Modi & Modi United

There’s a politically charged atmosphere in the room. All the leading reporters of India are babbling excitedly. Two of India’s most reputed administrators have called for a press conference. Rumours abound that a new political party is to be launched.

With Congress continuing to have congress with the public, BJP neither helping the Bharatiya Janata nor allowing anybody to Party, and thinking having left all leftist thinkers, the time seems ripe for a new formation.

In walks Narendra Modi in a spotless kurta-pajama and Lalit Modi in a spotted tie and his (only?) grey suit. There’s an eager silence as Lalit Modi unfolds a (thankfully) small piece of paper and reads from it…

I, Lalit Modi & he, Narendra Modi, have realized that we are India’s most capable administrators. We have, therefore, decided to launch a new political party – Modisattva. The party will work for peace, prosperity & high TRPs. I hereby declare the Modisattva party open. Any questions folks?

Reporter : Hi, I’m from the Pioneer, so I’ll ask the first question, heh heh. So, Mr. Modi, why have you decided to leave the BJP? And you Mr. Lalit Modi. Why are you leaving the IPL?

Narendra Modi : Well, for a party that calls itself right-wing, the BJP is getting too many things wrong. Our terrorism plank backfired. We tried Ram and got rammed. In fact, the elections results were such a joke that the party is now in splits. I believe it’s time to move on.

Lalit Modi : As for me, I’ve not really left the IPL. After all Mr. Narendra Modi here is Indian and he wants to be a Premier who’s in a League of his own. So it’s all the same thing. Basically, I’m a Commissioner. Where there is commission, there there is Modi.

R : Narendrabhai, isn’t Lalit Modi a strange choice of partner?

NM : Of course not. Gandhi said, “First the ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you’ve won.” Currently most people ridicule Lalit and fight me. So we’ve nearly won.

A reporter behind a veil (used to be a reporter behind a wail) : I’m Burqaah Dutt from SOB TV. How do you feel after riots resulted in so many deaths while you were CM? Will people ever feel safe under you?

NM (dismissively) : Please. The riots were just an isolated event.

LM : And my events were an absolute riot. Hehe.

NM : All these accusations are just media fabrications. When I run this country, I’ll ensure that people aren’t given wrong information about such happenings. As the people’s representative, I’ll ensure that there are no misprepresentations. All riots in the future will be scheduled so that they get maximum TV coverage. Everybody will get to see the truth unfold. We call it Prime Time Pogromming.

LM : Unscheduled riots will be rare. We shall have bunches of people armed with sticks in every city and village. They will break out into a menacing dance whenever there is a sign of any trouble. You could call them fearleaders. Now, that should help keep the peace.

Lalit Modi smugly steps out to smoke a quick strategy break.

R : Er… what about external threats?

NM : Tell me, once we devote enough attention to terrorizing our own people, why would terrorists even bother coming here? Like James Bond, they will decide to live and LeT die.

Burqaah Dutt leaves the room in tears and another reporter takes over.

R : This is Eugene from DNA. You said there would be prosperity along with peace. What steps do you propose to take towards this?

NM : We will have a two pronged strategy – Sops for the rich and credit for the poor. All industries will be given tax breaks, and subsidized land. Some people may call such a strategy an ana-crony-ism but I say – you can’t lather up the economy without some sop.

R : What about the poor people then? Won’t you be taking away their land?

NM : What do they need land for? I’ll give them money. Easy credit will be made available through a new financial institution called the Votebank of India. They can freely borrow and spend. And before every election, I’ll waive off the loans. In this way, I will be unwavering in my principles and waivering in my actions.

Lalit Modi returns, takes his place and surveys the gathering with a grin.

LM : We’ll thus have Citi moments of success as well as Village moments of success.

R : This is Mani from Economic Times. If you give sops to the industrialists and free credit to the poor, won’t the nation go broke? Owning a Mint doesn’t necessarily make money, as our rivals in HT found out. Where will the money for all this come from?

LM : Let me answer this one. Advertising is the key. We will raise money through sponsorships. Everything will be sponsored and branded. States, cities, mountains, rivers whatever. In any case, we keep making meaningless changes to the names of our cities. I say, let’s make it meaningful. So we’ll have Viagrajasthan, Zandu Balmbay, Raybangalore, Playwindhyas & Digjamuna. The map of India will look like Times Square. This is what I call ad-ministration. In rural areas, even people will be branded. Kissan, for instance, has evinced interest in branding every single farmer. After all, our constitution does talk about universal adult franchise.

R : This is Tara, from Society. What about social freedom. Do you plan to continue BJPs rather draconian policies on morality, censorship, etc.?

NM : Listen, you are all children of the state. And like any parent, the state wants to keep you innocent, obedient and compliant. I’m a pop who won’t let you paap. Liberty, Equality & Fraternity are all things of the past. We believe in Sobriety, Conformity & Paternity. Remember we are a Republic, not a Reprivate. So public opinion will rule over private preferences. And I represent the public. So my private thoughts become public policy, and my public pronouncements control private behaviour and… errr (confusedly), Lalit, do you want to add to this one…

LM : But not to worry, do what you like. All digressions will be punished only by fines. We call it the Cash for Sins scheme. Live it up, but pay up. This is our fine formula which we are currently er… refining.

R : I’m Chittaranjan Dash from Telegraph, so I’ll keep my question short. What about foreign policy?

NM : Look, as a country we were left-aligned, tried to get right-aligned, and pretended to be centre-aligned or in fact, non-aligned. Nothing has worked, so we will try out the only alignment remaining – justified. We’ll do what we want and justify it later. Truly out-of-the-box thinking. In a box setting.

R : This is E.V.R. Reddy from DC. As I’ve chronicled so far, you have promised sops for the rich, dole for the poor, private sponsorship of public property, and public control of private life. And all this with justification. Interesting. So how do you plan to promote this party?

NM : I will traverse the length and breadth of this country. I’ll reach the heights of oratory & plunge the depths of morality. Everywhere I’ll kindle public anger by ranting about the ills of the current government. In a sense, it’ll be series of rave parties. Which will be done in a Wrath Yatra.

LM : This Wrath Yatra, will be capsuled and telecast as a reality show – The MTV Modis. We will also extensively use the internet. With the number of bans we plan to impose, taking banners is quite easy for us. And like Ayodhya, we’ll also do a few site-captures. The funds for these will come from our corporate cronies, who will help us with our hoardings.

NM : That’s all for the time being folks. As you see, we have a dream. Of a country with fast-paced growth. Supported by sponsorship. Let me assure you, no stone will be left unthrown, in our quest for peace, prosperity & high-TRPs.

LM : Yes. You could say, our vision for India is 20-20.

Disclaimer – This post is entirely fictitious. It contains not a modi-cum of truth. But who knows. The two fictional gentlemen do share a common love for autocracy, intolerance & big business.

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Ramalinga Raju on Trial, Shivraj Patil & Sardar Patel, Manmohan Singh calling Customer Service, and Ramadoss meeting Devadoss.

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55 comments

  1. Anand says:

    Amazing!!!
    Nab
    Name selection for the reporters wee impeccable.

  2. ravi says:

    well have to thank my friend for mailing ur obama blog – was obliquely very funny which made me to visit ur website i havent finished reading all ur blogs but this “MODIES” is a ripper have to get a scan done to check for any gastric perforation great talent god bless

  3. Ankit Ashok says:

    ROTFL! LMAO!

    wonderful stuff.

  4. Revathi says:

    Great humour. You should be writing speeches for politicians . the elections will then have atleast an entertainment value.

  5. nrispot says:

    Great humour….Enjoyed reading…will try adding to our page

  6. C.C.Gemini says:

    going by this logic, whats the connection between tara and society? star?? astrology………Iam sorry “RS” missed that…”Star”dust and Society both come from the house of Magna publications………..

  7. some1 says:

    Hey Ramesh, excellent writing. But I see a steady decline in your post count compared to what it was a while ago.

    Are you writing a book? That’s what usually keeps bloggers busy.

  8. C.C.Gemini says:

    I will catch up with you in future..As I too….believe in SOBriety, CONformity & PATernity

  9. Shreeny says:

    Awesome stuff! And the new layout is nice too. Keep rocking :)

  10. Ramesh Srivats says:

    Thanks all. Glad you enjoyed it.

  11. shiva says:

    Ramesh- please start copyrighting these posts esp the last one.you dont realise that you are sitting on a gold mine while you are looking out for iron ore !!

  12. Senthilkumar says:

    Absolute laugh riot, just cant imaging these two guys together and you do have a point with the disclaimer…

  13. LNV RAO says:

    Good read, Modi/s impeccably guiding sense of humour. Keep the flow of witty writing

  14. Ekta khetan says:

    Absolute brilliant!!! Every single line had a catch, a kick and lots of humor…

    You are a genius!

  15. Sudarshan says:

    I rather liked some of the earlier posts (Election Symbols, Back to blogging) much more…..

    Pretty Good but nowhere close to your earlier blogs and what I have written…

    http://sbengani.blogspot.com/2009/06/why-bengal-bhill-nebhar-recobhar.html

    http://sbengani.blogspot.com/2009/05/dead-horses.html

    Your critiques/ comments please on this…

  16. Deepak says:

    Only one word – hillarious :-)
    Great peice of writing, you have a great sense of humour.
    Nice political satire, keep posting such great stuff.

  17. Indian says:

    For me usually spirited conversations began at Tea-stalls and ended at Cigarette shops but this digital version is no less “spirited”. :) enjoyed your blog and reading a lot, especially because I am a Gujarati and know how you feel when you have a CM like NM. Though it is tough to go on ‘high spirits’ here so let us keep it to Digital Spirit here..

  18. Aditi says:

    Well written :)
    A humorous satire is always a good away to talk about the depressing realities we face everyday.
    “BJP neither helping the Bharatiya Janata nor allowing anybody to Party” – got me to read the entire thing. Thanks :P

  19. […] No one can accuse this blog of not having a sense of humour. For more laughs, read the entire piece here. […]

  20. Hiren says:

    Masterpiece
    Cheers !!!

  21. amazingly piece of work – art; satire used in the best possible way to leave, in your own words, no stone unthrown at ppl we unknow. every single snippet is absolutely …… well, paused for long, couldn’t find any word to do justice to your work. i am putting it on my facebook profile.

  22. this was such good fun after a hard day at work :) have shared it on twitter & FB :)

  23. Arun says:

    Bravo ! Bravo!

  24. Rohan says:

    Brilliant stuff as usual. :)

  25. […] Modi & Modi United | LET'S PUT DA With Congress continuing to have congress with the public, BJP neither helping the Bharatiya Janata nor allowing anybody to Party, and thinking having left all leftist thinkers, the time seems ripe for a new formation. In walks Narendra Modi in a spotless kurta-pajama and Lalit Modi in a spotted tie and his (only?) grey suit. (tags: satire humor humour india politics modi) […]

  26. Blue Spirits says:

    Great imagination and creativity but put to wrong use. What a waste! IIT – IIM – 15 yrs work ex and using all the talent and creativity not to build constructive. It’s not enough to mock and entertain to have fun. Someone of your stature can really do a lot for India. Next time, try concentrating on that. ;-)

  27. SunnyKris says:

    Sir,

    i observed the reporter names..please tell i’m not hallucinating this up..

    Eu”gene” – DNA!
    Dash from Telegraph!!!! wow!
    “Mani” – Economic Times!! good one.

    and my favourite..
    “E.V.R. Reddy ” – as in everready? battery? – DC – direct current and also deccan chronicle? woah! standing ovation!!

    going by this logic, whats the connection between tara and society? star?? astrology??

    Mind boggling sir.. simply mind boggling..

    – Sunil

  28. super ramesh you are back with a bang….love the no stone unthrown and of course the names of the cities….ha haha……perfect start for your modi-fied blog

  29. Mihir Modi says:

    Just couldn’t pick my favourite part in this one :D
    Brilliance!

  30. […] No one can blame Hamara Congress for not having a sense of humour. For more laughs, read the entire piece here. […]

  31. Param says:

    Hilarious, hope it is not a window to the future

  32. allthecrap says:

    too good….would love to see part 2.. :D

  33. Dushyant says:

    Super stuff was in complete split…

  34. Ramesh Srivats says:

    Thanks all. Glad you liked it.

  35. Arpit says:

    wow! brilliant is the word …..

  36. Mohan says:

    Brilliant stuff! Every line was a punchline. Much better than the contrived humour we see on some of the better known “great” blogs.

  37. Deepa says:

    An absolute laugh riot !!! Kudos !

  38. Krishna says:

    Wow~! I had a rollickin’ time reading it!

  39. BALA says:

    Just one word “MASTERLY” !

  40. Ramnath R says:

    Super post again. You have an exceptional talent.

  41. skp says:

    Electric post as a come back …

    Bravo ..

  42. ruSh.Me says:

    No talks about Pakistan and cricket??

    Modisattva can’t work with out these 2… :D

  43. Siddhant says:

    The pops who don’t paap. Clap clap clap!

  44. abhishek says:

    this was a great read .. thanks

  45. Subu says:

    I loooooove Burqaah Dutt

  46. arwa says:

    It was a classic. I could not stop laughing till the very end.

  47. Shyam says:

    *applause*…welcome back !

  48. Rockus says:

    “Nothing has worked, so we will try out the only alignment remaining – justified. We’ll do what we want and justify it later.”

    Super stuff! Take a bow!

  49. Kiran says:

    Outstanding – as usual (now that’s an oxymoron is it not?). There are too many snippets which I was ROTFL’ing at ..and by the time I reached the end of this post, I lost count of the snippets which I wanted to mention as the best ones in the comment :P

    On a related note, I have written about a new party called the Four-and-a-half-th Back which will rival the Third and Fourth fronts. I’l be happy to know your comments on this :)

    Keep rocking. You’re THE best :). And I love the new look and feel BTW.

  50. Saad Akhtar says:

    “…heights of oratory & plunge the depths of morality.”

    Bravo sir, bravo…

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