It’s time to trim. Here is a way to ensure that our cabinet bears less resemblance to a walk-in wardrobe…

1. The Ministry for Women & Child Development will be brought under the Home Ministry, which will then be renamed the Home & Hearth Ministry. After all, Indian Culture says that a woman’s place is in her home. The ‘food’ portfolio will also be brought under the Home & Hearth ministry, because within home, a woman’s place is specifically in the kitchen. Pramod Muthalik will run this ministry. And given his concerns about youth, the Ministry of Youth Affairs will also come in here. So will the Ministry of Environment & Forests. After all, Muthalik is well versed in jungle law.

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