With Congress continuing to have congress with the public, BJP neither helping the Bharatiya Janata nor allowing anybody to Party, and thinking having left all leftist thinkers, the time seems ripe for a new formation.

In walks Narendra Modi in a spotless kurta-pajama and Lalit Modi in a spotted tie and his (only?) grey suit. There’s an eager silence as Lalit Modi unfolds a (thankfully) small piece of paper and reads from it…

I, Lalit Modi & he, Narendra Modi, have realized that we are India’s most capable administrators. We have, therefore, decided to launch a new political party – Modisattva. The party will work for peace, prosperity & high TRPs. I hereby declare the Modisattva party open. Any questions folks?

Reporter : Hi, I’m from the Pioneer, so I’ll ask the first question, heh heh. So, Mr. Modi, why have you decided to leave the BJP? And you Mr. Lalit Modi. Why are you leaving the IPL?

Narendra Modi : Well, for a party that calls itself right-wing, the BJP is getting too many things wrong. Our terrorism plank backfired. We tried Ram and got rammed. In fact, the elections results were such a joke that the party is now in splits. I believe it’s time to move on.

Lalit Modi : As for me, I’ve not really left the IPL. After all Mr. Narendra Modi here is Indian and he wants to be a Premier who’s in a League of his own. So it’s all the same thing. Basically, I’m a Commissioner. Where there is commission, there there is Modi.

R : Narendrabhai, isn’t Lalit Modi a strange choice of partner?

NM : Of course not. Gandhi said, “First the ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you’ve won.” Currently most people ridicule Lalit and fight me. So we’ve nearly won.

A reporter behind a veil (used to be a reporter behind a wail) : I’m Burqaah Dutt from SOB TV. How do you feel after riots resulted in so many deaths while you were CM? Will people ever feel safe under you?

NM (dismissively) : Please. The riots were just an isolated event.

LM : And my events were an absolute riot. Hehe.

NM : All these accusations are just media fabrications. When I run this country, I’ll ensure that people aren’t given wrong information about such happenings. As the people’s representative, I’ll ensure that there are no misprepresentations. All riots in the future will be scheduled so that they get maximum TV coverage. Everybody will get to see the truth unfold. We call it Prime Time Pogromming.

LM : Unscheduled riots will be rare. We shall have bunches of people armed with sticks in every city and village. They will break out into a menacing dance whenever there is a sign of any trouble. You could call them fearleaders. Now, that should help keep the peace.

Lalit Modi smugly steps out to smoke a quick strategy break.

R : Er… what about external threats?

NM : Tell me, once we devote enough attention to terrorizing our own people, why would terrorists even bother coming here? Like James Bond, they will decide to live and LeT die.

Burqaah Dutt leaves the room in tears and another reporter takes over.

R : This is Eugene from DNA. You said there would be prosperity along with peace. What steps do you propose to take towards this?

NM : We will have a two pronged strategy – Sops for the rich and credit for the poor. All industries will be given tax breaks, and subsidized land. Some people may call such a strategy an ana-crony-ism but I say – you can’t lather up the economy without some sop.

R : What about the poor people then? Won’t you be taking away their land?

NM : What do they need land for? I’ll give them money. Easy credit will be made available through a new financial institution called the Votebank of India. They can freely borrow and spend. And before every election, I’ll waive off the loans. In this way, I will be unwavering in my principles and waivering in my actions.

Lalit Modi returns, takes his place and surveys the gathering with a grin.

LM : We’ll thus have Citi moments of success as well as Village moments of success.

R : This is Mani from Economic Times. If you give sops to the industrialists and free credit to the poor, won’t the nation go broke? Owning a Mint doesn’t necessarily make money, as our rivals in HT found out. Where will the money for all this come from?

LM : Let me answer this one. Advertising is the key. We will raise money through sponsorships. Everything will be sponsored and branded. States, cities, mountains, rivers whatever. In any case, we keep making meaningless changes to the names of our cities. I say, let’s make it meaningful. So we’ll have Viagrajasthan, Zandu Balmbay, Raybangalore, Playwindhyas & Digjamuna. The map of India will look like Times Square. This is what I call ad-ministration. In rural areas, even people will be branded. Kissan, for instance, has evinced interest in branding every single farmer. After all, our constitution does talk about universal adult franchise.

R : This is Tara, from Society. What about social freedom. Do you plan to continue BJPs rather draconian policies on morality, censorship, etc.?

NM : Listen, you are all children of the state. And like any parent, the state wants to keep you innocent, obedient and compliant. I’m a pop who won’t let you paap. Liberty, Equality & Fraternity are all things of the past. We believe in Sobriety, Conformity & Paternity. Remember we are a Republic, not a Reprivate. So public opinion will rule over private preferences. And I represent the public. So my private thoughts become public policy, and my public pronouncements control private behaviour and… errr (confusedly), Lalit, do you want to add to this one…

LM : But not to worry, do what you like. All digressions will be punished only by fines. We call it the Cash for Sins scheme. Live it up, but pay up. This is our fine formula which we are currently er… refining.

R : I’m Chittaranjan Dash from Telegraph, so I’ll keep my question short. What about foreign policy?

NM : Look, as a country we were left-aligned, tried to get right-aligned, and pretended to be centre-aligned or in fact, non-aligned. Nothing has worked, so we will try out the only alignment remaining – justified. We’ll do what we want and justify it later. Truly out-of-the-box thinking. In a box setting.

R : This is E.V.R. Reddy from DC. As I’ve chronicled so far, you have promised sops for the rich, dole for the poor, private sponsorship of public property, and public control of private life. And all this with justification. Interesting. So how do you plan to promote this party?

NM : I will traverse the length and breadth of this country. I’ll reach the heights of oratory & plunge the depths of morality. Everywhere I’ll kindle public anger by ranting about the ills of the current government. In a sense, it’ll be series of rave parties. Which will be done in a Wrath Yatra.

LM : This Wrath Yatra, will be capsuled and telecast as a reality show – The MTV Modis. We will also extensively use the internet. With the number of bans we plan to impose, taking banners is quite easy for us. And like Ayodhya, we’ll also do a few site-captures. The funds for these will come from our corporate cronies, who will help us with our hoardings.

NM : That’s all for the time being folks. As you see, we have a dream. Of a country with fast-paced growth. Supported by sponsorship. Let me assure you, no stone will be left unthrown, in our quest for peace, prosperity & high-TRPs.

LM : Yes. You could say, our vision for India is 20-20.

Disclaimer – This post is entirely fictitious. It contains not a modi-cum of truth. But who knows. The two fictional gentlemen do share a common love for autocracy, intolerance & big business.

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Ramalinga Raju on Trial, Shivraj Patil & Sardar Patel, Manmohan Singh calling Customer Service, and Ramadoss meeting Devadoss.

Public Prosecutor (gravely courteous) : Would you prefer to remain standing or would you rather sit down?

Ramalinga Raju : Oh, I’ll sit down. This might be a witness stand, but I am a chairman. Heehee.

PP : You have been accused of serious corporate fraud. Do you plead guilty or not guilty.

RR : Actually, I am golti. But, to answer your question, not guilty.

A startled gasp runs through the courtroom.

PP : Not guilty??? Do you actually deny that you falsified the books to show inflated results?

RR : No. No. I admit to that. What I mean to say is that, there was no intention to defraud. I was merely running my company along Web 2.0 lines. Including the accounting. You could call it Accounting 2.0.

PP (looking a bit out of his depth) : Er…. Could you elaborate.

RR : You see, the buzz-phrase these days is the social web. Where the power of crowds is used to create and refine content. That is Web 2.0. So, with my Accounting 2.0, I was being social, not anti-social.

PP (sarcastically) : Thanks for the tutorial. But what does this have to do with Satyam?

RR : My company had enough of writing programs, providing services and shopping bodies. So I decided to move with the times.

PP : And how exactly is declaring false revenues, “moving with the times”?

RR : In the early part of my life, I had been a hard-working entrepreneur who used to slog to get revenues. But I decided to have an easier, better SecondLife. So my revenues were just an experiment in Virtual Reality.

PP : Hmm, interesting. And does that justify cooking the books?

RR : Well, I did cook them in such a way that they were deli.co.us. And people were ready to Digg in. As long as my books are popular, who cares if some critics like SEBI object. In fact, the Satyam books were bestsellers in the fiction section of Amazon. You could call it Long Tale Economics.

PP : But your balance sheet was blatantly false.

RR (dreamily) : What is true? What is false? That is so 1.0. In today’s world, truth is what the crowd says it is. Constantly shifting but eternally true. My books, you see, were a Wiki.

PP (thunders) : Sir, I think you are just hiding behind a façade of self righteous philosophy. Didn’t you effectively loot the public?

RR : Sure I did. In fact, I’m proud to say that I’m a Flickr.

PP : You know, just for that admission, I can throw the book at you.

RR : And I will face it. I have spent a lot of time in Facebook. Look, you can’t do much to me. I have a great social network. My status has been constantly updated. Higher and higher.

PP : But if you were held in such high regard, why get into this mess?

RR : Well, people were always poking me. So I decided to poke them all back.

PP : All this is fine. What I don’t understand is how your auditors never caught on.

RR (mockingly) : What, that PWC crowd? I knew they wouldn’t StumbleUpon anything. They are just a bunch of Tweets.

The crowd twitters in mirth.

PP : So do you really expect to get away in spite of all that you have done.

RR : Oh No. The health minister can have me banned because with all this 2.0 stuff, I have spread a social disease. Everybody in this room has it. It’s called SIFYlis.

Pandemonium breaks out in the courtroom. The judge bangs his gavel for order. Case adjourned. The spectators quietly disperse avoiding contact with one another.

Disclaimer : All characters in this trial are as fictitious as Satyam’s profits.
References : Second Life, Deli.co.us, Digg, StumbleUpon, Flickr, Wikipedia, Facebook & Twitter are all up there leading the Web 2.0 revolution.
Update : I’ve subsequently found out that Satyam exited SIFY a few years back. So I guess I shouldn’t have dragged SIFY into this article. But then, if you really look at it, I shouldn’t have dragged all the other companies in either.

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Lalit Modi & Narendra Modi,  Shivraj Patil & Sardar Patel, Manmohan Singh calling Customer Service, and Ramadoss meeting Devadoss.

Suddenly there is a flash, and there appears in front of him a bald man with a Ferrous expression. Shivraj notices that the apparition is clad in crude, homespun clothes which are disturbingly crumpled.

Shivraj Patil (raising his eyebrows) : And who might you be oh ill-dressed man?

Vallabhai Patel (sonorously) : I am the spirit of Sardar Patel. The first home minister of independent India. I have come to rebuke you on your terrible performance in the same role.

SP : Fiddledeedee. You are talking through your hat. I have comported myself with dignity, decorum and dandiness. I was a much better home-minister than you ever were.

VP (aghast) : What?! I’ll have you know sir, that I united the country.

SP : Yeah yeah. So did I. Read the papers. Watch TV. Every single person has called for my resignation. Isn’t that true unity?

VP : Well, …er… but people adored me. I was called the Iron Man of India.

SP : Teehee, I too am an Iron man. Check the crisp crease that I have achieved on my sleeve.

VP : C’mon, you know what I mean. Where would Junagadh & Hyderabad be without me?

SP : And where would Gwalior be without me. And er… Raymonds & Vimal.

VP : You know the problem with you? You’re pathetic in a crisis. Why did you reach Cama Hospital so late, that the terrorists got impatient and left?

SP (shiftily) : Oh, I had ..um.. pressing… matters to attend to. Some details had to be.. ah.. ironed out. I had to consult the rest of my wardrobe.. I mean cabinet. So I was a bit delayed.

VP : Seriously, can you tell me, why do you have this obsession with clothes?

SP : Look. Gandhi said something like, “Be the change that you want to see.” I just follow his advice. Sometimes thrice in one hour. Especially if there is some mudslinging going on.

VP : Ok. Ok. Leave your clothes aside. Why didn’t you carry out Mohammad Afzal’s execution?

SP : Like you, I was waiting for instructions from a Gandhi. They screamed, “Hang him.” I said, “Hang on.” (which incidentally is an anagram of Sonia Gandhi)

VP : Leave Afzal. What about all the other terrorists? Why are you so soft on them?

SP (indignantly) : Who said that I was soft on them? Soon after taking up office, I announced that I was ready for meaningful intercourse with the terrorists. Which is just a dignified way of saying that I will f… you know what I mean… like have Congress with them. (Shakes his head) I’m a much misunderstood man.

VP : Oh spare me your tears. I shudder to think that you nearly became the President of India.

SP (wistfully) : Ah. A ceremonial job. I’d have been good at that. Such jobs really appeal to my pansy.

VP : Oh I’ve had enough of your inanities. Obviously I was the better home minister.

SP : Excuse me. Let’s sort this out once and for all. I’m the best home minister India ever had. Simply because, I ensured that people stayed at home. You see, they were too scared to step out. “Home” minister. Get it. Teeheehee (prods Patel). So, go rust in peace, oh iron man.

Sardar Patel is crestfallen. He vanishes in a puff of smoke. Shivraj looks around nervously, in case Ramadoss got a whiff of the puff, and carries on walking. Whistling “Hurry Home Hurry.”

Disclaimer : The ghost of Sardar Patel is as fictional as superman, spiderman and Shivraj’s spine.
Additional Reading : A list of Patil’s gaffes (Economic Times).

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Lalit Modi & Narendra Modi, Ramalinga Raju on Trial, Manmohan Singh calling Customer Service, and Ramadoss meeting Devadoss.

Tring tring.

Husky Female Voice : Thank you for calling Vodafone. If you want to continue in English press 1. Hindi mein jaankari ke liye 2 dabaeeye. Woof bow wow bark woof 3 bow-wow.

Manmohan presses 1.

HFV : If you are an existing subscriber press 1…(and so on and on and on)

After pressing more buttons than a liftman in the Empire State Building, Manmohan finally gets through to a customer service officer.

CSO (in the tone of a waiter in an Udipi restaurant rattling off the menu) : Thank-you-for-calling-Vodafone-this-is-Rakesh-here-how-may-I-help-you?

Manmohan Singh : Namaste. This is Manmohan Singh, the prime minister of India.

CSO : Yeah sure. And this is the dog from our TVC.

MS : Please don’t be pugnacious. I really am Manmohan Singh.

CSO (skeptically) : Er…is that so? In that case, you will have to answer a secret question to verify your identity.

MS : Go ahead.

CSO : What colour is your favourite turban?

MS : Light Blue.

CSO (startled) : Ofwwrwgf. You are Manmohan Singh. How may I help you sir?

MS : You see, I have some technical doubts regarding my phone. I checked with my Minister for Technology – Kapil Sibal. But he was busy allocating spectrum. He tells me Reliance is going to be given violet and Tata gets indigo. Anyway, coming back to the issue, I would like a tech person to visit me and configure my phone for me.

CSO : Sure sir. Happy to help. Could you tell me what you need? So that I can brief the technician.

Sure. Firstly, I am getting very confused with all the ministers’ names. You see, I have 78 ministers. 30 of them are in my cabinet (which of course, leaves room for nothing but one spare blue turban).  To make my life easier, I want to store their names as nicknames.

CSO : That can be done sir. Why nicknames?

MS : It’s easier to remember them that way. I want Lalu stored as “fodder of the nation”, Arjun Singh as “reservation counter”, Ramadoss as “banned-it king” and so on.

CSO : Can be done. Er…sorry for overstepping my bounds sir. I know I’m just a mere citizen, but why do you keep so many of these people? Why, for instance, do you need Kamal Nath.

MS : Why not, I say. He follows customs. He does his duty. That’s what commerce needs.

CSO : Er… Shivraj Patil?

MS (indignantly) : Please!!! After seeing how Obama won, I am convinced that we need Shivraj. He represents the change platform. Moreover, as home minister, he has redressed every grievance.

CSO : er… I see. Sharad…?

MS : Oh, that Pawar hungry fellow. I don’t really need him. I put him in agriculture only so that our cricket team will do better. You would notice that these days, our players dig themselves in and plough through the opposition. In fact we will be top seeds in the next world cup. All this is because Sharad is the agriculture minister. Imagine what would happen if I gave him fisheries.

CSO : But what about the farmers?

MS : Aw. They are just a confused crop. They drink pesticide and spray Coca-Cola on their plants. Coming back to my problems… I would also like to upgrade from 2G to 3G.

CSO : 3G hasn’t been launched yet sir. Why the hurry?

MS : Oh, no real hurry. So far, 2G was enough. I had only Sonia-ji & Rahul-ji to call. But I heard Priyanka-ji may enter politics. So I just want to be prepared.

CSO : Umm. Noted sir. Anything else?

MS : Yes, yes. I would also like to have different ringback tones for different people. When Prakash Karat calls, I want him to hear “cheeni kum”. It’s good advice for him. Heh Heh. Amar Singh should hear “naach meri bull bull, tujhe paisa milega.” And so on.

CSO : Sure sir. And if Sonia calls…

MS : “Maa tujhe salaam.” And oh, before I forget, I want roaming activated.

CSO (surprised) : You still don’t have roaming sir?

MS (a bit apologetically) : Well, you know, roam wasn’t built in a day. In fact, I’m not a-loan in waivering on this. Chidambaram also doesn’t have roaming. You see, it’s not in our common minimum programme. So whenever I tried to get the facility, the left told me it wasn’t right. I used to think that I could manage without roaming because BSNL had installed a phone in Air India One. But I found out only last week that it was a landline. And silly me, I thought it never worked during flights because it had no air-time.

CSO : We’ll set it up right away sir. Anything else?

MS : Yes. Er… could your technician also teach me how to put the phone in silent mode. You see, the Indian parliament is the best that money can buy. So with all the buying and selling these days, I get calls non-stop. Not just from the MPs but their vassals also. And you know, the MP vassal makes the greatest sound. Heh Heh.

CSO : Of course. Of course. Thank you for calling sir. I’ll send the technician over. Where exactly do you stay.

MS (exasperated) : Obviously Race Course Road. The best address for horse-trading.

CSO : Sure sir. Thank-you-for-calling-vodafone-have-a-nice-day.

Disclaimer : The above conversation didn’t really take place. It is completely phone-y.
References : If you don’t follow Indian politics, this post will make no sense to you (please note that this statement does not imply that this post will make sense if you do follow Indian politics). In that case, do mention it in your comments and I will add the necessary links.

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Lalit Modi & Narendra Modi, Ramalinga Raju on Trial, Shivraj Patil & Sardar Patel, and Ramadoss meeting Devadoss.

Devadoss : Hey, who are you? Where’s Chandramukhi?

Ramadoss (graciously) : Good evening. I am Anbumani Ramadoss. Anbu means love in Tamil. So when I heard that this place gives anbu for money, I realized it’s the right place for Anbumani. Hehehe. Incidentally I’ll be your host for the evening.

D : You???? But this is a pleasure palace. It’s a Khota.

R : Not anymore. We have changed the classification of this place from khota to quota. Therefore I have control over it. And believe me, I am going to make this a model institution. With noble AIIMS.

D : Er, how?

R (accusingly) : By sanitizing you. Just look at you. Riddled with vice. You drink, you smoke, you love. And society has to bear the cost. People like you are a parasite on society. And believe me, as host, I know all about parasites.

D : Parasite???

R (patronizingly) : Yes. You belong to society. Your labour belongs to society. You are supposed to work and pay taxes. Not waste your time wooing women. You are supposed to be productive, not reproductive.

D : But I am too sad to work. Ever since my girlfriend left me, my life has declined in every parometer. (No pun intended. It’s just his Bong accent)

R : Shame on you. Don’t you know that love is bad for health. It generates an excess of hormones, pheromones and ecstatic moans. In fact, we have already banned it in all public places. Heh Heh. Ramadoss what others can’t.

D : Oh forget Paro, can I have Chandramukhi? At least that is pure lust. There’s no love involved.

R : Sorry. No unhealthy exchange of fluids. Especially on a commercial basis. We cannot allow people to sell their bodies. It’s indecent, immoral and untaxable.

D : Er… what exactly am I to do for…. you know… my physical needs?

R (conspiratorially) : Well if you want to do some naughty things with Chunnibabu, I can help you there. After all, the more gay you are, the less sad you’ll be.

D : No thank you. Lemme just puff a few melancholy drags on my hookah.

R : Hey, do you ever read the newspapers? Don’t you know that smoking is also banned. Especially by someone like you who is a fictional character in Bollywood.

D : No hookers and no hookahs??? What am I supposed to do here?

R : Why are you asking me? Do whatever. Just don’t break any law.

D : Okay. Okay. Cool it. Can Chandramukhi at least dance for me?

R (a bit apologetically) : Er… I don’t know how to break this to you but that is also banned. Not by me though. I think dancing is good exercise but some of my mates felt that it would take us back to the dark ages of Khajuraho & Kamasutra. However, if you do want to do a quick Salsa with Chunnibabu…

D : …No. No. Anything but that. Some music?

R (triumphantly) : Banned. In fact that was easy. They wanted music bands. We just banned music instead.

D : C’mon man. Why do you call yourself host? Will you at least pour me a glass of wine.

R : Sorry. Alcohol is bad for society. I don’t want to see anyone in front of bars. Only behind them. You’ll just have to gin & beer it… er… I mean grin & bear it.

D : Listen, if I can’t get a woman, a smoke, some dance, music or even wine, how exactly do I drown my sorrows.

R : Well, I’ve only banned wine. You are allowed to whine. All you want.

D : Aaaaargh. I’m out of here.

R : Aww. Go to health.

Disclaimer : All the above characters are fictitious and any resemblance to any other fictitious characters and union ministers is entirely coincidental.
Reference : If you have no clue who Devadoss is, you can read about the character he coincidentally resembles here

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Lalit Modi & Narendra Modi, Ramalinga Raju on Trial, Shivraj Patil & Sardar Patel, and Manmohan Singh calling Customer Service.