January

John Lennon once told us to imagine a world without boundaries. Dravid & Gambhir just gave us a brief glimpse of it.

Any chance of Rahul Gandhi entering the cabinet? Isn’t it time Sonia did some beta testing?

Maybe Yeddy could be sent to Kashmir. In a few years, all the land will belong to his family, and all problems will be solved.

The Republic Day parade should have a CBI tableau. Perhaps, a truck filled with clean chits.

Government of Egypt blocks all internet access. The country can now be renamed gypt.

February

Egypt should be divided. One-third to Mubarak. One-third to the protestors. And one-third to Nirmohi Akhara.

If you look at our recent captains, perhaps Sourav gave us a spine, Kumble gave us a heart, and Dhoni gave us balls.

Kasab to be counted in the census. Our govt has obviously misunderstood the term – “counter terrorism”.

Business Idea: Facebook Holidays. Where you don’t really go anywhere but we create lots of photos for you to share.

100 phones tapped each day per operator. Finally we have a government that listens to us.

Vote for Baba Ramdev. He’ll be the PM who can help you make your ends meet. Your head and toe, that is.

March

Mayawati, Jayalalitha & Mamata should now form an alliance. They can call it Behenji-Amma-Didi. Or BAD, for short.

Kalmadi’s aide is in jail. Raja’s aide is dead. Satish sharma denies ever having an aide. India seems quite serious about eradicating aides.

Police Manual: if it’s one guy, take a bribe. If it’s a couple, harass. If it’s a bunch of people, lathi charge. If it’s a mob, disappear.

Sachin’s father must be getting a bit irritated now. Every bastman looks up towards him after a century.

Yuvraj has a major Oedipus complex. He just doesn’t let go of MoM

According to Census 2011, there are 940 females for every 1000 males in India. Those 60 unfortunate men join the Ram Sene, i guess.

April

I think the best way to get things done in India from now on is to say, “Do it for Sachin”. Eg. Could you fill this pothole? For Sachin.

Dear Baba Ramdev, we can’t ban 1000 & 500 rupee notes. We are a secular country. So we need to respect all denominations.

Some days, Digvijay Singh makes no sense. Other days, he is silent.

Hello Suresh-ji. | Namaste Raja-ji. | What are you here for ji? | CWG. And you ji? | 2G | Okay-ji.

Two weapons against corruption: Lokpal and Chappal.

A documentary on Air India’s planes – Saare Zameen Par.

May

I really don’t understand why people consider alcohol to be a problem. Chemically speaking, it’s a solution.

Since 1977, West Bengal has been crawling along at approximately 0.00000000001 kmph. They’ve just covered 3 CMs in 34 years.

June

Once P&G buys Unilever, the unified entity can be called Procter and Gamble and Lever. Abbreviated to PaGaL.

Gandhi would have been a great bowler. He could do spin as well as fast.

Hmm… Anna,… Baba. Good alphabetical start. I predict that the next fast will be by Chacha Chaudhary.

Baba Ramdev is going to create an army with a headcount of 11,000. Or a leg-count of 22,000. Depending on which side is up.

I think Jaya should become a BJP ally. She’ll get along with Sushma. Also with Hema & Rekha. Sabki pasand Nirma.

Three generations of Bachchans – BigB, WannaB, and now BayB.

25-paise coins to go off circulation from Jun 30. The govt feels they can’t handle one Anna, so there’s no need for four.

July

Every night families in rural U.P. must be shuddering in anticipation of Rahul Gandhi piling on to their dinner and whacking their charpai.

I think Manmohan should get VVS Laxman into the cabinet. The UPA is in major trouble in its second innings.

August

After 8² years of independence, most Indians can’t afford 3² meals a day. But try protesting. And section 12² will be imposed.

Kalmadi: So what are you here for? | Anna: Jan Lokpal bill. And you? | Kalmadi: Er… video bill, sponsorship bill, catering bill, etc.

Karunanidhi should put out a statement – What do you mean Tihar is filled with DMK? As of today it contains Anna, DMK.

India has a very Twitter friendly bowling attack. No one crosses 140.

Maybe Om Puri just thought that ganwaar was the short form of ganwaarnment.

All MPs to get iPads. Awesome. As Om Puri would say, from anPad to iPad in 3 days.

September

“N>ass>er” has a straight “ass” in it, while “Hu<ssa<in” has a reverse one. #JustSaying

Hidden somewhere in Sharad Pawar’s asset declaration form is a small line in 6pt italics – *all figures in Rs. ’000.

It’s been a pretty decent tour for india. We beat three teams – Sussex, Kent & Leicestershire. And lost to only one – England.

The word “Engineer” is derived from “Anjaneyar” (or Hanuman), who built a bridge and didn’t hang around with girls. #itallhappenedinindia

Twitter: What’s happening. FB: Who’s happening. LinkedIn: I’m happening. Orkut: Happen with me. Google+: Why is nothing happening?

Modi’s to-do list – Saturday: Peace ☑. Sunday: Unity ☑. Monday: Harmony ☐. Tuesday: Unlimited Thali ☐.

From now on NaMo shall be written as namo. Why? Because Modi doesn’t like CAPS.

October

Bangalore may have a nice past. And a great future. But there’s no current.

India: ♫ Home shanti home, shanti, shanti home. ♫ | England: ♬ Main tho away away away away lut gaya. ♬

Infosys: More profits means great quarter. | UB: More quarters means great profit.

BJP guy gives 500 rupee notes to journalists for +ve Rath Yatra coverage. He must have heard that a good reporter always takes notes.

A woman saw her husband stepping into the path of a speeding car. “Car. Watch out,” she screamed. He lived, & we celebrate Karva Chauth.

November

It’s VVS Laxman’s birthday today. Much celebration all over India. 2-minute silence in Australia.

Anna Hazare breaks vow of silence. So Manmohan Singh wins this one.

A bigtime Eid Mubarak to all. Except of course, goats. Who tend to look at EID backwards.

Why was Cyrus Mistry chosen over Noel Tata? Well, that’s the subject for a Mistry Noel.

Maybe Walmart should quietly slime in after indianizing their name to Agarwalmart.

December

Must see The Dirty picture. Silk Smitha. Nylex Nalini. Polyester Padmini. They are the ones who formed the er… fabric of our society.

Okay everyone. Stop what you’re doing and get ready for 13/12/11 10:09. The Madhuri Dixit in reverse moment.

Think of the tiger. Think of hockey. Now you get it? The real problem with the rupee is that it is the national currency of India.

PM says India and China are good friends. Of course we are. We have so much in common. Like Arunachal Pradesh.

Anna is now in Chennai. And pleasantly surprised that everything in that city is named after him.

What? Russia has banned the Gita? We should immediately retaliate by banning “Problems in General Physics” by Irodov.

Looks like this democracy is a very flawed system. Good thing we don’t have it.

You can follow me on Twitter – @rameshsrivats or Facebook – rameshsrivats. All my tweets can also be found on Short Puts.

Disclaimer: Dear Kapil Sibal, my account was hacked.

Part 1 was a selection of tweets that pertained to actual events that happened in 2010. While this post is a selection (with no real standards) of my general views on things, neatly segregated into topics. So you could say that Part 1 comprised my topical tweets organized by time. While Part 2 has my er… timely tweets organized by topic.

Here they are. And as we say in Rome – Caveat Lector.

On media : Who are supposed to be the watchdogs of democracy, but have unfortunately misplaced the watch.

Now that they’ve launched the Crest Edition, the rest of TOI can focus on the trough.

Newspapers have columns, while TV channels have rows.

Every issue has a poll from Barkha, a debate from Arnab, a theory from Rajdeep and of course, a solution from C-Bag.

TV news is weighed down by its anchors.

When entertainment channels start showing reality shows, news channels have to move to fiction, no?

Barkha Dutt came out so strongly against raw news that I’ve started wondering if all NDTV news is cooked-up.

Arnab & Rajdeep will make a fantastic pair. Arnab never lets anyone complete a sentence, while no sentence of Rajdeep is worth completing.

And more on Arnab. You can love him or hate him. But you just can’t interrupt him.

Some people are born Arnab. Some people achieve arnabdom. But most people have Arnab thrust upon them.

Rajinikant once completed a sentence in an Arnab interview.

I wish it had been Arnab instead of Moses on Mt. Sinai. He wouldn’t have allowed God to go beyond one commandment.

On cricket : Where our players topped the ranking, while BCCI continued to top the banking.

Dear BCCI, how can cricket be a cash cow if it doesn’t have UDRS?

The problem with BCCI is that it focusses on “Board of Control” more than “Cricket in India”.

India has now played more ODIs than any other team. As per Bharatiyaar’s advice – ODI vilayadu papa.

Not taking wickets is a cultural thing. In India you don’t dismiss anybody. You just transfer them.

In the Nepali cricket team, every player can be the nightwatchman.

Knock knock | Who’s there? | Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanka Welegedara | Okay, come in one by one.

The last time Ponting showed some form was at the Indian immigration counter.

On Indian players. In batting order (for no reason)

When Sachin bats, there’s “noise in stadium”. i.e. “din in game”. An anagram of “Indian Gem”. Which translates to “Bharat Ratna”. QED.

#tamil Sehwag really lives up to his name. Viru virunu varuvan. Viru virunu adippan. Viru virunu povan.

Rahul Dravid will make a lousy Cinderella. He would just let the ball go.

Most of Laxman’s big partnerships have been with the wall or with the vaal. #tamil

The feeling you get when you see a guy underperform yet again – Jadeja Vu

Dhoni is always ready to help creatures on the verge of extinction. Tigers. And before that Ravindra Jadeja.

It’s a good thing Anil Kumble got a circle named after him. That’s the one place he regularly gets turn.

One must admire Harbhajan’s honesty. He clearly declares that he is off spin.

On Bollywood : Which suffered from a big credit squeeze, that was subsequently passed on to Chetan Bhagat

Release of Rann postponed. Looks like RGV is worried it’ll turn out to be another also-Rann.

Things not looking good for ‘My name is Khan’. You see, it’s an anagram of ‘sank in mayhem’.

The next time my car breaks down, I’m going to call Amitabh Bachchan. I heard he is everybody’s ambassador.

Be very careful when you go to see Raavan. If the ticket price is shown as Rs.200 per head, you may have to pay Rs.2,000.

Raavan seems to suggest that Sita failed the agni pariksha. And became Ash.

And while on Raavan, do you know that Vaali & Sugreeva made the same film thousands of years back. It was a Vaanar Brothers production.

On politics : Where we saw much drama and great comedy. But hardly any action.

Parliament is the place where badly-behaved people have an unruly discussion about what they saw on TV yesterday.

Parliament is a laws-making PSU.

If the govt. takes over google, “I’m feeling lucky” will be replaced by “Do you know who my father is?”

India doesn’t practice democracy. We practice elected aristocracy.

People join politics for public goods.

When a politician says “the buck stops here”, what exactly does he mean?

If “buck” is responsibility, then he’s a good guy. If “buck” is money, then he’s a bad guy. If “buck” is a deer, then he’s Salmaan Khan.

On society : Where we have thought police, moral police, culture police; every kind of police except police police.

I propose that the national song of India be changed to Bandh-e-Mataram.

Corny slogan suggestion : Say nah to the Sena.

Did you know that “it’s Bal Thackeray” is an anagram of “He balatkars city”?

MNS is a mns to society.

MNS demands that flights out of Mumbai should not use Bernoulli’s Principle. They should use Abhyankar’s Conjecture instead.

These violent “nationalists” are a real pain in the RSS.

The RSS is India’s most accessible party. Wherever you may be, they are just a stone’s throw away.

Pramod Muthalik is a champion of fundamental riots.

Just figured out why Pramod Muthalik sent goons to bit up youngsters in the Mangalore pub – His name anagrams to “thump amoral kid”.

The Ramayana had a subliminal message that the Ram Sene pounced on – if you Luv, you won’t be Kush. And vice-versa.

In Haryana – Thrashes to thrashes, lust to lust. If the khaps don’t get you, the cops must.

An optimistic Jat is one who sees that his Khap is half full.

What to tell a cop when he is kicking you out of a pub at 11.30 p.m. : Pitcher abhi baaki hai mere dost. Pitcher abhi baki hai.

General Stuff : The cracks that fell into the cracks

If all the potholes in NH-13 were laid side by side, it would still look exactly like NH-13.

I’ll never run a marathon. In the long run, I’ll be dead.

John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ is completely out-of-date. It says nothing about telemarketers.

This 72 virgins business is an obvious sham. Paradise is actually the place where you get a great Biryani. #hyderabad

Warning : Do not believe this Axe Effect nonsense. A guy called Parashurama tried it centuries back and remained a bachelor all his life.

That’s that folks. I promise you, there’s no Part 3. You could, however, follow me on twitter. And do try Short Puts which is the archive of most of my tweets, with the added bonus of a new color scheme every time you refresh the page.

Disclaimer : Any offence given to any religion, state, nation, sex, profession, sect, caste, family, person, belief or delusion is entirely regretted. In other words, don’t beat me up, I’m a coward.

This was the year in which Kalmadi made a killing, Assange did some spilling, CBI kept grilling, while Manmohan was just chilling.

The year in which Sachin kept scoring, and er.., so did Nityananda.

Many things happened. Lalit Modi was deposed, Yana Gupta was exposed, Rahman composed, while as usual, Deve Gowda reposed.

So here’s the year the way I saw it. On Twitter.

January

Jyoti basu dies at 11.47 a.m., yet again almost making it to P.M.

UPSC increases civil services intake from 580 to 965. Ouch. 385 more bureaucrats each year. A real Babulation Explosion.

Kerala gets 3G services. Now they can call themselves “GGGods own country”.

February

Kishenji announces his phone number : 9734695789 . Now we don’t need the army to fight him. ICICI will finish him off.

Lok Sabha meets. Noise. Confusion. Lok Sabha adjourns. It’s time we rename our parliament the Joke Sabha.

India says no to Bt brinjal. An auberginity lost?

March

Eyjafjallajokull causes much dust, grime, trouble & laughter.

Everybody in India is laughing at the name – Eyjafjallajokull. From Udhagamandalam, to Thiruvananthapuram.

What’s common to Iceland & Abhishek? Both are wondering what to do with ash.

Sania Mirza announces that she’s going to marry Shoaib Malik

Thank God, Sania doesn’t have to do 7 pheras with Shoaib. She’ll never get past the first round.

Anagram of “Sania has a Malik” – “Asli aman ki asha”.

April

ND Tiwari may have to take DNA test. Ha. So far for him, a double-helix was just an interesting position in bed.

Sachin Tendulkar’s birthday today? Let’s celebrate it as runmashtami.

The good thing is that Sachin has turned 37. Which means, for the next 365 days, he will be in his prime.

IPL-3 happens with much glitz, glamour & goris.

Definite Punjab victory over Mumbai today. Mumbai may have the X-factor in Sachin. But Yuvi gives Punjab the XXL-factor.

Matthew Hayden to change his name to Matthew_Hayden. After all he is a chronic under-scorer.

If Vijay Mallya had his way, after the quarter-finals, IPL would have the half-finals & full-final.

And the post-IPL party starts.

If an aquarium can have water and a planetarium, planets, why can’t a consortium have a consort?

Tharoor to Sunanda on Orkut – “will you make fraaaanchise with me?”

Forget floccinaucinihilipilification. The new longest non-technical word will be foxyproxyiniplleadstovilification.

BJP, RJD & BSP want JPC probe into IPL so that NCP will get caught & UPA will be in trouble. Acronymous scenes in parliament.

May

If India were a gym, Delhi would be the sauna, Chennai, the steam-room & Bangalore, the a/c reception. Mumbai will be the pool in 2 months.

Facebook banned in Pakistan? Maybe someone should tell them that “poke” has nothing to do with pigs.

Punjab farmer bids Rs.10L for Car Regn. No. CH01AC0001. What prosperity. CH01AC001 De India.

Kasab gets sentenced

Like all sentences, Kasab’s too ends in a full stop.

If he’s sentenced to death, Kasab will be 51st in the queue. “Capital” punishment just means your file is stuck in Delhi.

Subhash Ghai was ahead of his times. He introduced 4G in 1989. A-G, oh-G, lo-G suno-G.

June

FIFA World Cup provides a lot of kicks

I don’t think Mexico will make any attempt at the Argentinian goal. A Mexican can’t take a shot without salt and lemon.

I think Italy should be allowed to have an extra player on the field. After all, Azzurri usually comprises 12 people.

The feeling of having heard a damn irritating noise before – Deja Vu-vuzela

On the offside, first there is God, then there is Ganguly. And then sometimes Argentina.

If India had qualified for the World Cup, Chetan Bhagat would have been goalie & Mamata the forward. He can block, she can strike.

Germany, Uruguay, Netherlands & Spain. So the big G.U.N.S. have made it to the semis.

TN may free 500 convicts to mark Tamil conference. Why, may i know? Did classical Tamil have shorter sentences?

Ahmedabad to celebrate World Blood Donation day. Hopefully, this time around, they’ll keep it voluntary.

July

Bopanna & Qureshi to play tennis match with Wagah border as the net. Thereby showing that there are faults on both sides.

CWG fun begins

Now I understand why the CWG mascot is called Shera. They want a Shera this, a Shera that, and a Shera everything that makes money.

New HR rating scheme- 5: Exceeds Expectations, 4: Meets Expectations, 3: Average, 2: Needs Improvement, 1: Kalmadi.

Suresh Kalmadi plans to give us the Common & the Games. The rest, he’ll keep.

So Amit Shah is behind the Sohrabuddin fake encounter uh? Makes sense. His name is, after all, an anagram of “a sham hit”.

August

Manmohan becomes third PM to hoist flag at Red Fort for 7th time. Sigh. So many hoisters, so few pearls.

If life gives you lemons, be very happy. They’re now Rs.100 per kg.

I’d like to start a paper factory that supplies clean chits to the CBI. Big business potential.

Congress to have elections to decide its President. Ha. That’s like Robinson Crusoe conducting interviews to select his assistant.

It’s a great day for our planet. All the top places in Miss Universe are bagged by earthlings.

Spot-fixing controversy hits Pakistan cricket

Pakistan is the world champion in book cricket.

There’s actually a website that does nothing but spot-fixing. It’s called Foursquare.

September

CWG action continues

Finally some positive news about the CWG – 5 athletes test positive for dope.

1.6 million meals to be served during CWG. Oh. No wonder they have created such a big mess.

Delhi gets hit by Dengue.

What Delhi needs is some Ram Sene folks. They won’t let the mosquitoes breed till they get married.

I propose that we make mosquitoes our national insect. Then the government will try to protect them and they’ll become extinct.

Kasab case drags on

Sentenced terrorists have a good time in india – They are footloose and phaansi free.

UID launched. The first person gets an aadhar number. The second gets anaadhar number. And so on.

I guess, in Jalandhar, people will soon be bidding lakhs of rupees for a premium UID number.

Ayodhya verdict happens. Seems to be on the basis of Share-ya law.

This Ayodhya issue is quite complex. Hindus want a temple, Muslims want a mosque, while Mayawati actually wants a statue.

Off to Google Maps to mark Nungambakkam as Rameshjanmabhoomi so that there’s no confusion in 5510AD.

Raymonds wants to sponsor the Ayodhya verdict, because it turned out to be a 3-piece suit.

October

Obama’s goal seems to be to see as much of India and as little of Indians as possible.

In TN, a million more TV sets will be distributed. Our whole country seems to be in an alms race.

Advice to Arundhati Roy : if at first you don’t secede, cry, cry, cry again.

Mukesh Ambani is not the first to stay in Antilla. Centuries back, Valmiki used to hang out in one.

November

The more the number of Diwali sweets in your house, the faster they get spoilt. : Burfi’s Law.

Raja scam explodes

A. Raja is living proof that there is a pot of gold at the end of the spectrum.

In India, scams have an alarming frequency. And now, with Raja, frequencies have an alarming scam.

Dear Manmohan Singh, it would be apt if you could sack our telecom minister using radio language : Raja. Over and out.

Manmohan Singh continues to do nothing about anything

Manmohan Singh’s Third Law of Motion : Every action has an equal and opposite inaction.

One day there will be a movie made about Manmohan Singh. And the director will go, “Lights. Camera. Inaction.”

Manmohan Singh’s personal integrity is unquestionable. Mostly because he never attends question hour.

Yeddy allots land to his children

My name is Yeddy. I’m a great father, a cool deddy. Politics has been bleddy, but be happy that I am steddy. ‘Cos else you’ll be stuck with Reddy.

The nation finds out that Radia : Government :: Sonia : Manmohan

Q : How do you fit 1000 media people in a hotel? A : 998 in 499 double rooms. And Barkha & Sanghvi in the lobby.

There was a lady, Radia. Whose contacts could fill stadia. But to get stuff done, she’d trust no one, except the helpful media.

December

Wikileaks threatens national security, or rather politicians’ security

I came. I saw. No one was around. So i took a leak. – Veni Vidi Wiki.

TIME had a difficult choice for Person of the Year. Assange, who attacked governments’ privacy. Or Zuckerberg, who went after people’s.

No no. You have to wear a condom. A red ribbon does not prevent AIDS.

Sarkozy is a VIP Frenchie, right?

Sarkozy to Bruni on Orkut – Shall we be France?

To protect against hacking, DRDO instructs all government officials to change their password from sonia123.

MMS & team are busy blowing balloons for Sonia’s birthday. They’ve told their staff that they’re tackling inflation.

Diggy on the railway, taking some calls. Along came an Injun & broke Diggy’s balls. “Eey,” said Diggy, in a squeak. “Ha,” said the Injun, “now no more leaks.”

Many bills were passed in the parliament session. Travel bills, food bills, etc.

We should also screw China by issuing visas that are attached by mere gem-clips.

There was this guy called Manian. Very very fond of onion. He ate ‘em till it hurt. So he lost his shirt. Now he roams in a chaddi & banian.

More stuff in Part 2. And yes, you can follow me on Twitter here. And if you have as much of a life as I do, you could read the rest of the stuff, on Short Puts.

The nice folks at Outlook wanted me to write an article on how the landscape of “professions” has been changing in India. And they said they would pay me per word. You might notice that I’ve already ripped them off with this 48-word introduction. So let’s quickly start.

I passed my tenth standard in 1984. So my impressions about the career options that people had earlier is derived mostly from movies.

From what I can gather, the 60s and 70s were simple times.

Professions were broadly divided into two categories. Industrialists, businessmen, smugglers & black-marketers formed one group. Honest, upright, poor, virtuous, government employees formed the other. Members of the first group acquired buildings, property, bank-balances, bungalows and cars. Members of the second group had mother.

What you became, was more or less decided by birth. Or sometimes, on the basis of who adopted you when, after your parents were killed, you unfortunately got separated from your brother.

Some indicators:

If you had a bar at home and could share a bottle of VAT 69 whisky with your father, you would become a rich businessman.

If, however, your mother was constantly on the sewing machine, you would most probably take up a profession that involved a uniform – a cop, the armed forces or a safari-suit clad district collector.

And if you possessed a detachable mole, you could oscillate between the two groups.

Things changed a bit in the decade or two after that. Big tax-funded colleges and universities came into their own. They were called “institutes of national importance” because they were quite important to nations like USA & UK. So even if you came from the sewers (i.e. a house where mother was sewing), you still had a chance because education could transform your life and move you up the social ladder.

The simple 60s thus gave way to the engineering 80s. On which I can speak from personal experience.

Till class X, the education system I went through primarily considered the brain to be a plastic bucket that had to be filled. Mug by mug. It was after this, that one had to make a few choices.

If you were the son of a small businessman, you had to go for the commerce stream and start helping Papa in the evenings. So during the day, you were taught about double-entry bookkeeping, while in the evenings you were taught no-entry, non-book-keeping.

If you could chop up a frog without remorse, you would go on to become a doctor. Perhaps, because this demonstrated that you were okay with your patients croaking.

The rest, all the rest, took a crack at engineering. The crème de la crème (as the professors called it) went to an IIT or a premier institute. The crème de la rest-of-the-milk went to various other local engineering colleges. The non-creamy layer also had a chance at engineering (at colleges like Genius College of Technology) provided their parents coughed up some capitation fees. (Paying capitation fees was a sound investment if the NPV of the increase in market value of a person, read dowry, exceeded the fees paid.)

Engineering was such a fad that it spawned a massive secondary industry with tutorial colleges offering preparatory courses ridiculously early. It’s a wonder that no one started an Abhimanyu Tutorials that trained children while they were still in their mother’s womb. And students flocked to these courses because a disproportionate number of people wanted to be engineers. A typical Ambassador car those days, would contain one lousy engine and seven prospective engineers going for their coaching class.

Law was a viable option if you were okay with calling people Milord, wearing black coats in summer and if you couldn’t get through to any engineering college. In Law Colleges students acquired a firm grasp of the law. By taking it into their own hands. But there was still an air of respectability about it.

The only path to success those days was study & effort. For years. Multiple degrees. Simply speaking, the more degrees you had, the hotter you were.

And now we come to today.

True, there is a boring majority that still studies Mechanical, Civil, Chemical or Metallurgical Engineering (and then becomes software professionals) but the action is in the new exciting professions. There has been an explosion of options. Every skill is monetizable. Every eccentricity has a buyer. Every activity is a potential profession, and every talent has a reality show. Here’s a sample guide that may help parents spot their offspring’s future vocation

Your child…

…ignores you when asked to do something – Flight Crew

…keeps interrupting when adults are talking – News Anchor

…stays up late and goes to school bleary eyed – IPL Player

…insists on lighting the candles during a power cut – Social Activist

…beats up all the kids in the neighbourhood – Collection Agent

…wakes you up at night with inane requests – Call Centre Executive

Actually, the list is endless. As a popular Tamil film personality would say – You can reach altitude with just aptitude and attitude. So parents can now give latitude. For this we should have gratitude.

But seriously, this opening up of career options has meant that there is a lot less pressure on a child to achieve academic excellence. And as parents figure this out, life, for a child, has become less of a journey and more of an exploration.

Which is great.

The internet is filled with imaginative theories on why he won. Some people feel it’s because his name is easier to pronounce than that of Ahmadinejad. Others postulate that he won it in a contest by virtue of being the tenth caller to the committee. All these theories may have merit, but one can never know for sure until 2059, which is when the deliberations of the Norwegian Nobel Committee will be released to the public.

However, painful persistence, dogged determination and a dose of hallucinogenic substances have allowed Let’s Put Da to lay its hands on the minutes of the committee meeting. So, dear reader, here they are…

(Note : In order to provide insight into the proceedings, the editor has randomly retained a few caricatured European accents derived by watching Peter Sellers movies and other such credible sources)

MINUTES OF THE NORWEGIAN NOBEL COMMITTEE

Venue : Oslo
Date : October 2009
Chaired by : Thorbjorn Jagland
Also present : Kaci Kullman Five, Sissel Marie Ronbeck, Inger-Marie Ytterhorn, Agot Vlle
Agenda : To decide the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize 2009

TJ : I call zis meeting to order.

KK5 : Ja, Ja. It ees time we start.

TJ : Ladees & me, we are gathered here to choose ze Nobel Peez Prize. As you all know it ees very prestigious and carries a heck-of-a-lot-of money. So let us choose carefully and wisely.

IMY : Yess. Yess. I agree. Peace is precious. War is bad. I have been reading a book by Tolstoy on thees subject for the last 4 years. It really helps me sleep peacefully.

TJ : Ok, Ingel. Let us get ze started. Sissel, could you read out the first finalist plees…

SMR : Thees is a man from India. Called Morarji Desai. It seems he was so fond of pees that he used to drink it everyday.

(Admiring oohs & aahs fill the room)

AV : Drinking pees? Really.

SMR : Oui. So pees flows in his every vein.

KK5 : But alas he’s no more. Alfie’s rules were very clear. If you’re alive, urine. Else you’re out.

TJ : Ja. It would be wrong toilet someone get this award posthumously. So, sadly, we can’t choose him. Who’s next?

SMR : Ze second finalist is an organization…

TJ : Zats good. In ze past we have chosen noble organizations like the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change & the Pugwash Conferences on Science & World Affairs. Which one is thees?

SMR : Er… Lego.

AV : Lego? What do they do?

KK5 : They let you build things. Pees by Pees.

IMY : Ah, Pees is so constructive

SMR : Yes. Even ze Fuhrer thought so. He wanted to construct an empire. Through pees. With a littil pees of Poland, a littil pees of France. A littil slice of Turkey and a littil dab of Greece.*

TJ : Great man zat. Lot of brain. Some Braun. We wanted to invite him to Oslo, but he turned out to be a bunker.

AV : Anyway, back to Lego. Do we give them ze Nobel pees Prize.

SMR : Hey, look what it says here. It appears zat they make profeets. They are sustainable.

KK5 : Ooooh. No, no. We have to stay away from dirty capitalism.

AV : Oui, Oui. Ze prize can only go to someone who lives on handouts. We call it reserve prize.

TJ : Okay Lego is out then. Next finalist plees.

SMR : The third finalist is an Indian state called West Bengal.

IMY : A state? Zats interesting. How can a state foster pees.

SMR : Apparently they are very fond of peesh. They eat it everyday.

AV : India is a great country. They drink pees. They eat peesh…

TJ : Ja. I too have heard that in Bengal they can’t live without peesh. They not only try peesh, but also fry it.

KK5 : Hmmm. And their leader is called Buddha. I theenk we should give it to zem.

TJ : Okay. Call zem and check. Till zen, I weel watch an episode of “Mind Your Language”. It ees funny.

(Kaci Kulman Five returns after 10 minutes)

KK5 : Apparently the whole state is closed. Zey are on a strike. What they call a bandh.

TJ : Aaah, a peaceful protest. Ze good.

KK5 : Unfortunately, no. Apparently the state regularly has violent protests and is hartaling towards disaster.

IMY : I believe it ees becoming moribandh.

TJ : Sigh. Would have been good to make Buddha laugh. Anyway, never mind. Let’s look at ze others.

SMR : Yet another Indian. A person called Sreesanth. His name itself means Mr. Peace. And, it seems he ees always peesed with the world.

KK5 : Hey, how come there are so many Indians?

AV : Well, it ees the land of Gandhi after all.

IMY : That reminds me. Why didn’t Gandhi ever get a Nobel prize?

TJ : It ees there in the records. There was some dispute that many of his noble deeds were done by someone else. We read all the reports and found that half of them mentioned another guy called Ghandi. So it was all very confusing. Mama Mia.

SMR : Back to Sreesanth. It seems he gives all batsmen a pees of his mind. And we all know that pees of mind is a good thing.

IMY : It also says here that he bowls at a gentle pace. In a friendly manner.

KK5 : But he was involved in some violence, I see.

AV : No, no. He was slapped but didn’t fight back. He just cried.

IMY : But look at him. Look at his antics, his break dance.

SMR : Yeah, and his hairstyle. The way he looks now, Nobel will ever go near him.

TJ : Okay, let us come back to eem next year.

SMR : That leaves only one finalist. The US President Barack Obama.

(Gasp goes around the table)

KK5 : But what has he done for pees?

AV : Well, for starters, he hasn’t started a new war in 6 months of being president.

Chorus : Ja Ja Ja Ja Ja

IMY : Plus he shows a lot of potential

SMR : What potential?

AV : See I learnt in school that potential is measured as current into resistance. Now nobody can deny that he is current and faces a lot of resistance.

Chorus : Oui Oui Oui Oui Oui

TJ : But all he has done is make promises. Has ee kept any of ees promises?

SMR : Well, he did promise that he will bring in change.

AV : And…? Has he brought in change?

SMR : Not yet, but soon he will. By creating trillions of dollars, he has made sure that the dollar will become change. Small change.

Chorus : Aaaaaah

TJ : All that is fine, but we need some direct connection with pees.

SMR : Look, look. He is spending money to cultivate peas.

IMY : Yes. He has allocated $350,000 to explore the use of peas and to help cultivate peas.

KK5 : Great man. Great ambassador.

TJ : Ja, ja. Ok. Zat is zat then. Obama it ees. Kaci, plees call eem. Let us shock and awe him.

Disclaimer : If you believe the above to be true, you too can apply to join the Norwegian Nobel Committee.
Pics Credit : nobelpeaceprize.org
*Shamelessly lifted from the Mel Brooks version of “To be or not to be”.