There’s a politically charged atmosphere in the room. All the leading reporters of India are babbling excitedly. Two of India’s most reputed administrators have called for a press conference. Rumours abound that a new political party is to be launched.
With Congress continuing to have congress with the public, BJP neither helping the Bharatiya Janata nor allowing anybody to Party, and thinking having left all leftist thinkers, the time seems ripe for a new formation.
In walks Narendra Modi in a spotless kurta-pajama and Lalit Modi in a spotted tie and his (only?) grey suit. There’s an eager silence as Lalit Modi unfolds a (thankfully) small piece of paper and reads from it…
I, Lalit Modi & he, Narendra Modi, have realized that we are India’s most capable administrators. We have, therefore, decided to launch a new political party – Modisattva. The party will work for peace, prosperity & high TRPs. I hereby declare the Modisattva party open. Any questions folks?
Reporter : Hi, I’m from the Pioneer, so I’ll ask the first question, heh heh. So, Mr. Modi, why have you decided to leave the BJP? And you Mr. Lalit Modi. Why are you leaving the IPL?
Narendra Modi : Well, for a party that calls itself right-wing, the BJP is getting too many things wrong. Our terrorism plank backfired. We tried Ram and got rammed. In fact, the elections results were such a joke that the party is now in splits. I believe it’s time to move on.
Lalit Modi : As for me, I’ve not really left the IPL. After all Mr. Narendra Modi here is Indian and he wants to be a Premier who’s in a League of his own. So it’s all the same thing. Basically, I’m a Commissioner. Where there is commission, there there is Modi.
R : Narendrabhai, isn’t Lalit Modi a strange choice of partner?
NM : Of course not. Gandhi said, “First the ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you’ve won.” Currently most people ridicule Lalit and fight me. So we’ve nearly won.
A reporter behind a veil (used to be a reporter behind a wail) : I’m Burqaah Dutt from SOB TV. How do you feel after riots resulted in so many deaths while you were CM? Will people ever feel safe under you?
NM (dismissively) : Please. The riots were just an isolated event.
LM : And my events were an absolute riot. Hehe.
NM : All these accusations are just media fabrications. When I run this country, I’ll ensure that people aren’t given wrong information about such happenings. As the people’s representative, I’ll ensure that there are no misprepresentations. All riots in the future will be scheduled so that they get maximum TV coverage. Everybody will get to see the truth unfold. We call it Prime Time Pogromming.
LM : Unscheduled riots will be rare. We shall have bunches of people armed with sticks in every city and village. They will break out into a menacing dance whenever there is a sign of any trouble. You could call them fearleaders. Now, that should help keep the peace.
Lalit Modi smugly steps out to smoke a quick strategy break.
R : Er… what about external threats?
NM : Tell me, once we devote enough attention to terrorizing our own people, why would terrorists even bother coming here? Like James Bond, they will decide to live and LeT die.
Burqaah Dutt leaves the room in tears and another reporter takes over.
R : This is Eugene from DNA. You said there would be prosperity along with peace. What steps do you propose to take towards this?
NM : We will have a two pronged strategy – Sops for the rich and credit for the poor. All industries will be given tax breaks, and subsidized land. Some people may call such a strategy an ana-crony-ism but I say – you can’t lather up the economy without some sop.
R : What about the poor people then? Won’t you be taking away their land?
NM : What do they need land for? I’ll give them money. Easy credit will be made available through a new financial institution called the Votebank of India. They can freely borrow and spend. And before every election, I’ll waive off the loans. In this way, I will be unwavering in my principles and waivering in my actions.
Lalit Modi returns, takes his place and surveys the gathering with a grin.
LM : We’ll thus have Citi moments of success as well as Village moments of success.
R : This is Mani from Economic Times. If you give sops to the industrialists and free credit to the poor, won’t the nation go broke? Owning a Mint doesn’t necessarily make money, as our rivals in HT found out. Where will the money for all this come from?
LM : Let me answer this one. Advertising is the key. We will raise money through sponsorships. Everything will be sponsored and branded. States, cities, mountains, rivers whatever. In any case, we keep making meaningless changes to the names of our cities. I say, let’s make it meaningful. So we’ll have Viagrajasthan, Zandu Balmbay, Raybangalore, Playwindhyas & Digjamuna. The map of India will look like Times Square. This is what I call ad-ministration. In rural areas, even people will be branded. Kissan, for instance, has evinced interest in branding every single farmer. After all, our constitution does talk about universal adult franchise.
R : This is Tara, from Society. What about social freedom. Do you plan to continue BJPs rather draconian policies on morality, censorship, etc.?
NM : Listen, you are all children of the state. And like any parent, the state wants to keep you innocent, obedient and compliant. I’m a pop who won’t let you paap. Liberty, Equality & Fraternity are all things of the past. We believe in Sobriety, Conformity & Paternity. Remember we are a Republic, not a Reprivate. So public opinion will rule over private preferences. And I represent the public. So my private thoughts become public policy, and my public pronouncements control private behaviour and… errr (confusedly), Lalit, do you want to add to this one…
LM : But not to worry, do what you like. All digressions will be punished only by fines. We call it the Cash for Sins scheme. Live it up, but pay up. This is our fine formula which we are currently er… refining.
R : I’m Chittaranjan Dash from Telegraph, so I’ll keep my question short. What about foreign policy?
NM : Look, as a country we were left-aligned, tried to get right-aligned, and pretended to be centre-aligned or in fact, non-aligned. Nothing has worked, so we will try out the only alignment remaining – justified. We’ll do what we want and justify it later. Truly out-of-the-box thinking. In a box setting.
R : This is E.V.R. Reddy from DC. As I’ve chronicled so far, you have promised sops for the rich, dole for the poor, private sponsorship of public property, and public control of private life. And all this with justification. Interesting. So how do you plan to promote this party?
NM : I will traverse the length and breadth of this country. I’ll reach the heights of oratory & plunge the depths of morality. Everywhere I’ll kindle public anger by ranting about the ills of the current government. In a sense, it’ll be series of rave parties. Which will be done in a Wrath Yatra.
LM : This Wrath Yatra, will be capsuled and telecast as a reality show – The MTV Modis. We will also extensively use the internet. With the number of bans we plan to impose, taking banners is quite easy for us. And like Ayodhya, we’ll also do a few site-captures. The funds for these will come from our corporate cronies, who will help us with our hoardings.
NM : That’s all for the time being folks. As you see, we have a dream. Of a country with fast-paced growth. Supported by sponsorship. Let me assure you, no stone will be left unthrown, in our quest for peace, prosperity & high-TRPs.
LM : Yes. You could say, our vision for India is 20-20.
Disclaimer – This post is entirely fictitious. It contains not a modi-cum of truth. But who knows. The two fictional gentlemen do share a common love for autocracy, intolerance & big business.