The Alternate Press Conference of Dr. Manmohan Singh

Yawn. What a boring press conference our PM had earlier this week. Read the transcript if you want. Note : It’s partly in Hindi.

Everybody knew what the questions would be. The usual stuff – Pakistan, terrorism, inflation, Naxals, corruption, Rahul, Sonia, and so on.

And everybody knew that there would be no real answers. If it’s a problem, we will look into it. If it’s corruption, the law will take its course. If it’s violence, we are open to talks. And if it’s the Family, we will wax eloquent about them. I wish the man at least tried it to make it a bit interesting. We know he is just a puppet, but even puppets are supposed to entertain, aren’t they?

Anyway, like we do in the case of so many other things, let us try self-help. If the government staunchly refuses to answer our questions, we shall have to do it ourselves. So here are the real answers that Manmohan never gave…

On inflation & economy : Please remember that this is a UPA govt. Which is why the economy has gone UPA, not neechey. And unfortunately prices went UPA-2. However we are working very hard to bring prices down. This is a government you can count on. As well as discount on.

On Pakistan : Pakistan is our biggest neighbour. Of course, China is a far bigger country and we share a border with it, but we don’t consider them our neighbour because they are not very neighbourly. The problems with Pakistan basically stem from a trust deficit. So we need to maintain a dialogue with them. This is getting increasingly difficult though. Because of their recent policies, we are unable to poke them and we can’t send them pomegranate trees for their farms. We can’t even organize a simple tweetup of our foreign ministers. And once they ban gmail, I just don’t understand how we can even contact them. And no, we can’t use the hotline either, because it just goes to a call-centre in Pakistan where middle-aged women talk dirty to us. They really should understand that if social media disappears, everything that is left will be anti-social. Then Aman Ki Asha doesn’t have a chance. Only Yaman Ki Asha.

On Naxals : I’ve been saying for three years that Naxalism is the biggest internal security threat that our country faces. Before that it used to be the guys throwing sandals at our ministers, but now Naxalism has taken a comfortable lead. The root cause of this problem is that their side is filled with Kishens while we seem to have only Kanhaiyyas. So we are a bit reluctant to just go in and wipe them out. You could call it a thrust deficit. Or you could call it a Kishen Jam. Also, we suffer from a limited mandate. i.e. we have limited men and limited dates. Which makes it a logistical nightmare.

On Terrorism : Terrorism knows no religion. Incidentally, it’s also pretty weak at calculus. This government’s stance has been very clear. Whenever we see terror, we promptly condemn it. We assure the terrorists that they will not be able to get away with stuff like this, and we make it very clear that we will not tolerate it. Such hard-hitting statements are bound to sap the morale and resolve of the terrorists. As they say, a bad posture can damage one’s spine. So our government has developed considerable expertise in posturing. In addition to this, when we do capture a terrorist or two, we demonstrate that we have no intention of executing them. So that by the time they do get to paradise they will be far too old to do anything constructive with all those virgins. Their spirit might be willing, but their flesh will be a bit too weak. Heh, heh.

On caste census : In the last election, the people gave us a fractured verdict. Which is why we are dependent on cast. So it’s not possible to just wish away caste equations. But frankly, I really don’t see what the fuss is about. To understand the reason for caste being recorded, you need to first understand the reason for the census. With great effort we collect a lot of data about our people. At a broad level, it throws up a number which we enter into wikipedia as our official population. We then use the various measures gathered to decide stuff like per-capita income & literacy levels. This is a great morale booster because all the people who get to hear about the census are above-average in income and literacy. Also, the finance minister and planning commission use these figures to fix the second decimal place in the thousands of crores they regularly allocate to various welfare schemes. In a nutshell, the census exists to throw up inaccurate figures that nevertheless add an illusion of great detail to various unnecessary schemes that are never implemented anyway. Therefore, any parameter, that can give us another pie-chart or two adds to the richness of the census. Caste is just one of them. In fact, in the next census we are even considering finding out stuff like your favourite colour, lucky number and so on. Please understand – A census without detail is a complete non-census.

On Raja & corruption : For the last 6 years, the UPA has been harping on inclusive growth. Which essentially means that our allies are included in the growth. We have also guaranteed a minimum amount that all the regional parties can make out of public funds. What we call the Common Minimum Programme. So all Raja has done is access his legitimate share. After all without the rising sun, you won’t even have a spectrum, no?

On Rahul Gandhi : Rahul Gandhi is well qualified for a cabinet post. He has piled on to so many people’s houses, that he can be Home Minister. His Spanish girlfriend qualifies him for External Affairs. He got into St. Stephens for his pistol-shooting abilities. So Defence is a possibility. Plus, they say, he has been managing $2 billion dollars in his Swiss Bank which means he could well be our Finance Minister. Seriously, with such all-round abilities, he can be not just a Prime Minister but a Composite Minister.

On illegal mining in Orissa : There is no such thing as illegal mining. Possession, they say, is nine-tenths of the law. If I possess some land it is mine. If it don’t, it is not mine. So please stay away from this issue. You all know what will happen if you step on a mine. Or step on mine. And do remember, at least the state lives up to its name – “Ore”issa. Instead of being like Kashmir which is draining all our cash or Manipur, on which we just spend money.

On the support of the left : Ah! If wishes were horses, a genie would give you three Sarah Jessica Parkers. But leaving that aside, the Left is welcome to join us. The doors of UPA are open to anyone. All any party has to do is win a few seats in parliament, send us proof of the results, and complete the slogan – Sonia Gandhi is great because ….. in not more than 10 words. Incidentally, this contest is also open to employees and relatives of the organisers.

On his legacy : How can I leave a legacy? I have no political will. Hehe. That was a joke. I am not bothered about legacy issues. It is for historians to decide. Or perhaps physicists. That’s because I am a puppet. An honest, decent puppet, but a puppet all the same. And so to understand my legacy, you will need some knowledge of the String Theory.

Jai Hind.

Offer : The Prime Minister is free to use these answers in the next press conference which, the track record suggests, will be held around 2015. You see, the questions are likely to remain the same.

Picture : Whacked from the BBC. Much thanks to them.

Put Share Da

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32 comments

  1. Brijesh says:

    ‘On Pakistan’ bit was awesome. Honestly this is something that home ministry can use in their dialog with Pakistan and no-one would complain.wonderful.

  2. Tariq says:

    The skies over the valley cleared, the Kashmiris hugged each other, there was love and happiness everywhere and the violent memories were washed away; all because the Indian PM spoke in Urdu.
    That’s just what the people of Kashmir needed

  3. Amit S says:

    “[…]with such all-round abilities, he can be not just a Prime Minister but a Composite Minister.[…]” awesome awesome line…. nice thinking… keep them coming

  4. […] Also read a brilliant satire by Ramesh Srivats on the lack of 'real answers' in Indian Politics –  The Alternate Press Conference of …. ] continues to […]

  5. Aarti says:

    I can’t believe that I hadn’t been following ‘Let’s put da’ earlier! Delightful is the word. Thanks for tweeting about the blogadda interview and changing my cyber experience…

  6. s krishnaswamy says:

    I am so pleased to read your punny blog after such a long break. Keep these blogs going. our ministers and politicians, sportsmen,swamis are all working overtime to provide you fodder.
    go have a crack at them all

  7. Fantastic! Great read. Keep writing!

  8. Ashish says:

    whats up on the Sarah JP angle? Three of them will be one-third your girth. Maybe thats why the early morning work outs!

    Loved the post… Cheers…

  9. Ram says:

    Great post. I had been missing your posts for a long time. Definitely worth a wait. Thanks for writing. Please continue to write regularly.

  10. Ramsay says:

    Checked my (blocked) Gmail account this morning and what joy to find you in the Inbox. Promptly forwarded it to myself. I have now had the account automatically route all messages to my official id. Otherwise, I may have missed out on this and future gems from the God of satire. Keep punching the keyboard.

  11. debo says:

    fabulous!!! seriously, i laughed all the way through, and like most really funny things, youre right:))) heheheheh am going to get my friends to read this…

  12. Chikki says:

    One of the best mockeries, I have come across. Mockery can bring down kingdoms. This one hits the nail and makes you realize the sham UPA is pulling.
    If only we had some sort of award for mockery with a meaning, you would have deserved it .

    My Fav
    “Such hard-hitting statements are bound to sap the morale and resolve of the terrorists.”

  13. Ramesh Srivats says:

    Thanks all. Glad you liked it.

  14. xavier says:

    brilliant piece man. thoroughly enjoyed it.

  15. Shubhankar says:

    An Excellent Read

    I liked “There is no such thing as illegal mining. Possession, they say, is nine-tenths of the law. If I possess some land it is mine. If it don’t, it is not mine. So please stay away from this issue. You all know what will happen if you step on a mine. Or step on mine.”

    Hail the pun god!

  16. Mani says:

    M’dris ,

    A diagnosis for your medical condition: Tongue (perennially) in Cheek!

  17. Subbu says:

    Two more questions and the real thoughts of our PM that seems to have been missed out

    “CBI is not used as a political weapon”:
    In spite of pressures from high command and ministers, I have prevented CBI from being renamed as ‘Congress Bureau of Investigation’.
    CBI, Election Commission etc are great national institutions working for national interests. Since Congress is a national party, they dutifully work for our interest.

    “Repatriation of illegal money held in Swiss banks”:
    It said that the money held in Swiss banks can wipe out the deficit 13 times over. So we have the potential to create a deficit that is 13 times the current one. Why should we lose out on this Godsend opportunity to serve the people and create deficit. Moreover, high command is not pleased with the quality of service that Indian banks like SBI, ICICI provide.

  18. bollyglot says:

    Super Satire! Kudos!

  19. naren says:

    Superbness! Enjoyed! “How can I leave a legacy? I have no political will.” Priceless :)

  20. Super. Good to see you are back.

  21. Subbu says:

    Hey, Ramesh. Brilliant stuff and this really the real stuff. If there is a way to record what people are actually thinking (while saying the exact opposite), your post ‘is it’ for our PM.

    BTW, you missed another potential question. ‘His Ministers and their foot-in-the-mouth disease’.

  22. Sanjay Uvach says:

    Brilliant satire on the officialspeak (#IndianMyths) that has frozen our nation in a time warp. “You see, the questions are likely to remain the same” and so will be the answers. Yet many of our eminent Journo’s waxed eloquent on what the Prime Minister meant and did not mean. One could even infer that because he said “action will be taken if guilt is proved”, he might have meant that action against A Raja is likely. Whoops! He should have simply said that no action will be taken, proof or no proof, till we need their support. But then that would be plainspeak and a violation of the officialspeak code of conduct.

    Sanjay Uvach
    http://www.nobribe.org

  23. Rahul says:

    Well,we all are puppets in the hands of others one way or the other.We have our bosses.we try everything to pls them better than we try to please our wives.He has to pls his bosses & allies or u know what will happen.Our country will descend into greater chaos & no govt stable functioning at the centre is something BAD. I think at least he sounded more confident.Although there weren’t any tough question at that.I think he is better than A.Raja or tytler or anyone else to the post. I am happy its filled by a puppet rather than a Gunda or scamster.I feel safer.

  24. Raj says:

    Brilliant Piece. please do me a favor send it to S.Varadrajan of The Hindu and Rajdeep Sardesai please send CC to other Lamers of MSM (ENGLISH).

  25. santhosh krish says:

    Hai pun god ,

    thoroughly njoyed reading the blog ;

    finally after a long hiatus get to read ur puns in more than 140 characters ;

    ” government you can count on. As well as discount on.”

    “without the rising sun, you won’t even have a spectrum, no?”

    were really awesome ;

    gr8 work ;

    cheers
    santhosh

  26. an says:

    Ramesh Srivatsav for PM Please !!!!!

  27. gsj says:

    “All any party has to do is win a few seats in parliament, send us proof of the results, and complete the slogan – Sonia Gandhi is great because ….. in not more than 10 words. Incidentally, this contest is also open to employees and relatives of the organisers.”

    Brilliance, I say

  28. ± says:

    Brilliant—> After all without the rising sun, you won’t even have a spectrum, no?

    Awesome…bahut maheeno baad, Da ne Put kiya, hya hit kiya ;)

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