2011 : A Twitrospective

Yes, yes. As we all know, that’s how we do it on Twitter. People become tweeple, meet-ups become tweet-ups, and twins become er… you get what I mean. So as we twug along in 2012, twondering tworriedly if the twayans were twight, maybe it’s twime to do a twitrospective of 2011. Through my tweets, as you no doubt twigured out. So here goes. Twenjoy…

January

John Lennon once told us to imagine a world without boundaries. Dravid & Gambhir just gave us a brief glimpse of it.

Any chance of Rahul Gandhi entering the cabinet? Isn’t it time Sonia did some beta testing?

Maybe Yeddy could be sent to Kashmir. In a few years, all the land will belong to his family, and all problems will be solved.

The Republic Day parade should have a CBI tableau. Perhaps, a truck filled with clean chits.

Government of Egypt blocks all internet access. The country can now be renamed gypt.

February

Egypt should be divided. One-third to Mubarak. One-third to the protestors. And one-third to Nirmohi Akhara.

If you look at our recent captains, perhaps Sourav gave us a spine, Kumble gave us a heart, and Dhoni gave us balls.

Kasab to be counted in the census. Our govt has obviously misunderstood the term – “counter terrorism”.

Business Idea: Facebook Holidays. Where you don’t really go anywhere but we create lots of photos for you to share.

100 phones tapped each day per operator. Finally we have a government that listens to us.

Vote for Baba Ramdev. He’ll be the PM who can help you make your ends meet. Your head and toe, that is.

March

Mayawati, Jayalalitha & Mamata should now form an alliance. They can call it Behenji-Amma-Didi. Or BAD, for short.

Kalmadi’s aide is in jail. Raja’s aide is dead. Satish sharma denies ever having an aide. India seems quite serious about eradicating aides.

Police Manual: if it’s one guy, take a bribe. If it’s a couple, harass. If it’s a bunch of people, lathi charge. If it’s a mob, disappear.

Sachin’s father must be getting a bit irritated now. Every bastman looks up towards him after a century.

Yuvraj has a major Oedipus complex. He just doesn’t let go of MoM

According to Census 2011, there are 940 females for every 1000 males in India. Those 60 unfortunate men join the Ram Sene, i guess.

April

I think the best way to get things done in India from now on is to say, “Do it for Sachin”. Eg. Could you fill this pothole? For Sachin.

Dear Baba Ramdev, we can’t ban 1000 & 500 rupee notes. We are a secular country. So we need to respect all denominations.

Some days, Digvijay Singh makes no sense. Other days, he is silent.

Hello Suresh-ji. | Namaste Raja-ji. | What are you here for ji? | CWG. And you ji? | 2G | Okay-ji.

Two weapons against corruption: Lokpal and Chappal.

A documentary on Air India’s planes – Saare Zameen Par.

May

I really don’t understand why people consider alcohol to be a problem. Chemically speaking, it’s a solution.

Since 1977, West Bengal has been crawling along at approximately 0.00000000001 kmph. They’ve just covered 3 CMs in 34 years.

June

Once P&G buys Unilever, the unified entity can be called Procter and Gamble and Lever. Abbreviated to PaGaL.

Gandhi would have been a great bowler. He could do spin as well as fast.

Hmm… Anna,… Baba. Good alphabetical start. I predict that the next fast will be by Chacha Chaudhary.

Baba Ramdev is going to create an army with a headcount of 11,000. Or a leg-count of 22,000. Depending on which side is up.

I think Jaya should become a BJP ally. She’ll get along with Sushma. Also with Hema & Rekha. Sabki pasand Nirma.

Three generations of Bachchans – BigB, WannaB, and now BayB.

25-paise coins to go off circulation from Jun 30. The govt feels they can’t handle one Anna, so there’s no need for four.

July

Every night families in rural U.P. must be shuddering in anticipation of Rahul Gandhi piling on to their dinner and whacking their charpai.

I think Manmohan should get VVS Laxman into the cabinet. The UPA is in major trouble in its second innings.

August

After 8² years of independence, most Indians can’t afford 3² meals a day. But try protesting. And section 12² will be imposed.

Kalmadi: So what are you here for? | Anna: Jan Lokpal bill. And you? | Kalmadi: Er… video bill, sponsorship bill, catering bill, etc.

Karunanidhi should put out a statement – What do you mean Tihar is filled with DMK? As of today it contains Anna, DMK.

India has a very Twitter friendly bowling attack. No one crosses 140.

Maybe Om Puri just thought that ganwaar was the short form of ganwaarnment.

All MPs to get iPads. Awesome. As Om Puri would say, from anPad to iPad in 3 days.

September

“N>ass>er” has a straight “ass” in it, while “Hu<ssa<in” has a reverse one. #JustSaying

Hidden somewhere in Sharad Pawar’s asset declaration form is a small line in 6pt italics – *all figures in Rs. ’000.

It’s been a pretty decent tour for india. We beat three teams – Sussex, Kent & Leicestershire. And lost to only one – England.

The word “Engineer” is derived from “Anjaneyar” (or Hanuman), who built a bridge and didn’t hang around with girls. #itallhappenedinindia

Twitter: What’s happening. FB: Who’s happening. LinkedIn: I’m happening. Orkut: Happen with me. Google+: Why is nothing happening?

Modi’s to-do list – Saturday: Peace ☑. Sunday: Unity ☑. Monday: Harmony ☐. Tuesday: Unlimited Thali ☐.

From now on NaMo shall be written as namo. Why? Because Modi doesn’t like CAPS.

October

Bangalore may have a nice past. And a great future. But there’s no current.

India: ♫ Home shanti home, shanti, shanti home. ♫ | England: ♬ Main tho away away away away lut gaya. ♬

Infosys: More profits means great quarter. | UB: More quarters means great profit.

BJP guy gives 500 rupee notes to journalists for +ve Rath Yatra coverage. He must have heard that a good reporter always takes notes.

A woman saw her husband stepping into the path of a speeding car. “Car. Watch out,” she screamed. He lived, & we celebrate Karva Chauth.

November

It’s VVS Laxman’s birthday today. Much celebration all over India. 2-minute silence in Australia.

Anna Hazare breaks vow of silence. So Manmohan Singh wins this one.

A bigtime Eid Mubarak to all. Except of course, goats. Who tend to look at EID backwards.

Why was Cyrus Mistry chosen over Noel Tata? Well, that’s the subject for a Mistry Noel.

Maybe Walmart should quietly slime in after indianizing their name to Agarwalmart.

December

Must see The Dirty picture. Silk Smitha. Nylex Nalini. Polyester Padmini. They are the ones who formed the er… fabric of our society.

Okay everyone. Stop what you’re doing and get ready for 13/12/11 10:09. The Madhuri Dixit in reverse moment.

Think of the tiger. Think of hockey. Now you get it? The real problem with the rupee is that it is the national currency of India.

PM says India and China are good friends. Of course we are. We have so much in common. Like Arunachal Pradesh.

Anna is now in Chennai. And pleasantly surprised that everything in that city is named after him.

What? Russia has banned the Gita? We should immediately retaliate by banning “Problems in General Physics” by Irodov.

Looks like this democracy is a very flawed system. Good thing we don’t have it.

You can follow me on Twitter – @rameshsrivats or Facebook – rameshsrivats. All my tweets can also be found on Short Puts.

Disclaimer: Dear Kapil Sibal, my account was hacked.

Put Share Da

33 comments

  1. TheBurntMap says:

    Instant follower!! Hilariousss!!

  2. We love you over at Frrole, Ramesh. Not just us, it is the machine too – there is hardly ever a time when our algo does not find you to be the top tweeter for Bangalore!

    Keep them coming.

  3. ramsay says:

    Your talent is enormous. Do create a digital library of your writings for the reading pleasure of future generations.

  4. dinesh says:

    Ever imagined what you would be doing if there were no Twitter….Well, u should have invented it!

    Thanks for the Twittainment..

  5. Rk says:

    twins become tintin :P

  6. minakshi says:

    as witty as ever ramesh:)

  7. This is a fantastic blog post Sir! Terrific! And truly witty!:) Happy tweeting!:)

  8. revati says:

    Twnicely tweeted :)

  9. BV says:

    Amazing twitticisms… puns well spun
    Thanks :)

  10. I follow you on twitter simply because you have terrific sense of humour in your tweets.This compilation has given me one more reason to smile .Thanks

  11. Dinesh H N says:

    Superb..!

  12. Divya says:

    Twenjoyed the tweets!! Truly Twilarious :)

  13. KK says:

    Boss your mind is something way above the ordinary – you see things in a totally different light … incisive, witty, brilliant, contemporary, genius …. fantastico

  14. Ashok says:

    Your tweet a day, keeps the doctor away!

  15. Rohan says:

    Interesting trivia: One of the tweets quoted above (Engineer – Anjaneyar) is among the most popular tweets (till date) in his timeline. It has got him 917 RTs and 102 Favs so far.

  16. Brilliant Sir :) I am your big time fan ! Your tweets have helped me have loads of smiles and laughter every time I have read them.. For a person like me who lives with a fear of heading into Creative Bankruptcy, your flash creativity gives me a lot of hope and motivates me

  17. Brilliant Sir :) I am your big time fan ! Your tweets have helped me have loads of smiles and laughter every time I have read them.. For a person like me who lives with a fear of heading into Creative B

  18. Anil Nayak says:

    Original, brilliant unbelievably witty!

    Never miss a chance to send them to my friends.

    Pl grow some hair and safeguard ur brain. It’s precious.

    Anil

  19. Anandi says:

    Too good….kudos for your imagination and the fact that this is all based on real events affecting us…Love to follow ur twitters!!!

  20. Venkatraman Ganesh says:

    Any tiring day comes to a bright end after reading Ramesh Srivats’s witty tweets on FB !! Jahanpanah tussi great ho!! :)

  21. Harish says:

    Stolen a few,gave credit to most,keep them coming

  22. Gowri Subramanya says:

    Twitty tweets!…er…witty tweets! Thoroughly enjoyable! Thanks for the compilation.

  23. Anupam says:

    Sirjee. Total total respect.

  24. Prasanna says:

    You are probably the only twitteratti writing real tweets. Most of the other celebs are busy promoting themselves or their books or events. For them, twitter is a promotion channel. For you, it is a channel to showcase the humorous side of life. Thanks for making life a bit more enjoyable. May you live for at least 140 years!!

  25. Devraj_P says:

    Brilliant !!

  26. GSai says:

    Extwellent collectwion.
    Can’t help notice how things have changed by now. For eg., a couple of our bowlers have moved to blogs from twitter. Australia spent a few 2 silent minutes on seeing VVS. And a bucnh of other batsmen too. The India crowd that is.

  27. Nabeel Adeni says:

    Hey Ramesh, the 140 character word limit can seldom be used as effectively as you do it . The content you come up with, almost always contains an underlying message(The Truth) and is delivered in a very cheeky way. The reader cannot help but get hooked on to it, simply because he can relate to it in some way or another. Keep up the good work! :)

  28. Balaji Ranganathan says:

    Whataa playerrr !

  29. aaquib naved says:

    Glad to see you back. Thanks for this. Effing awesome, as always.

  30. george says:

    twerrific!!!!!

  31. Nithin says:

    Nice!. Embedding the tweets would have been cool? Some of these are worth a re-tweet. Love the disclaimer!

  32. Puneet says:

    Brilliant Sir Brilliant !!! Big tym followr

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