100-word Election Speeches – Part 3

Link to introduction & Part 1.
Link to Part 2.

The elections are getting closer and closer. Parties have made their guest-lists. They are preparing their manifestoes and their bullet-points. People are talking Ram & stocking rum. Old leaders are trying to make news. While new candidates are making old noises. In all this buzz, here are some more suggestions for quick, snappy, speeches…

Sanjay Dutt - Oy there. Vote for me, ok. I want to be PM. My career started in a Rocky manner. But I soon made a Naam for myself. The Mumbai Blasts were a Kaante in my flesh because people thought I had made our Dushman into my Saajan. So I was called Khalnayak and kept in Kabzaa for possessing Hathyaar. But now I’m back with a Dhamaal. I fail to understand why, just because I’m a movie star, I’ve become the Dutt of all jokes. Believe me, I’m a man of deep conviction – 6 years to be precise. So vote for me and vote for a muscular India. Sanjay ka Haath, Arm Aadmi ke Saath.

Mamata Banerjee – Farmers, and former farmers. This is your Didi standing before you asking for your vote. These industrialists want your land to set up plants. What for I say? Don’t farmers anyway grow plants? Industry? Na, no, never. I will ban progress. After all, people respectfully call me Bannerjee. Your Didi will make a great PM. With the constant terrorist threat, we need a PM capable of ordering surgical strikes. Or even, if necessary, a nuclear strike. And I am a veteran of strikes. Auto strike, lawyer strike and so on. So vote for me and let us restore Farm Rajya in this country.

Raj Thackeray - Manoos & er.. womanoos. Make me PM and I promise to protect our borders. I’ll ban everything Pakistani. Singers, sportsmen, jugglers. Movies like Pakeezah. Sweets like Mysore Pak. Even games like Pakman. You see, by eliminating all peaceful visitors, we can attack any Pakistani on the street because he, then, must be a terrorist. Of course, if he’s armed, we’ll let our Bhaiyyas in NSG handle it. I’ll spread Marathi around India, signboard by signboard. Marathi is music to my ears and I love music. Especially violence. And sometimes, I play the loot. I am well educated, in the famous Goon School, where I studied the work of the poet Burns. Unlike my uncle, I have Bals. So please vote for me and send me to Delhi. Or else, I’ll remain in Mumbai.

Barkha Dutt - You the people. I request you to vote me in as PM. This nation is floating meaninglessly. It needs an anchor. Like me. I will not treat politics as a business. I’ll make it personal. Very personal. I will personally investigate every terror attack and fearlessly interrogate the er… victims. I’ll have no secrets and I’ll ensure that our nation too has none. After all, even terrorists count in the TRPs, don’t they? I’ll cajole our industrialists to ensure that our economy is sensational. I’ll add melodrama to parliamentary proceedings thus making it prime-time viewing. I beg you for your vote. So, please vote for me. Or I’ll cry.

Considering I’ve plunged down to people like Barkha Dutt, I guess its time to end this series. Unless some fresh jokers enter politics.

Disclaimer : The above speeches are pure fiction. So it does not purport to represent the state of Indian politics, which is more about friction, factions & infractions.

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40 comments

  1. rupesh nayak says:

    nice thoughts about sanju baba

  2. rupesh says:

    the hoooool…… of barkha dutt ….
    you the people…. the best part i like that

  3. Akshat Mohindra says:

    Hi Ramesh Sir,

    I started from your first page today and was going through other posts.. amazingly brilliant .. though I am sure you have received this and more much before my comment .. !!

    Why don’t you try on the following people
    1. Shivraj Patil – the story of him changing clothes and many in-decision making capability
    2. Chander Mohan – The guy who changed his religion for a girl.
    3. Jaswant Singh – with all the Jinnah controversies behind him

    Regards

  4. Mamma Mia! Me a Mamma?!? says:

    Hilarious? Have you sent this to the TOI? I think they’ll love it!

  5. Anonymous says:

    i read all ur 3 pages
    man they r toooo good
    keep up the work
    hoho..man i still cant stop laughing

  6. Monika says:

    lol!!! i read all three and still laughing :)

  7. Venkat says:

    Superb again!!! I came here from the first part via the second :)

    You could try more about Jaya, Modi, Rahul, Amar Singh etc, am suggesting unmindful of the fact you have stopped with Burkha crying :-))

  8. shivaprasad krishnan says:

    ramesh..as always kept me in splits.you should try doing a CM aspirants’ piece

  9. Rajesh says:

    Mysore Pak and Pak man … too good

  10. rangarajaniyengar says:

    this is hilarious! i loved the sanjay dutt speech. btw, in kolkata i had seen a poster of Naam (i think) that read, Naam starring sonjoy dutta – hee hee!

  11. Solilo says:

    This is the best thing I read in ages.

    Manoos and Womanoos. I am still laughing.

  12. Indian Home Maker says:

    :) Great … LOL :)

    But seriously, that’s all speeches mean to them!!!

    I agree with A above, how about Azharuddin’s speech!!?

  13. Subbu says:

    Good one and am glad to see the wonderful Barkha on these pages. BTW, there are some more candidates like Chiranjeevi, Kerala CM and his dog. You should also let your imagine run even more wild and consider the likes of Simi Garewal, Pakistani politicians, George W.Bush, Bin Laden etc trying to contest our elections!!!! That will be good fun

  14. Goofy Mumma says:

    Superb Ramesh. Wonderful. Keep it going. Have linked this post in mine.

  15. A says:

    Hey another joker entered policis, name is azhar-ud-din…comments?

  16. Asmyaham says:

    great post…pun all the way…:)

  17. Ramesh Srivats says:

    Thanks all.

    @Dev Sonia stars in Part 1 of this series.

  18. Chaos says:

    Chaos is actually http://cluelessness.wordpress.com, the thing is not letting me sign in..

  19. Chaos says:

    Howlarious!! Now people are wondering why I am giggling at my code at work! ( I switched windows obviously!)

    Heheheh

  20. Dev says:

    This was hilarious. Please keep it coming. How about an encore (you can cover the Gandhis, Samajwadi Party :) )

  21. Mihir says:

    ROFLMAO at the BANerjee bit and at the ‘plants’

    But my fav is “send me to Delhi or I’ll stay in Mumbai” :D

  22. Smitha says:

    Oh that was wonderful! I loved this the most – ‘ So please vote for me and send me to Delhi. Or else, I’ll remain in Mumbai.’ That am sure will spur Mumbaikars to vote for him :)

  23. maxdavinci says:

    came here via the comment on my blog. fantastic stuff this is, subscribing!

    Mamata didi should get the support of the autowallahs, she could organize a Himesh Reshammiya concert as well. They are his biggest fanbase afterall…

  24. Rockus says:

    Excellent stuff. Come on! Don’t stop now. Elections are far away and more interesting situations will conjure up!

  25. Ramsay says:

    Excellent. You cannot stop till the elections are over. And then you can regale us some more. I just can’t stop reading you, especially the disclaimers.

  26. rambodoc says:

    I was laffing all the way to the bank, but that institution, saying ‘Satyam Ever Jayate’ showed me a Quit Indian Bank sign, like Munna’s Bapu.
    You are now being discussed in Rajasthani political circles. The word is out that “Shri Vats bahut Rummy-sha baat karte hain hum-maare bare mein. Unke liye va sundara raje-rvation kar dete hain. Kota main.”
    Great post, as usual.

  27. MADHAV says:

    Man! You are too good!! Too much!! Oodles of sarcasm in it, very funny and very nice the way you play with words!
    I am going to be a regular here.
    Madhav

  28. aneri_masi says:

    You gotta add Narendra Modi too…pleeeease, since folks now want Modi-fication! Pretty please!
    These were brilliant!

  29. Trailblazer says:

    Excellent stuff.

  30. Anie says:

    was it woh manoos?? :P loved the series… :D

  31. Leo says:

    Man, you could be Seinfield or Russel of India…why dont you try that ? :P

  32. What's In A Name ? says:

    Yes, once Miss and Mr Dutt is in the same fray…it’s well advised to stop.

  33. Bones says:

    Amazing, absolutely amazing…

  34. Vishwas Krishna says:

    Banning Mysore Pak! Ha ha ha ha ha. Very funny.

  35. Kiran says:

    I dont know how you manage to outdo yourself in each and every post. But am I glad that you do! I’m still laughing by the way :D

  36. MP says:

    “So please vote for me and send me to Delhi. Or else, I’ll remain in Mumbai.”

    Brilliant writing. Captures the hopelessness of the average Mumbaikar so well!

  37. Gireesh Subramaniam says:

    ” So please vote for me and send me to Delhi. Or else, I’ll remain in Mumbai.”
    LOL ,now thats some way,to ask for a vote.!!!

  38. Rajtilak Bhattacharjee says:

    Barkha had to be there :)

    And what’s with this Mamata Didi stuff Ramesh, don’t you say anything about her. Cause if she gets to hear it, she would again make out life a living hell by calling another strike.

    Hilarious to say the least, sarcastic to say the most (as if people won’t understand if I won’t say it, huh!).

  39. Shyam says:

    amazing….esp the "manoos & womanoos" part….!!

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