A Sarkari Formula 1

Dear Dr. Mallya,

I hope this missive finds you in the pink of health and the black of wealth.

I notice that you have been making attempts to help JPSK Sports get government funding for F1. But you must be aware that the sports ministry has firmly declared that anything expensive & entertaining cannot be called a sport. They prefer investing our tax money into activities that are cheap & boring (Kho Kho & Malkhamb to name a couple). In any case, hasn’t the Olympic telecast on DD conclusively proved to you, that in India, sport & entertainment do not mix.

I saw that you tried to take on the minister, MS Gill, on this issue, but you seem to have been sternly rebuffed. In other words you got a danda from gilli.*

But seriously, why on earth do the organisers want money from our government? I know that petrol prices have gone up, but still, isn’t F1 a rather prosperous pursuit? They say it has a global TV audience of 600 million. Surely such a venture would attract some capital. It’s like “Who wants to be a millionaire?” asking the government for a small subsidy.

And think of the perils you invite if you allow our government to get into the event. I can imagine a cabinet meeting where every ministry imposes its agenda on the race. Here is a partial list of possible policy decisions…

1. The race will not be called India F1. It will be renamed the Rajiv Gandhi Memorial Motor Vehicle Race.

2. The circuit will be built by NHAI (with labour drawn under NREGS). Which means, the earliest we can have the event is somewhere around 2025.

3. Instead of the 5 red lights being extinguished, the race will be inaugurated by Sonia Gandhi cutting a ribbon and then gracefully, ambling out of the track.

4. DD will be the host broadcaster and Anupam Gulati will provide the commentary. Which also means that you and your Force India team will have to act in a patriotic A/V set to the music of Chak De India.

5. The health ministry will want the exhausts sealed so that there is no smoking in public places.

6. The education minister will do away with the old-fashioned method of deciding the winner by seeing who comes first. Instead a complex method of continuous evaluation will be used.

7. The winners will not be allowed to drink champagne because that is deeply offensive to Indian sentiments. Coconut water will be served instead. However, it can still be branded Mumms because that goes well with our traditional values.

8. If the event is successful, the HRD ministry will soon start 17 more F1 races by the simple technique of renaming various existing events as F1.

So my advice to you is – stay away from the government. A sarkari Formula 1 is one formula for disaster.

You could however, go to Bollywood for funds. These days they are the biggest patrons of sport. You might have to plant a few trees in the circuit though, so that the cars can go round them. Or better still, ask BCCI. They will give you the money. They love making a lot of noise and going around in circles, anyway.

Warm regards

Ramesh

I’m sure you, dear reader, can offer up a lot more shudder-worthy scenarios. So do pen in your suggestions so that this list can be expanded.

*You can see a transcript of the conversation between Dr. Mallya & Dr. Gill here.

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30 comments

  1. Hey,
    As someone pointed out above, there would be reservations as well, so that under-qualified drivers will be able to compete. So, out of the 3 drivers (spare/test driver extra) per team, 1 is a reservation candidate.
    Also, probably, 10% of the pit crew/race engineers are reserved.

    These people are given a 1 minute head start! And those teams are given V 10 engines instead of V 8’s. And a higher pitlane speed limit for them, as well as they can cut corners and the FIA overlooks many other rules for them, because they are “under-priviledged” :P Ha Ha!

  2. Aneesh says:

    Dude,

    This is hilarious. Keep them coming man.

    This is hilarious.

  3. Srikanth G V says:

    Ok.. what about the F1 being conducted on Hosur Road in Bangalore? Infy people may say due to Sarkari F1 the infrastructure is further spoiled and we need more flyovers…!!!

    what if its on Mysore road? Racers need to stop at the checkpost, pay toll fee and then pass!!

    BTW… superb article… funny as such but makes us think about the government way of functioning!!

  4. Hemanth says:

    sir,what about austerity drive?…Iam wont be surprised if they replace d Mercedes n Toyotas by maruthi n ambassedors

  5. apoorv says:

    i came across your blog today by chance and i really glad that i did, its incredibly hilarious. i am gonna be following your blog regularly, today onwards. cheers.

  6. Mooshik says:

    What if SetMax broadcast F1?

  7. Nirav Doshi says:

    Awesome post! Excellent! :-)

    Sarcasm engulfed in humour!

  8. EMC3 says:

    If the applicant belongs to the quota class, then he is eligible if he clocks a maximum of 30 kms/hour speed.

  9. kedar says:

    neat. home ministry might want traffic policemen strategically positioned on the track so they can add to the coffers in the middle of the race. they’ll make so much money you’ll never see a cop on the city roads.

  10. Prashant Shetty says:

    Great post again and again :) Loved your take on renaming F1, replacement for champagne and kho kho/malkhamb. Of course everybody is entitled to his/her opinion on what’s boring… thanks for the link to Rohan’s post as well

  11. lovely post! funny and scary…

  12. The race will not be called India F1. It will be renamed the Rajiv Gandhi Memorial Motor Vehicle Race.

    Mahalol

  13. naren says:

    Hahaha! Enjoyed every word of this!

  14. Ravi Sekar says:

    Left will first support the event from outside the stadium… and then take processions on the F1 tracks…
    Bill for 33 % reservation for women in F1 will be debated for next 50 years :)
    Burkha Dutt will start a debate “is F1 bigger than H1N1″

  15. Ramnath R says:

    Brilliant post again, Ramesh. Anything you do is complete in itself and cannot be bettered, whatever others may say. Do give these nay-sayers a chance to unsubscribe.

  16. Arvind says:

    Nice one.

    I remember reading the election symbols post on this blog.

    Now I have to subscribe!

  17. Rajesh says:

    Hey Ramesh
    Hilarious as always…really twisted thinking you have, but i missed your disclaimer man…how could you do this. i thought it was your trademark….how how the heck can you lose it.

  18. Chuck says:

    Another superb post, Ramesh!

    Un-put-down-able ;)

  19. Subbu says:

    Sarkari F1 will come with ‘Reservations’, Big Fight on 24×7 channels on whether we are promoting an Elitist culture, animal lovers will protest the dogs being run over, Mamta will want the pride of Bengal-Ambassadors to run in the race.
    Hey, I think Sarkari F1 will be good fun. I want it!

  20. Sowmya says:

    Hi, that was an amazing one!
    I wonder how could you miss out on the reservation in the race for minorities??

  21. sandip says:

    great article but Kho-kho, mallakhamb boring, dude I feel sorry about you, you dont know much about sports. I am also big fan of F1 but I advice you to just go and see live matches of Kho-kho then you will never say this again. DD makes any sports so boring to watch. they should ban DD from telecasting sport events.
    anyways they hardly need any money to organize events for these sports. so its bit comic, you saying these sports are drawing money from your pockets. so kindly request you to remove both of them from your list of boring sports :)

    • Ramesh Srivats says:

      Dude, I’ve seen them live. And nearly died in the process. Of course, if you can suggest a few sports which are even more boring to watch, I’d be happy to scrape the barrel a little more. Ball badminton?

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  23. Hiren Daftari says:

    9. All cheer leaders will wear sarees and wish best luck to the drivers doing tilak and aarti before race begins and will greet winners with flowers.
    10. Air India will be an official airline partner for F1 racing.

  24. thriller says:

    And the 2 Ms (didi’s) will ensure that one elephant and a statue is mandatory at every section end of the lap and the other M will insist that rail tracks be built from the track to Singur to ensure that west bengal will somehow benefit from this. I can scarcely imagine what Butaji will ask for to have his clearance….

  25. Prateek Caire says:

    Brilliant!! u r best funny blogger in India. I like the approach u combine two different ideas logically in most funny way possible. Hilarious as always!!

  26. Rohan says:

    Heh, hilarious! Sorry for stealing your concept before you thought of it and thank you for the link! :)

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