100-word Election Speeches – Part 2

If you haven’t read Part 1, this might make no sense. You may want to click here and read that first.

If you have read Part 1, this will probably still make no sense. But then, when did our leaders ever make any? Read on…

Vijay Mallya – Dear guests, I’m here to promise you Rum Rajya. Eight years back, a friend of mine invited me to join a party. I completely misunderstood him and…well…so here I am. Vote for me and let the good times roll. I’ll fill government with Diplomats to deal with the Romanovs and McDowells. The army will be equipped as per the Officers’ Choice and every terrorist will be quart. The economy will thus get a boozed and you can enjoy it with just-ice. The country will fly, our flag will be high and no bad laws will be passed. Because, whenever a bill is presented in parliament, I’ll just refuse to pay it. I be PM. UB happy.

Laloo – Brothers, sisters, mothers & fodders, thank you for grazing this occasion. Do you want cowards to rule you? Or cow-herds. My steely vision, SIMIan intelligence and Rabri morals made me a great minister. I got the trains moo-ing. My loco-ness and my motives ensured many new locomotives. I planned to introduce 49.5% reservation in trains, but I found that it was already 100%. I promise to milk the economy, and ensure that the GDP will gobar 10%. I’ll be friends with Sarkozy. After all La-loo means ‘French toilet’. Udder countries will be faced with cud missiles. So make me PM and you’ll have no beef.

Karunanidhi – Tamizhargale. When I was a child, my teacher made me write, “Mein hamesha sacch bolunga” a hundred times as punishment. Since then, I have been against any imposition of Hindi. Make me PM, and I’ll introduce the two-language formula – Tamil and C++. But, I’m not a regional leader. We are just very keen to keep Rahul Dravid in the Indian team. Hence DMK and the Dravidian movement. I promise a kind government. We will work to “Save the Tiger”. Of every kind. Culture will flourish. Books like Sivagami, crafts like Origami and arts like er… polygamy. So vote for me. Let the sun rise (and my son too).

Prakash Karat – Comrades, I stand before you as a product of China with the flavour of India. A bit like Paneer Manchurian. I’ve had a sweet-sour relationship with you but I promise that if you make me PM, I’ll fulfill all your needs and Wontons. Peking into the future, I see a country with compulsory education – everyone will be well, red. Your land, wealth, possessions (in fact everything except information) will be made public. Because, in Mao opinion, people should be equal and poverty should be spread equally. So vote for me and go for the Karat. Or would you prefer the stick?

Link to Part 3 with more regional rabble. Am open to suggestions.

Disclaimer : All characters above are not merely fictional. They are stranger than fiction.

Put Share Da

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42 comments

  1. Ramsay says:

    The moving finger writeth. Next post please, can’t bear the waiting.

  2. raghav says:

    awesome man!!
    especially french toilet!!
    ha ha ha great goin!!

  3. Dsylexic says:

    YO DC.geez you shameless pilferer.you stole a comment word for word from an earlier post by Anonymous

  4. DC says:

    Perhaps Mammotha Bannerjee? -a speech that exposes the Breastachar in er WBengal pubic life?

  5. aneri_masi says:

    I loved the one with La-loo :)

  6. dolphin says:

    haha, again just the best… very well grazed!! ;) i suggest you to read my take on politics http://bhanukishore.blogspot.com/2008/12/lighter-side-2611-aftermath-cabinet.html
    my suggestions – chandrababu naidu, raj thackeray, bal thackeray, narendra modi! and of course asif ali zardari and his tongue twisters!!

  7. Maula says:

    Hey man… wanna see a Raj Thackeray

  8. olive oyl says:

    even i vote for mamata banerjee.

    with so many options, i being a first time voter, is thoroughly confused. and in cases of quite a few youngsters, they simply follow what i call tradition voting; casting vote to the party that their families have voted through generations.

    with such illuminating personalities on the desi front, we’ve surpassed USA in at least one field. they have only one bush. we seem to be having whole forest.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Perhaps Mammotha Bannerjee? -a speech that exposes the Breastachar in er WBengal pubic life?

  10. Traveler says:

    hahahahahahhaah…..

    aaaaah.. Btech in Humour….

  11. Ashish says:

    this is awesome…the disclaimer takes the cake

  12. Shyam says:

    Imaginary KJ speech….although nowhere nearly as good as urs!

    Ladies & Pretty Men,
    Life’s all about loving your parents, not about fighting terrorists. I’ll therefore ensure Dostana with Pakistan & eventually send it to the oscars. Naxals & Maoists I will combat with Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag..If that does not solve the problem, I will use the ever reliable Himesh Reshamiya. I promise to work tirelessly for your welfare & Never Say Good bye until I’ve fixed all your problems. And if you are not happy with my work, I will simply invite you to have Koffee with me. Unlike the previous home ministry, I will be proactive. I will pass a law requiring you to name your homes starting with 'K', consisting of four words which are shortened to four letters. In partnership with Anbumani Ramadoss (*another ‘pretty’ man *), I will fight for minorities’ rights. After all, Kuch Kuch Hota Gay. I will then have KantaBen scourge the country for people who are, well, not straight & bring them to limelight.
    In short, all of you will be happy, & I, GAY!

  13. vipinveetil says:

    This should be a tv series, great going

    and taking about tv, how about Bharkha contesting elections!

    cheers

  14. AsMi says:

    I just have one question: where were you all this while?

    Keep Rocking Da!

  15. Anonymous says:

    how about arrack obama contesting elections in India…
    - Mukund

  16. Deepa Subbaraman says:

    My request : Some speeches by the Gowdas clan and perhaps a two bit from “the son of the son of the soil”, his brat who caused some nuisance in the empire hotel recently..

    This time i have posted about the OLD FARTS politicos who just dont go away… http://deepasubbaraman.blogspot.com/2008/12/retirement-age-in-politics.html

    Guess they would be sleeping thro any of the speeches you have reviewed :D

    But I am reading for sure, so please keep em coming. Cheers, D

  17. Ramesh Srivats says:

    Thank you all.

    @SRK, I have a Salman Khan speech posted earlier.

    @mads, Mayawati does her bit in part 1.

  18. mads says:

    and hey, i also want mayawati!

  19. Avinash Narula says:

    I think Mr. Mallya need a reality check. He should know his status. He is asking for govt. help every time for his airline but he is growing his other business as ever.

  20. Five Wise Men says:

    i bow thee oh king of pun

  21. Akshay says:

    Just when you think that one cannot pack so many punches into one sentence, you come up with another brilliant post!

  22. donraja says:

    machaan….its hilarous da…esp the mallya speech. With your blog, you’ve made me interested in one topic that i never ever cared for throughout my life….POLITICS. And as usual your disclaimer is priceless….its like a trademark punch now…..

  23. Anonymous says:

    With Indian politics/characters as a backdrop there is no dearth of writing material :-)

  24. Smitha says:

    Absolutely rib-tickling! Still can’t stop laughing!

  25. SRK says:

    very nice…
    I propose Hema Malini to give a speech… Govinda too if possible…
    Nitish Bharadwaj, for asking for votes in the name of Lord Krishna…

    the regular politicians are mocked at anyways… let’s give these part-timers a chance to shine…

  26. Sauvik says:

    Well worth the wait. A brilliant exposition of the fine art of political satire.

  27. Shyam says:

    Another masterpiece….awesome….

  28. Ramesh Srivats says:

    Thanks all. Will try out the suggested candidates.
    @Ramsay, I’m not known for my modesty, but your comment makes even me redden :-)
    @Bones, Sonia stars in Part 1 of this post.

  29. Bones says:

    Ha!Ha!Ha! The Disclaimer was the funniest…What about a speech by Jyoti Basu? Or even Sonia Gandhi with her Italian accent?

  30. Ramsay says:

    Marvellous to do it with unfailing regularity. But you should do it more often. Makes life immeasurably enjoyable. The waiting is unbearable. You are right up there with Bates, Herriot, Jerome, Mikes and Wodehouse. But the comparison does not do your fertile intellect enough justice.
    Ramsay

  31. Kunal says:

    Another stroke of genius!

    :D

  32. Miten says:

    Hey Ramesh,

    This is BRILLIANT !!! Loved every word, and every word-play :)

    You must do Raj Thackeray, Bal Thackeray, Vilasrao Deshmukh, Navjot Sidhu, Mamta Banerjee, Sharad Pawar …

  33. Rahul Rao says:

    hahahahahaha…. loved the disclaimer the best.

  34. Gopinath's "Artickles" says:

    Ramesh, you have a surprise waiting for you in my latest blogpost! Link:
    http://whatnonsanz.blogspot.com/2008/12/fresh-limericks-just-out-of-oven.html

  35. Gireesh subramaniam says:

    Good..Lets have this series going.

    Suggestions: Karunakaran..if u are familiar with kerala politics,u will he has been mocked more times in mimickry shows than even malayalam cine-actors

    Raj Thackerey: As mads said,it will be a really tuff one even for ur superior skill level to match his “great” speeches

    Krishnaswamy: not a very popular leader.But he is very closely related in intelligence or lack of it to ur sweet-heart,Anbumani Ramdoss

    Uma Bharthi I demand we use this opportunity to become equal opportunity offenders.poking fun at both the sexes without any bias :D

  36. vishwas krishna says:

    Liked Karat’s speech very much. Would like to hear Kumaraswamy’s speech. Even his father’s will do.

  37. Karthik says:

    ROFL@disclaimer

  38. Rahul Jauhari says:

    ha ha ha ha

  39. rambodoc says:

    This blog promises to be another India Uncut, with its own flavor. Fool-o-phall-low, and Twitter follow!

  40. Gopinath's "Artickles" says:

    That was great stuff, Ramesh. How about Navjot singh siddhu?

  41. mads says:

    Did you say regional?
    Dude, my region houses the guy with the most interesting speeches. (and i mean without help from you)
    Ever seen a Raj Thackeray speech?
    I wanna see you match that.

  42. MP says:

    Hilarious! How about Deve Gowda, Mamta & Raj Thackeray – three of the most "loved" regional goons?

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