Oops. I just realized that my last post here was made even earlier than Sachin Tendulkar’s last test century. The whole of 2011 has been dry as a Gujarat. But wait. I did write something. An article that Outlook published as “The ‘Er…’ In Leader“. So what better way to pretend that this blog is alive, than a slimy repeat of the same. Here it is…
Dare to think beyond the IIMs. Now dare to think beyond institutes that you think of, when you dare to think beyond the IIMs. And you have…
SIR CAWRY ACADEMY OF MANAGEMENT – A B-school of notional importance.
Sir Cawry Academy of Management has been set up in order to create a pool of well-trained young people who will be placed in political parties.
Every aspect of the academy, from the campus to the curriculum, has been designed to equip our students with hard-core management principles, so that they can become the dealers of tomorrow.
The academy boasts of a sprawling campus near Delhi within easy access of the airport, parliament & Tihar. The entire area is a hi-security zone with numerous metal detectors, but students are trained to bypass them. Each student is assigned a personal car with a red light on top, and provided with an escort detail that clears the road for them. This of course, leads to minor problems, when more than one student is on the move at the same time. Wherever one sees, there’s a mess. But that’s only because we want to make sure that our students’ every desire is catered to; at all times.
Our course-material has been put together by an expert team from the government. Care has been taken to inculcate every skill needed for a political career.
Finance: Students start off with a nihilistic look at accounting where they start with double-entry bookkeeping and gradually drop entries till they reach no-entry bookkeeping. They then move on to more abstract concepts like currency, and are made to understand the correlation between the fall of the Rupee and the rise of the Anna. There are also optional programs like a lab on tender management titled, “How to avoid making issues out of tissues” and seminars on thought-provoking topics like – If Gandhi said, “be the change you want to be”, why is his photo on a 500-rupee note?
Marketing: The first-year is dedicated to advertising and branding with a few explorations into cut-outs. By the end of this, students will be able to precisely decide the appropriate size of the photos of the PM, party chief, CM, etc. on any ad or poster, on an absolute as well as relative scale. In the second-year, we cover more advanced concepts like Brand Extensions, and demonstrate how a single name (Rajiv, just to pick a random example) can be used for everything from airports to stadiums to sea-links to welfare schemes. Students also acquire hands-on experience in P.R. with scintillating role-play exercises like “Stay silent for weeks on end” and “Denounce an orange tree for having RSS links”.
HR: As the name of this discipline suggests, students are gradually trained to stop looking at people as humans and start looking at them as resources. This is done through a combination of theoretical rationalization and practical exploitation. The course includes a field-trip during which a student has to enter a random house in a village and in the pretext of understanding them better, eat their dinner and commandeer their cot. Seamless succession planning is taught by visiting faculty from TN – A 6-day compulsory session in which complex issues are tackled. For example, “Who is more senior in the party? The leader’s wife’s brother? Or the leader’s daughter’s husband?”
Other disciplines: We believe all our students have a Right to Information Technology. So, everyone is given an iPad on joining (Yes! We dare to think beyond laptops). They are then taught how to create a Twitter account and it is deeply impressed upon them to change their passwords regularly. To take a random example – From sonia123 to rahul123 and then back again, the next month. There are other optional courses like Logistics, in which students apply analytical skills to tackle real-life problems. A typical project would be something like – How to transport 3 truckloads of alcoholic beverages to voters, and 4 truckloads of voters to a rally, within 6 hours, given only 2 trucks.
Sir Cawry Academy of Management believes that a well-rounded politician (who may or may not be called Nitin) needs to go beyond academics. We therefore encourage our students to participate in various games and societies. Some of which are:
a) Rushing the well – A team-building exercise in which students race each other to a pre-determined area while creating synchronized uproar.
b) Dodge ‘em – A simulation game in which sandals are thrown from all directions and the player has to avoid being hit.
c) Health & well-being Society – A study group that analyzes the symptoms of ailments like memory-loss.
d) Art appreciation – An exploration of the influences of statues on status.
Sir Cawry Academy boasts of a 100% placement record. The top students join national parties, while others are absorbed into various regional parties. Any student who misses out on these is take in by the communist party because they believe in people who are left.
In line with our quest to encourage youth in our country to join the political process, we have a highly streamlined application procedure. Interested candidates need to submit only two documents. One, a cheque for Rs.1,786 crores. (This can be post-dated by 7 years or till the date of the 5G auction, whichever comes earlier). And two, a slip of paper with the candidate’s family name. The candidate’s own name is optional. After all, the motto of Sir Cawry Academy of Management is “Aaj ka beta, kal ka neta”.