The nice folks at Outlook wanted me to write an article on how the landscape of “professions” has been changing in India. And they said they would pay me per word. You might notice that I’ve already ripped them off with this 48-word introduction. So let’s quickly start.

I passed my tenth standard in 1984. So my impressions about the career options that people had earlier is derived mostly from movies.

From what I can gather, the 60s and 70s were simple times.

Professions were broadly divided into two categories. Industrialists, businessmen, smugglers & black-marketers formed one group. Honest, upright, poor, virtuous, government employees formed the other. Members of the first group acquired buildings, property, bank-balances, bungalows and cars. Members of the second group had mother.

What you became, was more or less decided by birth. Or sometimes, on the basis of who adopted you when, after your parents were killed, you unfortunately got separated from your brother.

Some indicators:

If you had a bar at home and could share a bottle of VAT 69 whisky with your father, you would become a rich businessman.

If, however, your mother was constantly on the sewing machine, you would most probably take up a profession that involved a uniform – a cop, the armed forces or a safari-suit clad district collector.

And if you possessed a detachable mole, you could oscillate between the two groups.

Things changed a bit in the decade or two after that. Big tax-funded colleges and universities came into their own. They were called “institutes of national importance” because they were quite important to nations like USA & UK. So even if you came from the sewers (i.e. a house where mother was sewing), you still had a chance because education could transform your life and move you up the social ladder.

The simple 60s thus gave way to the engineering 80s. On which I can speak from personal experience.

Till class X, the education system I went through primarily considered the brain to be a plastic bucket that had to be filled. Mug by mug. It was after this, that one had to make a few choices.

If you were the son of a small businessman, you had to go for the commerce stream and start helping Papa in the evenings. So during the day, you were taught about double-entry bookkeeping, while in the evenings you were taught no-entry, non-book-keeping.

If you could chop up a frog without remorse, you would go on to become a doctor. Perhaps, because this demonstrated that you were okay with your patients croaking.

The rest, all the rest, took a crack at engineering. The crème de la crème (as the professors called it) went to an IIT or a premier institute. The crème de la rest-of-the-milk went to various other local engineering colleges. The non-creamy layer also had a chance at engineering (at colleges like Genius College of Technology) provided their parents coughed up some capitation fees. (Paying capitation fees was a sound investment if the NPV of the increase in market value of a person, read dowry, exceeded the fees paid.)

Engineering was such a fad that it spawned a massive secondary industry with tutorial colleges offering preparatory courses ridiculously early. It’s a wonder that no one started an Abhimanyu Tutorials that trained children while they were still in their mother’s womb. And students flocked to these courses because a disproportionate number of people wanted to be engineers. A typical Ambassador car those days, would contain one lousy engine and seven prospective engineers going for their coaching class.

Law was a viable option if you were okay with calling people Milord, wearing black coats in summer and if you couldn’t get through to any engineering college. In Law Colleges students acquired a firm grasp of the law. By taking it into their own hands. But there was still an air of respectability about it.

The only path to success those days was study & effort. For years. Multiple degrees. Simply speaking, the more degrees you had, the hotter you were.

And now we come to today.

True, there is a boring majority that still studies Mechanical, Civil, Chemical or Metallurgical Engineering (and then becomes software professionals) but the action is in the new exciting professions. There has been an explosion of options. Every skill is monetizable. Every eccentricity has a buyer. Every activity is a potential profession, and every talent has a reality show. Here’s a sample guide that may help parents spot their offspring’s future vocation

Your child…

…ignores you when asked to do something – Flight Crew

…keeps interrupting when adults are talking – News Anchor

…stays up late and goes to school bleary eyed – IPL Player

…insists on lighting the candles during a power cut – Social Activist

…beats up all the kids in the neighbourhood – Collection Agent

…wakes you up at night with inane requests – Call Centre Executive

Actually, the list is endless. As a popular Tamil film personality would say – You can reach altitude with just aptitude and attitude. So parents can now give latitude. For this we should have gratitude.

But seriously, this opening up of career options has meant that there is a lot less pressure on a child to achieve academic excellence. And as parents figure this out, life, for a child, has become less of a journey and more of an exploration.

Which is great.

The internet is filled with imaginative theories on why he won. Some people feel it’s because his name is easier to pronounce than that of Ahmadinejad. Others postulate that he won it in a contest by virtue of being the tenth caller to the committee. All these theories may have merit, but one can never know for sure until 2059, which is when the deliberations of the Norwegian Nobel Committee will be released to the public.

However, painful persistence, dogged determination and a dose of hallucinogenic substances have allowed Let’s Put Da to lay its hands on the minutes of the committee meeting. So, dear reader, here they are…

(Note : In order to provide insight into the proceedings, the editor has randomly retained a few caricatured European accents derived by watching Peter Sellers movies and other such credible sources)

MINUTES OF THE NORWEGIAN NOBEL COMMITTEE

Venue : Oslo
Date : October 2009
Chaired by : Thorbjorn Jagland
Also present : Kaci Kullman Five, Sissel Marie Ronbeck, Inger-Marie Ytterhorn, Agot Vlle
Agenda : To decide the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize 2009

TJ : I call zis meeting to order.

KK5 : Ja, Ja. It ees time we start.

TJ : Ladees & me, we are gathered here to choose ze Nobel Peez Prize. As you all know it ees very prestigious and carries a heck-of-a-lot-of money. So let us choose carefully and wisely.

IMY : Yess. Yess. I agree. Peace is precious. War is bad. I have been reading a book by Tolstoy on thees subject for the last 4 years. It really helps me sleep peacefully.

TJ : Ok, Ingel. Let us get ze started. Sissel, could you read out the first finalist plees…

SMR : Thees is a man from India. Called Morarji Desai. It seems he was so fond of pees that he used to drink it everyday.

(Admiring oohs & aahs fill the room)

AV : Drinking pees? Really.

SMR : Oui. So pees flows in his every vein.

KK5 : But alas he’s no more. Alfie’s rules were very clear. If you’re alive, urine. Else you’re out.

TJ : Ja. It would be wrong toilet someone get this award posthumously. So, sadly, we can’t choose him. Who’s next?

SMR : Ze second finalist is an organization…

TJ : Zats good. In ze past we have chosen noble organizations like the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change & the Pugwash Conferences on Science & World Affairs. Which one is thees?

SMR : Er… Lego.

AV : Lego? What do they do?

KK5 : They let you build things. Pees by Pees.

IMY : Ah, Pees is so constructive

SMR : Yes. Even ze Fuhrer thought so. He wanted to construct an empire. Through pees. With a littil pees of Poland, a littil pees of France. A littil slice of Turkey and a littil dab of Greece.*

TJ : Great man zat. Lot of brain. Some Braun. We wanted to invite him to Oslo, but he turned out to be a bunker.

AV : Anyway, back to Lego. Do we give them ze Nobel pees Prize.

SMR : Hey, look what it says here. It appears zat they make profeets. They are sustainable.

KK5 : Ooooh. No, no. We have to stay away from dirty capitalism.

AV : Oui, Oui. Ze prize can only go to someone who lives on handouts. We call it reserve prize.

TJ : Okay Lego is out then. Next finalist plees.

SMR : The third finalist is an Indian state called West Bengal.

IMY : A state? Zats interesting. How can a state foster pees.

SMR : Apparently they are very fond of peesh. They eat it everyday.

AV : India is a great country. They drink pees. They eat peesh…

TJ : Ja. I too have heard that in Bengal they can’t live without peesh. They not only try peesh, but also fry it.

KK5 : Hmmm. And their leader is called Buddha. I theenk we should give it to zem.

TJ : Okay. Call zem and check. Till zen, I weel watch an episode of “Mind Your Language”. It ees funny.

(Kaci Kulman Five returns after 10 minutes)

KK5 : Apparently the whole state is closed. Zey are on a strike. What they call a bandh.

TJ : Aaah, a peaceful protest. Ze good.

KK5 : Unfortunately, no. Apparently the state regularly has violent protests and is hartaling towards disaster.

IMY : I believe it ees becoming moribandh.

TJ : Sigh. Would have been good to make Buddha laugh. Anyway, never mind. Let’s look at ze others.

SMR : Yet another Indian. A person called Sreesanth. His name itself means Mr. Peace. And, it seems he ees always peesed with the world.

KK5 : Hey, how come there are so many Indians?

AV : Well, it ees the land of Gandhi after all.

IMY : That reminds me. Why didn’t Gandhi ever get a Nobel prize?

TJ : It ees there in the records. There was some dispute that many of his noble deeds were done by someone else. We read all the reports and found that half of them mentioned another guy called Ghandi. So it was all very confusing. Mama Mia.

SMR : Back to Sreesanth. It seems he gives all batsmen a pees of his mind. And we all know that pees of mind is a good thing.

IMY : It also says here that he bowls at a gentle pace. In a friendly manner.

KK5 : But he was involved in some violence, I see.

AV : No, no. He was slapped but didn’t fight back. He just cried.

IMY : But look at him. Look at his antics, his break dance.

SMR : Yeah, and his hairstyle. The way he looks now, Nobel will ever go near him.

TJ : Okay, let us come back to eem next year.

SMR : That leaves only one finalist. The US President Barack Obama.

(Gasp goes around the table)

KK5 : But what has he done for pees?

AV : Well, for starters, he hasn’t started a new war in 6 months of being president.

Chorus : Ja Ja Ja Ja Ja

IMY : Plus he shows a lot of potential

SMR : What potential?

AV : See I learnt in school that potential is measured as current into resistance. Now nobody can deny that he is current and faces a lot of resistance.

Chorus : Oui Oui Oui Oui Oui

TJ : But all he has done is make promises. Has ee kept any of ees promises?

SMR : Well, he did promise that he will bring in change.

AV : And…? Has he brought in change?

SMR : Not yet, but soon he will. By creating trillions of dollars, he has made sure that the dollar will become change. Small change.

Chorus : Aaaaaah

TJ : All that is fine, but we need some direct connection with pees.

SMR : Look, look. He is spending money to cultivate peas.

IMY : Yes. He has allocated $350,000 to explore the use of peas and to help cultivate peas.

KK5 : Great man. Great ambassador.

TJ : Ja, ja. Ok. Zat is zat then. Obama it ees. Kaci, plees call eem. Let us shock and awe him.

Disclaimer : If you believe the above to be true, you too can apply to join the Norwegian Nobel Committee.
Pics Credit : nobelpeaceprize.org
*Shamelessly lifted from the Mel Brooks version of “To be or not to be”.

I hope this missive finds you in the pink of health and the black of wealth.

I notice that you have been making attempts to help JPSK Sports get government funding for F1. But you must be aware that the sports ministry has firmly declared that anything expensive & entertaining cannot be called a sport. They prefer investing our tax money into activities that are cheap & boring (Kho Kho & Malkhamb to name a couple). In any case, hasn’t the Olympic telecast on DD conclusively proved to you, that in India, sport & entertainment do not mix.

I saw that you tried to take on the minister, MS Gill, on this issue, but you seem to have been sternly rebuffed. In other words you got a danda from gilli.*

But seriously, why on earth do the organisers want money from our government? I know that petrol prices have gone up, but still, isn’t F1 a rather prosperous pursuit? They say it has a global TV audience of 600 million. Surely such a venture would attract some capital. It’s like “Who wants to be a millionaire?” asking the government for a small subsidy.

And think of the perils you invite if you allow our government to get into the event. I can imagine a cabinet meeting where every ministry imposes its agenda on the race. Here is a partial list of possible policy decisions…

1. The race will not be called India F1. It will be renamed the Rajiv Gandhi Memorial Motor Vehicle Race.

2. The circuit will be built by NHAI (with labour drawn under NREGS). Which means, the earliest we can have the event is somewhere around 2025.

3. Instead of the 5 red lights being extinguished, the race will be inaugurated by Sonia Gandhi cutting a ribbon and then gracefully, ambling out of the track.

4. DD will be the host broadcaster and Anupam Gulati will provide the commentary. Which also means that you and your Force India team will have to act in a patriotic A/V set to the music of Chak De India.

5. The health ministry will want the exhausts sealed so that there is no smoking in public places.

6. The education minister will do away with the old-fashioned method of deciding the winner by seeing who comes first. Instead a complex method of continuous evaluation will be used.

7. The winners will not be allowed to drink champagne because that is deeply offensive to Indian sentiments. Coconut water will be served instead. However, it can still be branded Mumms because that goes well with our traditional values.

8. If the event is successful, the HRD ministry will soon start 17 more F1 races by the simple technique of renaming various existing events as F1.

So my advice to you is – stay away from the government. A sarkari Formula 1 is one formula for disaster.

You could however, go to Bollywood for funds. These days they are the biggest patrons of sport. You might have to plant a few trees in the circuit though, so that the cars can go round them. Or better still, ask BCCI. They will give you the money. They love making a lot of noise and going around in circles, anyway.

Warm regards

Ramesh

I’m sure you, dear reader, can offer up a lot more shudder-worthy scenarios. So do pen in your suggestions so that this list can be expanded.

*You can see a transcript of the conversation between Dr. Mallya & Dr. Gill here.

So I dug them out and here they are. I know they are a bit dated (they pertain to stuff that happened 6-8 months back), but what the heck, it’s still better to have nursery rhymes that are drawn from India circa 2008 than Europe circa 16th century. Sing along for best results …

Based on “Little Miss Muffet”.

Little Miss Jaya,
Eats some papaya,
Along with some curd and rice.
If you want a favour,
Some money you gave her,
For Miss Jaya comes at a price.

Based on “Pussy Cat Pussy Cat”.

Prakash Karat, Prakash Karat, where have you been?
I’ve been to Beijing to visit the Cheen.
Prakash Karat, Prakash Karat, what did you there?
I promised my bosses, that I’d do my share.

Based on “Old MacDonald”.

Old Mamata B went to a farm. Eeya Eeya O.
And on that farm, she saw a plant. Ayyayyayyo.
With some protests here,
And some violence there.
Here a speech, there a speech,
Everywhere a screech screech.
Old Mamata B caused great harm. No Nano Nano.

Based on “Ding Dong Bell”.

Ding dong division bell.
The MPs are in the well.
Who put them in?
Advani the thin.
Who pulled them out?
Somnath the stout.
What a rowdy bunch of gents,
Sit in our noisy parliaments.

Based on “Rock-a-bye Baby”.

Rock-a-bye Gowda, was dozing on top.
When he saw progress, Gowda would stop.
When people voted, Gowda did fall.
And down they came, Gowda, HDK and all.

Based on “Wee Willie Winkie”

Hoy Hoysa Hoysala, drives through the town.
Upstreet & downstreet, wearing a frown.
Knocking down the singers,
And closing down the bars.
Are all the adults in their beds? It’s past 11 o’clock.

Coming soon (hopefully with some relevant stuff) – Part 3. Suggestions are welcome.

Disclaimer : Any resemblance that the silly events described in these childish rhymes have to the deliberate, statesmanlike actions of our esteemed leaders is obviously co-incidental. Also, please do not try this at school.

Firstly, there is this new epidemic – human flu – which has been scything through Pigland. As of date, no less than 17 pigs have been exterminated by this dreaded disease. The health ministry of Pigland is declaring emergency measures to combat this scourge. When it was pointed out that 17 is no big deal, that over 100 million pigs are slaughtered in the USA alone every year, he indignantly retorted, “Please do not cast these pearls of wisdom before a swine like me. This is a big health issue. We live in unhygenic surroundings. In gutters and like. No wonder we are referred to as ‘Sewer Ke Bacche’. So we have to do something. But don’t worry, there is a bacon of hope. A new drug can save you. One pork and you’ll be fine.” Meanwhile, the worried denizens of Pigland are roaming around the streets wearing masks. Which they only remove to dig their snout into some tasty garbage.

And then there was the case of the Big Ham. This ham is a huge star in Pigland and is referred to as the King of Pollywood. As such, he is used to getting salami from everyone. Now when the big ham visited Pig Apple, nobody there knew that he was a Very Important Pandhi. So they grilled him (without marination) for a couple of hours. Perhaps the customs there are different from the customs here. Same with immigration. But Big Ham didn’t like it at all. All his grunting & squealing was picked up by the media and he hogged the headlines yet again. He now says that he won’t even be sausaged by an apology.

And the third big event was the release of a book. From what we know, the book is quite a boar, but a big furore was created about some past leaders. Everyone wondered what the fuss was about. After all, we pigs are much more interested in today’s dinnah than yesterday’s Jinnah. But the lard & master of the author’s party expelled him unceremoniously. This has led to a huge rift in the party and the media is again having a field day with ample material for programs like ‘The Pig Fight’. Some states are banning the book, while in others, sales are zooming. So the author seems to be quite happy. He sowed and is now reaping.

In effect, there is unnecessary panic, uncalled-for indignation and undesirable friction in Pigland. All caused by the media, who ensure that every hog has its hay. That’s all for this week. Oink you folks.

Disclaimer : Pigland is a figment of my porcine imagination. It is just my shift from being punny to being panni.

Picture Credits : Here, here and here.

Instead, in true swadeshi style, let’s institute our own Bharatiya Oscars – The Bhaskars. After all, in India, drama, action & comedy aren’t confined to the movies. They are played out in glorious 3-D in all aspects of our life. So here is my list for the 2008 Bhaskars…

Best Story – A Deputy CM demonstrates his adherence to the law by falling in love with a former assistant advocate general. Unfortunately he already has a wife. The Hindu lovers become a Muslim couple – Chand Mohammed & Fiza. Once he has got into her Nikaahs, he decides to go back to his first wife. Fiza attempts suicide, accuses him of rape, and his family of occult practices but Chand is unmoved. He divorces her through SMS and she gets a role in a Bollywood movie. For this fascinating saga involving politics, law, love, religion, crime, horror, glamour & technology, the Bhaskar Award for Best Story goes to Chander Mohan a.k.a. Chand Mohammed for “Fiza Ke Liye”.

Best Screenplay – A bunch of plutocrats indulge in a decadent auction. The auction ends. The action begins. Chargers run out of power. Fancied teams are Royally Challenged. Vijay Mallya sulks. Preity Zinta hugs some Kings. Shahrukh hugs Shoaib. Vijay Mallya sulks. Cheerleaders entertain the crowds. Shiv Sena sulks. Mumbai crowds get folk dancers instead. Harbhajan behaves like a Silly Bhajji. Sreesanth sobs. Preity Zinta hugs him. Vijay Mallya sulks. Akshay Kumar lands in a chopper. Set Max shows a billion ads. Shane Warne leads the most unfancied team to the trophy. Everybody is happy. Except Mallya, that is. For a heady cocktail of money, glamour & action and for ensuring that everybody shamelessly played for the screen, the Bhaskar Award for Screenplay goes to Lalit Modi for “Paisa Bhi Hota Hai”.

Best Music/Song – It was composed by the Songh Parivar and performed by the Ram Sena. Strongly influenced by the Culture Club, it is a lilting malady. The artists used thumping beats and indulged in serious head-banging. It played in many pubs and hit the top of the charts on Valentines day. The Bhaskar for Best Music goes to Pramod Muthalik for his message to youth – “Hurry Home Hurry”.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role – He didn’t want the responsibility of being the star, but played a significant role in the development of the plot. He played the perfect counterfoil to the government. i.e. He countered every move and foiled every plan. For a scintillating performance in which he acted as if he supported the government, the Bhaskar Award for Best Supporting Actor goes to Prakash Karat for “Chowringee Lane to China.

Best Editing – A good script can completely collapse if it is not cut to perfection. A shining example was the Olympic Telecast. An unconventional editing technique was used whereby all interesting action was cut. The audience had to imagine the action by seeing the prize distribution. DD, like any good editor, took us, the audience, on an emotional rollercoaster ride. We wept when rowing was shown instead of gymnastics. We cursed when athletics was cut in favour of Greco-Roman wrestling. We laughed at the “expert analysis”. And we were inspired everytime we saw Vijender punch the air to the tune of Chak De India. Live telecast was transformed by radical editing into a dead telecast. The Bhaskar for Best Editing goes to Doordarshan for “Dekh Sake Tho Dekh Lo”.

Best Costumes – His authority may have been loose but his collar was buttoned. His policies rankled but his sleeve was creased. His words were meaningless and few. For he was a man of Achkan. He faced diplomats with polish (on his shoes) and terrorists with boldness (in his checks). For bathing us in his sartorial splendour, the Bhaskar Award for Best Costumes goes to Shivraj Patil for “Dhoti, Kapda aur Makaan”.

Best Action – He asked for Maa Ki Dal, but got into trouble. He prayed for Man-ki Shakti. And-drew Symonds’ rage. Everybody told him to shut up. So, like Hellen Keller, he decided to let his hands do the talking. His opportunity came when a team-mate showed some cheek on the field. He responded to the cheek with some slapstick comedy. Unfortunately nobody found it funny and he had to face a suspension with disbelief. For a resounding performance that brought tears to the eyes of Sreesanth, the Bhaskar Award for Action goes to Harbhajan Singh for “Thappad Phad Ke”.

Best Actor in a Leading Role – He was over 70 years old, but willing to take up a leading role. Surrounded by friends who were actually enemies and enemies who were actually, well, enemies, he sailed his way with indifferent elan. There were bombs, controversies, recesisions, betrayals, and general pandemonium but he responded to everything with studied, emotionless, underplay. A thoroughly professional actor, he listened to every single thing, his directorji told him. For a convincing performance of acting as if he was leading the country, The Bhaskar Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role, goes to Manmohan for the highly ornamental role he played in “Singh is Bling”.

Best Director – This year, the award goes to not a mere director but a managing director. It’s a story of one man against society. Of a man who defied conventions. A man who fought for his principles. Accounting principles, that is. Who believed that books are not salads to be left uncooked. Who fought against the norm that employees should have a corporeal presence. Who refused to hear his conscience because he had some Auditory problems. It’s a saga of human dreams that would have enraptured even Sigmund Fraud. The best director of the year goes to Ramalinga Raju for “Scamasutra”.

Best Picture – A magnum opus for which 552 villains were assembled (unfortunately, there was no money left-over for heroes). By any stretch of imagination it is the longest movie ever made – 5 years approximately. It’s a movie with no story but lots of plots – devious plots. It’s a fluid script with many actors staging walk-outs. There is no action but lot of motion(s). And commotion. With over 500 people shouting concurrently, the audio levels were so high that even the Speaker packed up. The movie had a message. That while the country is forced into socialism, the parliament operates as a free-market. For 5 entertaining years of bedlam, the Bhaskar Awards for the Best Picture goes to the 14th Lok Sabha for “Chor Machaye Shor.”

Lifetime Acievement – The one actor who never seems to leave the stage is Deve Gowda. He has had a rich career in which he has acted in numerous mega-hits. He played the indifferent CM with a profit motive in “No Aankhen Bara Haath”. He captured the spirit of a villager who fluked his way to Delhi in “Ragi Ban Gaya Gentleman”. He portrayed the social worker who opposed infra-structure in “Viroadi”. And a million other such roles. He has a wealth of experience and now an experience of wealth. For amassing an incredible amount of er… wisdom in one lifetime, the Bhaskar Award for Lifetime Achievement goes to Deve Gowda.

That wraps up the 2008 Bhaskars folks. Do send in nominations for 2009.

Disclaimer : All characters and events mentioned above are purely a figment of the petrified author’s imagination.
A marked resemblance (pointed out by PM) in the name of the awards to Christy Bharath’s initiative to spoof the Oscar winners is completely unintended and remarkably coincidental.

Based on “Jack & Jill.”

Lalu & Rabri could pay any bill,
As they’d made a pile on fodder.
But Lalu fell down and lost his crown,
And Rabri ruled Bihar thereafter.

Based on “Rain, Rain Go Away.”

Rane, Rane go away.
Come again another day.
Ashok Chavan wants to play,
Rane, Rane go away.

Based on “Mary had a Little Lamb.”

Sonia had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb.
Sonia had a little lamb, whose turban was always blue.
Whatever that Sonia said, Sonia said, Sonia said.
Whatever that Sonia said, the lamb was sure to do.

Based on “Hot Cross Buns.”

Oft cause bans. Oft cause bans.
Anbumani, Anbumani,
Will oft cause bans.
If it’s not for smoking,
It’ll be for eating junk.
But Anbumani, Anbumani,
Will oft cause bans.

Based on “I’m a Little Teapot.”

I’m the MNS despot, every law I flout.
These are my thugs and this is my snout.
When I get steamed up, hear me shout.
But when there’s real trouble, count me out.

More to come. In Part 2 – here.

Disclaimer : This post does not claim to be a description of real people and events. It is just childish nonsense. Like our you-know-whos.

2. Pratibha Patil has put our minds at ease by “strongly condemning” the terror attacks. She probably thought that we were sick with apprehension that she might applaud it. The Deccan Mujaheddin are now expected to be completely demoralized by this presidential rebuke.

3. Manmohan Singh has “called” for the establishment of a federal investigation agency. Uh? Who is he “calling”? Isn’t he the guy who is supposed to set it up? And preferably have set it up by now. It’s like Emperor Nero “calling” for the establishment of a fire department.

4. Commandos are landing on the Nariman Building. They seem to be tip-toeing down. They are communicating to each other through hand signals. Secrecy & surprise are paramount. And NDTV is showing this live!!! With informative commentary on how many commandos have landed and so on. Perhaps NDTV’s research has shown that terrorists only watch cartoon network during missions.

5. Shivraj Patil is peeved that the terrorists didn’t hang around in the Cama Hospital & CST till he landed up. He is probably extremely upset about this grave breach of protocol. Which is why, his description of the events has been “most disturbing“. Reminds me of Humphry Appleby.

6. The CII Chief Mentor, Tarun Das, has suggested that many conferences should be held to combat terrorism. I presume they will meet all day in exotic but safe spots and come out with a resolution condemning terrorism. There goes Al Qaeda’s chances on getting listed in the BSE.

7. While all the TV channels have been uniformly hysterical, Barkha Dutt seems to have emerged as the first among equals in the race for the most words with the least sense. By asking the relatives of hostages bizarre questions – “How do you feel?” and “What will you do if your husband doesn’t come out?”  - she has piled insensitivity on top of stupidity. Basically the thugs have taken the hostages and the media is spreading the terror.

Sat morning

The fighting seems to be over. Now I guess the battles will begin.

One news channel is showing the corpse of a terrorist and claims that the death of this particular terrorist symbolizes the death of terror. NDTV has changed its caption from “War Zone” to “Enough is enough”. Which, strangely enough, is what most people have been telling them.