Rationalizing Government – A Leaner, Meaner Council of Ministers

Warning : This is a long post. But then it is an ambitious task.

Manmohan Singh must be having a tough time priming so many ministers. Take a look at this. As of now there are 49 ministries & 2 departments being handled by him & 38 other ministers. Plus 40 Ministers of State (without independent charge). It’s time to trim. Here is a way to ensure that our cabinet bears less resemblance to a walk-in wardrobe…

1. The Ministry for Women & Child Development will be brought under the Home Ministry, which will then be renamed the Home & Hearth Ministry. After all, Indian Culture says that a woman’s place is in her home. The ‘food’ portfolio will also be brought under the Home & Hearth ministry, because within home, a woman’s place is specifically in the kitchen. Pramod Muthalik will run this ministry. And given his concerns about youth, the Ministry of Youth Affairs will also come in here. So will the Ministry of Environment & Forests. After all, Muthalik is well versed in jungle law.

2. The Ministry of Health will be merged with the Ministry of Culture as both are about bans & compulsions. Ramadoss remains the ideal man to run this. Consumer Affairs might as well come in here because he anyway keeps poking his nose into it. And Public Grievances will be a good addition as Ramadoss gives a lot of grief to the public. And finally, the Ministry of Statistics because he is, well, mean.

3. Our tribal belt is more or less controlled by naxalites (with whom we even have ceasefires once in a while). The Ministry of External Affairs will therefore take over the Ministry of Tribal Affairs. And for the same reason, the Ministry for Development of the North Eastern Region too. Mamata Bannerjee will take over this portfolio. She may not know much about tribes but is wonderful at diatribe.

4. Our national defence appears to largely constitute of words, threats, accusations & codemnations. The I&B Ministry will therefore be brought under the aegis of the Defence Ministry. Kalyan Singh can head this because he currently seems to be sitting on de-fence. He will also be given the Ministry of Petroleum to fuel rumours. And the Ministry of Textiles to effect cover-ups. Kalyan will get the added responsibility of Sports because he seems to show some potential in the triple-jump.

5. The Ministry of HRD and the Ministry for Social Justice & Empowerment are euphemisms for imposing reservation. They will hence be subsumed into the Ministry for Railways. Lalu can continue to head this as he is …er…well-trained.

6. The Ministry of Power will become a giant ministry. Parliamentary Affairs will be added to it, as political power is the only kind of power that is available in this country. And once Parliamentary Affairs is added, Natural Gas obviously comes in. Our government is usually formed by parties with no majority. Hence Minority Affairs is added here. And the constant rifts & alliances make this the logical place for the fission & fusion of the Dept. of Atomic Energy. This mega-ministry can, however, lead to megalomania. So Sharad Pawar will run it. He has a reassuring name that sounds like ‘shared power’.

7. In line with the various subsidies, sops & waivers, the Ministry of Finance will now also include Public Distribution (or redistribution, to be precise). The Ministry of Steel will be renamed the Ministry of Steal, and added to this portfolio. The Ministry of Mines will also be brought in here. In any case, whatever we earn, the FM thinks, “It’s mine.” Ramalinga Raju will be put in charge of this ministry because he is an expert in…er…‘creating’ wealth.

8. The Ministry of Agriculture shall merge with the Ministry for Water Resources and the Ministry for Chemicals & Fertilizers. After all our farmers need water for their crops to drink and chemicals for er… themselves. Indra Nooyi can be invited to run this. Her stint in Pepsi has given her great understanding of sugar, water & pesticides.

9. The Ministry of Tourism and the Ministry of Housing & Urban Poverty Alleviation will be merged. After all, a lot of the urban poor are currently staying in our monuments. Noting the fact that more people visit Infosys than Taj Mahal, Narayanmoorthy will assume charge of this ministry. And because of that, we shall also bung in the Ministry of Science & Technology as well as the Ministry of Communication & IT. May he bring ROM Rajya to our country.

10. The Ministry of Shipping, Road Transport & Highways and the Ministry for Civil Aviation will be brought under The Ministry for Overseas Indian Affairs. This is because, if an Indian wants to see roads, highways or some civility in aviation, he has to go overseas anyway. Sonia Gandhi will run this augmented Ministry of Overseas Indian Affairs because she even married an overseas Indian.

11. The Ministry for Urban Development with be merged with Ministry for Food Processing Industries because all our cities are one big jam. Deve Gowda can head this one and continue to put us all in a pickle. The Ministry of Space will be added here because he has a lot of it (between his ears). Deve Gowda will also get the Ministry for Rural Development because he has painstakingly converted many cities into rural areas.

12. The Ministry for Commerce & Industry will be made part of the Ministry for Micro, Small & Medium Enterprises. This is because our government diligently ensures that all our industries stay small & medium. Prakash Karat will run this ministry because he has the right attitude – he views every growth as a cancer. The Ministry of Labour & Employment will be added here to help him push his agenda. And the Ministry of Pensions because a lot of people wish that Karat took his and retired.

13. The Ministry for Heavy Industries & Public Enterprises will now also include the Ministry of Planning. This would enable them to do some heavy planning with little industry. The Ministry of Personnel will be added here because our public enterprises have a lot of public but no enterprise. Vijay Mallya will run this as he his very heavy and very public.

14. We often wonder why on earth we are still harping on Panchayat Raj. So it is logical to merge the Ministry for Panchayat Raj with the Ministry of Earth Sciences. Raj Thackeray can run this because he could also be called Punch-ayat Raj. And he is good at slinging mud. A true son of the soil.

15. There are a few things that we completely lack today but we fondly wish we had sometime in the future. Like wind power, solar power & justice. These will be clubbed into one Ministry. Comprising what was previously the Ministry for New & Renewable Energy and the Ministry for Law & Justice. Bejan Daruwala will run this futuristic ministry.

Phew. Finally we are down to just 15 ministries. This honest, simplified structure would make our government leaner and enable them to become meaner.

Oops, I forgot about the Ministry of Coal. Let’s close it down and transfer its responsibilities to the Election Commissioner Navin Chawla. After all, he’s constantly answering nature’s coal.

Disclaimer : Obviously this is fictional. Look at the title. How can anything that has rational & government in the same sentence be true? After all, if we demand rationality from politicians, they’ll ask us to try the ration shop.

Put Share Da

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27 comments

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Ramesh Srivats. Ramesh Srivats said: Now that a cabinet reshuffle is on the cards, may I plug a long, involved, old blog post of mine – http://j.mp/8Z77de […]

  2. BK Chowla says:

    Very interesting.However ,you forgot to fix responsibilty for Rahul Gandhi, Varun Gandhi and someone to rename few left-out zebra crossings and gutters.

  3. K.Ramachandran says:

    Magnificent word play. Very humourous. And covered so many beloved Netas .
    @Amit- very punny indeed :-)

  4. george says:

    That allocation of minsitries would make even the best of PM’s proud! Only beg to differ with you on your last point- since”answering nature’s coal’ is a very mallu perspective, would like to suggest that portfolio should go to the erstwhile CM of Kerala Sri V.S Achutanandan(how i resist to write that in Hindi!!!!)… so he can “coal” on houses/people that/who even dogs won’t visit!!!

  5. Anonymous says:

    Hi RS

    Hope you are fine. Why no new posts for a long time. Now the election is also announced, I want to see more or your posts. Hope you are not entangled otherwise.

  6. Revathi says:

    And Rahul Gandhi to be minister for justice since his sooooo Fair

  7. Deepak Iyer says:

    Nice post. If I were you I would have published a paper titled “Space optimization of the Cabinet using greedy people and dynamic ministries to divide and conquer the electorate”

    Any new posts expected ?

  8. sheks says:

    Actually the Ministry of Road Transport and Highways should come under Statistics.(MoShipping can be made separate and included under MoCommunications & IT since both of them deal in ports).One of its primary responsibilities is to design MEDIANS according to road width to accommodate various MODES of transport over a wide RANGE of distances.Additionally they also decide on DEVIATIONS to villages alongside highways.And of course,its minister's got to be MEAN,in all PROBABILITY.

  9. punchnama says:

    Very funny. Just discovered your blog. I loved the wordplay on tribe and diatribe. Brilliant.
    I have just started writing. I will keep checking on this page.

  10. olive oyl says:

    hilarious! How about getting back Shivraj Patil in charge of the ministry of textile? he’s good at dress rehearsals.

  11. Sakshi says:

    Lovely just lovely.. a very integrated government…!!! If nothing else then, a united government may just come out this simplified structure…!!!

  12. Hushang says:

    Hahahaha…hilarious…lol…

  13. Subbu says:

    :)…Why dont you look at giving all the MP’s a ministry? Everyone will be happy and they cannot threaten topple the government as they are the government.

  14. Priyom Sarkar says:

    “And finally, the Ministry of Statistics because he is, well, mean.” – Couldn’t stop laughing

  15. Rahul Jauhari says:

    nice. your start-up experience seems to be showing here :-)

    http://www.rahuljauhari.net/

  16. Shyam says:

    Nice post….but what with your serious posts ? like the ones on our govt & Kumble ? are they done for good ?

  17. Hare rama says:

    Super post, I would personally like to read a post on barkha dutt, blasting her left/right and centre. please :)
    I’m sure your loyal readers would get loyal-er if you could do that :P

  18. you12 says:

    We have these many ministries??

  19. Kiran says:

    Hilarious! Deve Gowda and Raj Thackeray in particular. And as always, the best is reserved for the last in form of the disclaimer. Keep ‘em coming!

  20. sudhanshoo says:

    Excellent stuff. Well “er”searched !!

  21. sub.maya.hai says:

    Selfishly I ask – What about the ministry for PIO’s, NRI’s, NRO’s and NRE’s?

  22. Amit says:

    Cringe! Double Cringe!!

    Puns are against Indian Culture, so I propose we corner and beat up anybody and everybody indulging in having pun, err… I mean cracking puns in the name of our glorious culture.

    And Ramesh Srivats is the first person who’s gonna get hurrt rrreeal baaaad!

  23. Gopinath's "Artickles" says:

    Hilarious indeed. Keep them coming thick and fast like your Short Puts.

  24. Fly, You Fools Comics says:

    You forgot to include the must have “Ministry for Renaming Cities for make benefit of out glorious culture”. I for one am totally sick of living in New Delhi. It’s not NEW and it’s Dilli.

  25. gaea says:

    hahaha that was totally hilarious!

  26. Ramesh Srivats says:

    Valid point Ram. But if we include every joker around, government would become more populated than the governed :-)

    However some of the above can become Ministers of State. Barkha (post-Kargil) is perfect for Defence, And Acharya smoothly slides into Home.

  27. Anonymous says:

    Great as usual. But why did u forget Barka Dutt, Sagarika Ghose, Rajdeep Sirdesai, Yeduyurappa, Acharya and most importantly Antulay.

    Ram

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