2010 : Tweet by Tweet – Part 1

What a nice time we’ve had in 2010 (Or MMX according to Romans). It’s been a great year with much to jeer. 12 months of strikes & bandhs. 52 weeks of scams and leaks.

This was the year in which Kalmadi made a killing, Assange did some spilling, CBI kept grilling, while Manmohan was just chilling.

The year in which Sachin kept scoring, and er.., so did Nityananda.

Many things happened. Lalit Modi was deposed, Yana Gupta was exposed, Rahman composed, while as usual, Deve Gowda reposed.

So here’s the year the way I saw it. On Twitter.

January

Jyoti basu dies at 11.47 a.m., yet again almost making it to P.M.

UPSC increases civil services intake from 580 to 965. Ouch. 385 more bureaucrats each year. A real Babulation Explosion.

Kerala gets 3G services. Now they can call themselves “GGGods own country”.

February

Kishenji announces his phone number : 9734695789 . Now we don’t need the army to fight him. ICICI will finish him off.

Lok Sabha meets. Noise. Confusion. Lok Sabha adjourns. It’s time we rename our parliament the Joke Sabha.

India says no to Bt brinjal. An auberginity lost?

March

Eyjafjallajokull causes much dust, grime, trouble & laughter.

Everybody in India is laughing at the name – Eyjafjallajokull. From Udhagamandalam, to Thiruvananthapuram.

What’s common to Iceland & Abhishek? Both are wondering what to do with ash.

Sania Mirza announces that she’s going to marry Shoaib Malik

Thank God, Sania doesn’t have to do 7 pheras with Shoaib. She’ll never get past the first round.

Anagram of “Sania has a Malik” – “Asli aman ki asha”.

April

ND Tiwari may have to take DNA test. Ha. So far for him, a double-helix was just an interesting position in bed.

Sachin Tendulkar’s birthday today? Let’s celebrate it as runmashtami.

The good thing is that Sachin has turned 37. Which means, for the next 365 days, he will be in his prime.

IPL-3 happens with much glitz, glamour & goris.

Definite Punjab victory over Mumbai today. Mumbai may have the X-factor in Sachin. But Yuvi gives Punjab the XXL-factor.

Matthew Hayden to change his name to Matthew_Hayden. After all he is a chronic under-scorer.

If Vijay Mallya had his way, after the quarter-finals, IPL would have the half-finals & full-final.

And the post-IPL party starts.

If an aquarium can have water and a planetarium, planets, why can’t a consortium have a consort?

Tharoor to Sunanda on Orkut – “will you make fraaaanchise with me?”

Forget floccinaucinihilipilification. The new longest non-technical word will be foxyproxyiniplleadstovilification.

BJP, RJD & BSP want JPC probe into IPL so that NCP will get caught & UPA will be in trouble. Acronymous scenes in parliament.

May

If India were a gym, Delhi would be the sauna, Chennai, the steam-room & Bangalore, the a/c reception. Mumbai will be the pool in 2 months.

Facebook banned in Pakistan? Maybe someone should tell them that “poke” has nothing to do with pigs.

Punjab farmer bids Rs.10L for Car Regn. No. CH01AC0001. What prosperity. CH01AC001 De India.

Kasab gets sentenced

Like all sentences, Kasab’s too ends in a full stop.

If he’s sentenced to death, Kasab will be 51st in the queue. “Capital” punishment just means your file is stuck in Delhi.

Subhash Ghai was ahead of his times. He introduced 4G in 1989. A-G, oh-G, lo-G suno-G.

June

FIFA World Cup provides a lot of kicks

I don’t think Mexico will make any attempt at the Argentinian goal. A Mexican can’t take a shot without salt and lemon.

I think Italy should be allowed to have an extra player on the field. After all, Azzurri usually comprises 12 people.

The feeling of having heard a damn irritating noise before – Deja Vu-vuzela

On the offside, first there is God, then there is Ganguly. And then sometimes Argentina.

If India had qualified for the World Cup, Chetan Bhagat would have been goalie & Mamata the forward. He can block, she can strike.

Germany, Uruguay, Netherlands & Spain. So the big G.U.N.S. have made it to the semis.

TN may free 500 convicts to mark Tamil conference. Why, may i know? Did classical Tamil have shorter sentences?

Ahmedabad to celebrate World Blood Donation day. Hopefully, this time around, they’ll keep it voluntary.

July

Bopanna & Qureshi to play tennis match with Wagah border as the net. Thereby showing that there are faults on both sides.

CWG fun begins

Now I understand why the CWG mascot is called Shera. They want a Shera this, a Shera that, and a Shera everything that makes money.

New HR rating scheme- 5: Exceeds Expectations, 4: Meets Expectations, 3: Average, 2: Needs Improvement, 1: Kalmadi.

Suresh Kalmadi plans to give us the Common & the Games. The rest, he’ll keep.

So Amit Shah is behind the Sohrabuddin fake encounter uh? Makes sense. His name is, after all, an anagram of “a sham hit”.

August

Manmohan becomes third PM to hoist flag at Red Fort for 7th time. Sigh. So many hoisters, so few pearls.

If life gives you lemons, be very happy. They’re now Rs.100 per kg.

I’d like to start a paper factory that supplies clean chits to the CBI. Big business potential.

Congress to have elections to decide its President. Ha. That’s like Robinson Crusoe conducting interviews to select his assistant.

It’s a great day for our planet. All the top places in Miss Universe are bagged by earthlings.

Spot-fixing controversy hits Pakistan cricket

Pakistan is the world champion in book cricket.

There’s actually a website that does nothing but spot-fixing. It’s called Foursquare.

September

CWG action continues

Finally some positive news about the CWG – 5 athletes test positive for dope.

1.6 million meals to be served during CWG. Oh. No wonder they have created such a big mess.

Delhi gets hit by Dengue.

What Delhi needs is some Ram Sene folks. They won’t let the mosquitoes breed till they get married.

I propose that we make mosquitoes our national insect. Then the government will try to protect them and they’ll become extinct.

Kasab case drags on

Sentenced terrorists have a good time in india – They are footloose and phaansi free.

UID launched. The first person gets an aadhar number. The second gets anaadhar number. And so on.

I guess, in Jalandhar, people will soon be bidding lakhs of rupees for a premium UID number.

Ayodhya verdict happens. Seems to be on the basis of Share-ya law.

This Ayodhya issue is quite complex. Hindus want a temple, Muslims want a mosque, while Mayawati actually wants a statue.

Off to Google Maps to mark Nungambakkam as Rameshjanmabhoomi so that there’s no confusion in 5510AD.

Raymonds wants to sponsor the Ayodhya verdict, because it turned out to be a 3-piece suit.

October

Obama’s goal seems to be to see as much of India and as little of Indians as possible.

In TN, a million more TV sets will be distributed. Our whole country seems to be in an alms race.

Advice to Arundhati Roy : if at first you don’t secede, cry, cry, cry again.

Mukesh Ambani is not the first to stay in Antilla. Centuries back, Valmiki used to hang out in one.

November

The more the number of Diwali sweets in your house, the faster they get spoilt. : Burfi’s Law.

Raja scam explodes

A. Raja is living proof that there is a pot of gold at the end of the spectrum.

In India, scams have an alarming frequency. And now, with Raja, frequencies have an alarming scam.

Dear Manmohan Singh, it would be apt if you could sack our telecom minister using radio language : Raja. Over and out.

Manmohan Singh continues to do nothing about anything

Manmohan Singh’s Third Law of Motion : Every action has an equal and opposite inaction.

One day there will be a movie made about Manmohan Singh. And the director will go, “Lights. Camera. Inaction.”

Manmohan Singh’s personal integrity is unquestionable. Mostly because he never attends question hour.

Yeddy allots land to his children

My name is Yeddy. I’m a great father, a cool deddy. Politics has been bleddy, but be happy that I am steddy. ‘Cos else you’ll be stuck with Reddy.

The nation finds out that Radia : Government :: Sonia : Manmohan

Q : How do you fit 1000 media people in a hotel? A : 998 in 499 double rooms. And Barkha & Sanghvi in the lobby.

There was a lady, Radia. Whose contacts could fill stadia. But to get stuff done, she’d trust no one, except the helpful media.

December

Wikileaks threatens national security, or rather politicians’ security

I came. I saw. No one was around. So i took a leak. – Veni Vidi Wiki.

TIME had a difficult choice for Person of the Year. Assange, who attacked governments’ privacy. Or Zuckerberg, who went after people’s.

No no. You have to wear a condom. A red ribbon does not prevent AIDS.

Sarkozy is a VIP Frenchie, right?

Sarkozy to Bruni on Orkut – Shall we be France?

To protect against hacking, DRDO instructs all government officials to change their password from sonia123.

MMS & team are busy blowing balloons for Sonia’s birthday. They’ve told their staff that they’re tackling inflation.

Diggy on the railway, taking some calls. Along came an Injun & broke Diggy’s balls. “Eey,” said Diggy, in a squeak. “Ha,” said the Injun, “now no more leaks.”

Many bills were passed in the parliament session. Travel bills, food bills, etc.

We should also screw China by issuing visas that are attached by mere gem-clips.

There was this guy called Manian. Very very fond of onion. He ate ‘em till it hurt. So he lost his shirt. Now he roams in a chaddi & banian.

More stuff in Part 2. And yes, you can follow me on Twitter here. And if you have as much of a life as I do, you could read the rest of the stuff, on Short Puts.

Put Share Da

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8 comments

  1. anand subramanian says:

    Hi ramesh, i heard a damn good one yesterday What is Deja choo !!

    Teh feeling that I have seen this CHOOO…..iah somewhere before !!.

    i could not stop laughing….

    why have you stopped your blogs!

  2. Anaggh Desai says:

    Lovely, keep it going…changed the link, since am technologically challenged about back links etc.

  3. [...] inspiration from Ramesh Srivats’ post in true Indian style, here’s a snapshot what my mind coughed up on twitter in 2010 [...]

  4. Shrinidhi says:

    Unbelievably funny :) Keep up the humor!!

  5. sripakshi paravai says:

    Thanks for the laughs, boss. Hope you are doing well…”let’s put da”…that’s an old one :) :)

  6. Swami says:

    We should recommend Ramesh for the ‘PUNdit Ratna’ award. His tweets are worth time-capsuled for posterity.

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