The Bharatiya Oscar Awards – Bhaskars

I wonder why we folks are so happy about Slumdog Millionaire winning so many awards. Of course, I love the fact that Rahman finally got some recognition. And Resul Pookutty got a foreign trip. But why are we so ecstatic about the other awards? Isn’t it a bit like Germany celebrating the fact that Schindler’s List swept the Oscars.

Instead, in true swadeshi style, let’s institute our own Bharatiya Oscars – The Bhaskars. After all, in India, drama, action & comedy aren’t confined to the movies. They are played out in glorious 3-D in all aspects of our life. So here is my list for the 2008 Bhaskars…

Best Story – A Deputy CM demonstrates his adherence to the law by falling in love with a former assistant advocate general. Unfortunately he already has a wife. The Hindu lovers become a Muslim couple – Chand Mohammed & Fiza. Once he has got into her Nikaahs, he decides to go back to his first wife. Fiza attempts suicide, accuses him of rape, and his family of occult practices but Chand is unmoved. He divorces her through SMS and she gets a role in a Bollywood movie. For this fascinating saga involving politics, law, love, religion, crime, horror, glamour & technology, the Bhaskar Award for Best Story goes to Chander Mohan a.k.a. Chand Mohammed for “Fiza Ke Liye”.

Best Screenplay – A bunch of plutocrats indulge in a decadent auction. The auction ends. The action begins. Chargers run out of power. Fancied teams are Royally Challenged. Vijay Mallya sulks. Preity Zinta hugs some Kings. Shahrukh hugs Shoaib. Vijay Mallya sulks. Cheerleaders entertain the crowds. Shiv Sena sulks. Mumbai crowds get folk dancers instead. Harbhajan behaves like a Silly Bhajji. Sreesanth sobs. Preity Zinta hugs him. Vijay Mallya sulks. Akshay Kumar lands in a chopper. Set Max shows a billion ads. Shane Warne leads the most unfancied team to the trophy. Everybody is happy. Except Mallya, that is. For a heady cocktail of money, glamour & action and for ensuring that everybody shamelessly played for the screen, the Bhaskar Award for Screenplay goes to Lalit Modi for “Paisa Bhi Hota Hai”.

Best Music/Song – It was composed by the Songh Parivar and performed by the Ram Sena. Strongly influenced by the Culture Club, it is a lilting malady. The artists used thumping beats and indulged in serious head-banging. It played in many pubs and hit the top of the charts on Valentines day. The Bhaskar for Best Music goes to Pramod Muthalik for his message to youth – “Hurry Home Hurry”.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role – He didn’t want the responsibility of being the star, but played a significant role in the development of the plot. He played the perfect counterfoil to the government. i.e. He countered every move and foiled every plan. For a scintillating performance in which he acted as if he supported the government, the Bhaskar Award for Best Supporting Actor goes to Prakash Karat for “Chowringee Lane to China.

Best Editing – A good script can completely collapse if it is not cut to perfection. A shining example was the Olympic Telecast. An unconventional editing technique was used whereby all interesting action was cut. The audience had to imagine the action by seeing the prize distribution. DD, like any good editor, took us, the audience, on an emotional rollercoaster ride. We wept when rowing was shown instead of gymnastics. We cursed when athletics was cut in favour of Greco-Roman wrestling. We laughed at the “expert analysis”. And we were inspired everytime we saw Vijender punch the air to the tune of Chak De India. Live telecast was transformed by radical editing into a dead telecast. The Bhaskar for Best Editing goes to Doordarshan for “Dekh Sake Tho Dekh Lo”.

Best Costumes – His authority may have been loose but his collar was buttoned. His policies rankled but his sleeve was creased. His words were meaningless and few. For he was a man of Achkan. He faced diplomats with polish (on his shoes) and terrorists with boldness (in his checks). For bathing us in his sartorial splendour, the Bhaskar Award for Best Costumes goes to Shivraj Patil for “Dhoti, Kapda aur Makaan”.

Best Action – He asked for Maa Ki Dal, but got into trouble. He prayed for Man-ki Shakti. And-drew Symonds’ rage. Everybody told him to shut up. So, like Hellen Keller, he decided to let his hands do the talking. His opportunity came when a team-mate showed some cheek on the field. He responded to the cheek with some slapstick comedy. Unfortunately nobody found it funny and he had to face a suspension with disbelief. For a resounding performance that brought tears to the eyes of Sreesanth, the Bhaskar Award for Action goes to Harbhajan Singh for “Thappad Phad Ke”.

Best Actor in a Leading Role – He was over 70 years old, but willing to take up a leading role. Surrounded by friends who were actually enemies and enemies who were actually, well, enemies, he sailed his way with indifferent elan. There were bombs, controversies, recesisions, betrayals, and general pandemonium but he responded to everything with studied, emotionless, underplay. A thoroughly professional actor, he listened to every single thing, his directorji told him. For a convincing performance of acting as if he was leading the country, The Bhaskar Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role, goes to Manmohan for the highly ornamental role he played in “Singh is Bling”.

Best Director – This year, the award goes to not a mere director but a managing director. It’s a story of one man against society. Of a man who defied conventions. A man who fought for his principles. Accounting principles, that is. Who believed that books are not salads to be left uncooked. Who fought against the norm that employees should have a corporeal presence. Who refused to hear his conscience because he had some Auditory problems. It’s a saga of human dreams that would have enraptured even Sigmund Fraud. The best director of the year goes to Ramalinga Raju for “Scamasutra”.

Best Picture – A magnum opus for which 552 villains were assembled (unfortunately, there was no money left-over for heroes). By any stretch of imagination it is the longest movie ever made – 5 years approximately. It’s a movie with no story but lots of plots – devious plots. It’s a fluid script with many actors staging walk-outs. There is no action but lot of motion(s). And commotion. With over 500 people shouting concurrently, the audio levels were so high that even the Speaker packed up. The movie had a message. That while the country is forced into socialism, the parliament operates as a free-market. For 5 entertaining years of bedlam, the Bhaskar Awards for the Best Picture goes to the 14th Lok Sabha for “Chor Machaye Shor.”

Lifetime Acievement – The one actor who never seems to leave the stage is Deve Gowda. He has had a rich career in which he has acted in numerous mega-hits. He played the indifferent CM with a profit motive in “No Aankhen Bara Haath”. He captured the spirit of a villager who fluked his way to Delhi in “Ragi Ban Gaya Gentleman”. He portrayed the social worker who opposed infra-structure in “Viroadi”. And a million other such roles. He has a wealth of experience and now an experience of wealth. For amassing an incredible amount of er… wisdom in one lifetime, the Bhaskar Award for Lifetime Achievement goes to Deve Gowda.

That wraps up the 2008 Bhaskars folks. Do send in nominations for 2009.

Disclaimer : All characters and events mentioned above are purely a figment of the petrified author’s imagination.
A marked resemblance (pointed out by PM) in the name of the awards to Christy Bharath’s initiative to spoof the Oscar winners is completely unintended and remarkably coincidental.

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63 comments

  1. Abdeali says:

    I am reading this in 2012 ..& its funny as hell…if u hv written BHASKARS for other years too ..plz let me know …ur blogs are way too gud then tweets Mr.Srivats!!! ..Thanks for all Laughs !!

  2. Yaddiyurappa goes to GIM to build up more muscles to handle Janardana Reddy! Any story?
    May be the stunt artist award for him.

  3. Prateek says:

    This is simplyy hillllaaaaariousss!! :D Wayy to go

  4. Rofl Indian says:

    Simbply Un’putda’wnable! :-D

    All the best for the Indiblogger Award. You are among my top 5 choices.

  5. Rahul Jauhari says:

    FYI – my blog is now at rahuljauhari.com.
    Cheers

  6. sudhir kekre says:

    Hi,
    Loved your blog. Just one complaint. Please do write more regularly. :)
    your posts are very funny.

  7. papabears says:

    Seriously Christy, this seems to be a remarkable coincidence – the similarity to our initiative. Thank you PM for pointing this out.

  8. george says:

    On the subject of Slumdog…it’s not the best Indian film and it certainly is not Danny Boyle’s best film! Got to wonder about this Oscar business! As for us Indians…we will celebrate anything…shaadis, chaddis, 20/20…test match draws…test match 50s…..shooting gold medals…..new flyovers…lkame fashion week…just about anything!…so our celebrating doesn’t mean anything at all…lets celebrate!

  9. christy bharath says:

    remarkable indeed, the coincidence. funny stuff, mate.

  10. Pallavi Kempaiah says:

    Hilarious Ramesh. Amazing how we Indians find humour even in our apathetic state.

  11. Blogger says:

    Wow…Enjoyed the “Bhaskars” Couldnt control my laughter.

    Am now waiting eagerly for the 2009 edition :)

    Cheers

  12. putti says:

    You are simply brilliant!!! You could open a fan club. I am sure there ll be millions of fans!!..

  13. litterateuse says:

    What a wonderful take on the drama of Indian politics!

    //His authority may have been loose but his collar was buttoned.//

    That’s a gem :) As is “Best Screenplay” ;)

    gauri

  14. Ramesh Srivats says:

    Thanks all

    @PM,
    Thanks for bringing it to my attention. Will ascribe credit for the name to that blog in my post.

  15. ramesh says:

    awesome man

  16. Vikram M A says:

    very innovative… there should be one bhaskar to anil kapoor for basking (bhasking) in other people’s glory at the oscars :-) :-)

  17. revathi says:

    Best stuntman award goes to Varun Gandhi for his bluff to cut of the arms of all circumcised individuals with a laser sword.

  18. shivaprasad krishnan says:

    This one is right on top.

    auditory problems..scamsutra and Ragi ban gaya gentleman were just too hilarious

  19. Ramsri says:

    Brilliant!
    Have you considered making this an annual gig, similar to what Sandeep has going on here (http://www.sandeepweb.com/2008/12/05/most-loathsome-people-in-india-2008/)?? I would suggest you think about it – am sure many people (yours truly included) would love to send in nominations!

  20. K.Ramachandran says:

    Magnificent, brilliant, witty . ROTFL . BTW, my first ( and only ) blog is on Oscars .

  21. Rahul Jauhari says:

    Ramesh, you must be making serious money from adsense by now, lol.

    rahuljauhari.net

  22. Nitram says:

    Hilarious and thought provoking, do not necessarily go hand in hand. ‘Yes, we can’ says this post!
    Perhaps you should think of following this up with Part 2, covering the awards you neglected. A few suggestions-
    Best Cinematography: The Indian Media, who altruistically gave us a ringside view to the Mangalore pub incident.
    Best Special Effects: Varun Gandhi, who claims to be a victim of some ground breaking SFX.

  23. Anu Biswas says:

    an epitome of the not-so-very-hungry-at-all and the very foolish! great stuff. Can we expect a blook – blog+book?

  24. Fly, You Fools Comics says:

    That’s some seriously funny stuff right there!

    A great beginning for the Bhaskars.. but in the future I think it might be difficult to chose a single winner. I see emergence of collective winners, where the prize gets distributed among a coalition of the willing, and multiple fronts.

  25. Caje says:

    simply superb, you bloody bhaskar!

  26. EMC3 says:

    @Rockus:
    The Best Actress Bhaskar should go to Mayawati and the Bhaskar for Supporting Cast should be give to Mayawati’s Statues for the Movie “Missmaya”.

  27. donraja says:

    You are back and how!! Really really loved this. I think you could go on and on. Maybe add a few technical awards, whatever, dont stop. HIlarious.

  28. Kiran says:

    “And-Drew Symonds’ Rage”.. now what can one possibly say to that??

    I should seriously stop commenting on your posts since each and every post is better than the previous and the English language does not have nearly enough superlatives that do justice to your blog!

  29. Jas says:

    Awesome post. The best I have read, ever.

  30. B K CHOWLA says:

    The best nomination is that of best costume.Some where you seem to have forgotten the super PM.

  31. Ramsay says:

    Hearly congrats on yet another timely (in context of exposing these charlatans)yet timeless (as it has universal applicability)post.

  32. Hariharan says:

    My nominee for Best Actress in Lead role :

    From being a leading Miss in UP to mis(s) leading the leaders of the Third Front, she has displayed anything but leaden acting skills. While others have to be content with a Walk of Fame, our leading lady has had statues of herself installed thus leaving an indelible foot mark in the annals of Indian political history. Give it up for the one and only….

  33. Sauvik says:

    absolutely superb once again. congrats. keep them coming.

  34. Ramesh Srivats says:

    Thanks all.

    @kunal
    Really, I mean it. Check the link on the disclaimer

    @The Mudd LOL

    @Rockus @Vadakkoodan @Kislay @Vedang
    Yup there are more categories and more deserving winners. For instance, Best Costume was nearly won by another guy who popularized pink undergarments. Do send in nominations for this year as and when they happen.

    @Kooga :-)

    @SHASHWAT
    Thanks for the link to Pioneer whose editor – Chandan Mitra – is a BJP supported member of the Rajya Sabha. But do note, that I didn’t refer to Sangh Parivar. I was talking about Songh Parivar. This is a group which roams around in pink chaddis and has belted out ‘hit’ after ‘hit’. And thanks for calling me ‘punk’ btw. You don’t know what it means to a bald guy like me.

  35. Deepak says:

    Awesome, great, fabulous, Hilarious and what not…
    I am at loss of words.

  36. anbuchezhian says:

    Awesomne. Read, Re-read it many a time

  37. Subbu says:

    552 Villains…while the country is forced into socialism, the parliament operates as a free market. Brilliant stuff.

    I am sure you will have more ‘meat’ after May 2009 when a new set of villians enter the amphitheatre.Looking forward(or is it backward) to it.

  38. Karthik Sivaramakrishnan says:

    Awesome post!

  39. Anonymous says:

    This is THE BEST political humour I’ve come across. Kudos to you!!
    Singh is Bling was exceptional !!

  40. ŠĦÅŠĦWÃT says:

    Hey punk, I don’t care what humor you derive at the expense of catastrophes but you better know that Sangh Parivar and Muthalik’s morcha are not linked at all:

    http://www.dailypioneer.com/155516/Ban-Sri-Ram-Sena-RSS.html

  41. Indyeah says:

    ROFL!!

  42. ashwin says:

    Enjoyed the Bhaskars!! Absolutely great!!

  43. Saurabh Somani says:

    hilarious post… one of your funniest yet!

    things do seem to get weirder by the day. here is my take at

    http://blinkandumissit.blogspot.com/2009/03/its-mad-mad-world.html

  44. Sri says:

    Best Director… ScamaSutra… Hilarious.. and Bhaskar is a very innovative term!!

  45. Kooga says:

    Nice blog man . Not sure if you meant it as a joke but there is a typo in Sigmund Freud’s name

  46. Smitha says:

    Oh that was hilarious!!!!! Can’t stop laughing !

  47. Devina says:

    Hilarious, bold and and a melting pot of sarcasm….maza aa gaya!!! :)))

  48. Aldemen Tripe Loon says:

    “Isn’t it a bit like Germany celebrating the fact that Schindler’s List swept the Oscars”

    Yes, people are unecessarily making a big fuss but no its not like Schindler’s list and Germany…Hehe, really!

  49. chokkathangam says:

    hehe.. total punnage.. should we issue an award for best non-state actors too? and hand it over to soniajee ofc..

  50. Kislay says:

    :) No nominations for Laloo Yadava :(

  51. Vedang says:

    sir,
    i do believe you have outdone yourself with this post!
    bravo!

    P.S See is you can fit the gandhi brothers somewhere

  52. Vinod_Sharma says:

    You are simply brilliant….try for the Oscar, these Bhaskar types will not recognise your worth!

  53. വടക്കൂടന്‍ | Vadakkoodan says:

    Good one :)

    Here is my nomination for best actress award: madamji – for acting like she is not the prime minister of the nation.

  54. Bones says:

    LOL!!!

  55. Rockus says:

    Awesome boss! Where is the best actress award? And the awards for the supporting cast?

  56. The Mudd says:

    Nice one. All bloody Bhaskards !

  57. Shyam says:

    absolutely brilliant..esp the bit on ScamalingaRaju

  58. Gireesh Subramaniam (girsubra) says:

    I am sure,the Sing is Bling hero,will say that he doesnt deserve the award and he had watched MadameJi’s performance in her supposed Supporting role in “PM,CMs Janpath Road Par” and that she deserves it more than him.

    Of Course ,Madame Ji doesnt attend Indian Award functions.She well only attends..err Italian ones and refused this award.

  59. mythalez says:

    rofl … ‘seriously funnily awesome’!

  60. kunal says:

    the only thing in the whole post that sounded untrue was the Disclaimer.

    great writing!

  61. The Comic Project says:

    Best Costume and Best Actor in a supporting role…. hilarious :-) And love the name for the Bhartiya Oscars. BHASKARS!!!

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