The nice folks at Outlook wanted me to write an article on how the landscape of “professions” has been changing in India. And they said they would pay me per word. You might notice that I’ve already ripped them off with this 48-word introduction. So let’s quickly start.

I passed my tenth standard in 1984. So my impressions about the career options that people had earlier is derived mostly from movies.

From what I can gather, the 60s and 70s were simple times.

Professions were broadly divided into two categories. Industrialists, businessmen, smugglers & black-marketers formed one group. Honest, upright, poor, virtuous, government employees formed the other. Members of the first group acquired buildings, property, bank-balances, bungalows and cars. Members of the second group had mother.

What you became, was more or less decided by birth. Or sometimes, on the basis of who adopted you when, after your parents were killed, you unfortunately got separated from your brother.

Some indicators:

If you had a bar at home and could share a bottle of VAT 69 whisky with your father, you would become a rich businessman.

If, however, your mother was constantly on the sewing machine, you would most probably take up a profession that involved a uniform – a cop, the armed forces or a safari-suit clad district collector.

And if you possessed a detachable mole, you could oscillate between the two groups.

Things changed a bit in the decade or two after that. Big tax-funded colleges and universities came into their own. They were called “institutes of national importance” because they were quite important to nations like USA & UK. So even if you came from the sewers (i.e. a house where mother was sewing), you still had a chance because education could transform your life and move you up the social ladder.

The simple 60s thus gave way to the engineering 80s. On which I can speak from personal experience.

Till class X, the education system I went through primarily considered the brain to be a plastic bucket that had to be filled. Mug by mug. It was after this, that one had to make a few choices.

If you were the son of a small businessman, you had to go for the commerce stream and start helping Papa in the evenings. So during the day, you were taught about double-entry bookkeeping, while in the evenings you were taught no-entry, non-book-keeping.

If you could chop up a frog without remorse, you would go on to become a doctor. Perhaps, because this demonstrated that you were okay with your patients croaking.

The rest, all the rest, took a crack at engineering. The crème de la crème (as the professors called it) went to an IIT or a premier institute. The crème de la rest-of-the-milk went to various other local engineering colleges. The non-creamy layer also had a chance at engineering (at colleges like Genius College of Technology) provided their parents coughed up some capitation fees. (Paying capitation fees was a sound investment if the NPV of the increase in market value of a person, read dowry, exceeded the fees paid.)

Engineering was such a fad that it spawned a massive secondary industry with tutorial colleges offering preparatory courses ridiculously early. It’s a wonder that no one started an Abhimanyu Tutorials that trained children while they were still in their mother’s womb. And students flocked to these courses because a disproportionate number of people wanted to be engineers. A typical Ambassador car those days, would contain one lousy engine and seven prospective engineers going for their coaching class.

Law was a viable option if you were okay with calling people Milord, wearing black coats in summer and if you couldn’t get through to any engineering college. In Law Colleges students acquired a firm grasp of the law. By taking it into their own hands. But there was still an air of respectability about it.

The only path to success those days was study & effort. For years. Multiple degrees. Simply speaking, the more degrees you had, the hotter you were.

And now we come to today.

True, there is a boring majority that still studies Mechanical, Civil, Chemical or Metallurgical Engineering (and then becomes software professionals) but the action is in the new exciting professions. There has been an explosion of options. Every skill is monetizable. Every eccentricity has a buyer. Every activity is a potential profession, and every talent has a reality show. Here’s a sample guide that may help parents spot their offspring’s future vocation

Your child…

…ignores you when asked to do something – Flight Crew

…keeps interrupting when adults are talking – News Anchor

…stays up late and goes to school bleary eyed – IPL Player

…insists on lighting the candles during a power cut – Social Activist

…beats up all the kids in the neighbourhood – Collection Agent

…wakes you up at night with inane requests – Call Centre Executive

Actually, the list is endless. As a popular Tamil film personality would say – You can reach altitude with just aptitude and attitude. So parents can now give latitude. For this we should have gratitude.

But seriously, this opening up of career options has meant that there is a lot less pressure on a child to achieve academic excellence. And as parents figure this out, life, for a child, has become less of a journey and more of an exploration.

Which is great.

Everybody knew what the questions would be. The usual stuff – Pakistan, terrorism, inflation, Naxals, corruption, Rahul, Sonia, and so on.

And everybody knew that there would be no real answers. If it’s a problem, we will look into it. If it’s corruption, the law will take its course. If it’s violence, we are open to talks. And if it’s the Family, we will wax eloquent about them. I wish the man at least tried it to make it a bit interesting. We know he is just a puppet, but even puppets are supposed to entertain, aren’t they?

Anyway, like we do in the case of so many other things, let us try self-help. If the government staunchly refuses to answer our questions, we shall have to do it ourselves. So here are the real answers that Manmohan never gave…

On inflation & economy : Please remember that this is a UPA govt. Which is why the economy has gone UPA, not neechey. And unfortunately prices went UPA-2. However we are working very hard to bring prices down. This is a government you can count on. As well as discount on.

On Pakistan : Pakistan is our biggest neighbour. Of course, China is a far bigger country and we share a border with it, but we don’t consider them our neighbour because they are not very neighbourly. The problems with Pakistan basically stem from a trust deficit. So we need to maintain a dialogue with them. This is getting increasingly difficult though. Because of their recent policies, we are unable to poke them and we can’t send them pomegranate trees for their farms. We can’t even organize a simple tweetup of our foreign ministers. And once they ban gmail, I just don’t understand how we can even contact them. And no, we can’t use the hotline either, because it just goes to a call-centre in Pakistan where middle-aged women talk dirty to us. They really should understand that if social media disappears, everything that is left will be anti-social. Then Aman Ki Asha doesn’t have a chance. Only Yaman Ki Asha.

On Naxals : I’ve been saying for three years that Naxalism is the biggest internal security threat that our country faces. Before that it used to be the guys throwing sandals at our ministers, but now Naxalism has taken a comfortable lead. The root cause of this problem is that their side is filled with Kishens while we seem to have only Kanhaiyyas. So we are a bit reluctant to just go in and wipe them out. You could call it a thrust deficit. Or you could call it a Kishen Jam. Also, we suffer from a limited mandate. i.e. we have limited men and limited dates. Which makes it a logistical nightmare.

On Terrorism : Terrorism knows no religion. Incidentally, it’s also pretty weak at calculus. This government’s stance has been very clear. Whenever we see terror, we promptly condemn it. We assure the terrorists that they will not be able to get away with stuff like this, and we make it very clear that we will not tolerate it. Such hard-hitting statements are bound to sap the morale and resolve of the terrorists. As they say, a bad posture can damage one’s spine. So our government has developed considerable expertise in posturing. In addition to this, when we do capture a terrorist or two, we demonstrate that we have no intention of executing them. So that by the time they do get to paradise they will be far too old to do anything constructive with all those virgins. Their spirit might be willing, but their flesh will be a bit too weak. Heh, heh.

On caste census : In the last election, the people gave us a fractured verdict. Which is why we are dependent on cast. So it’s not possible to just wish away caste equations. But frankly, I really don’t see what the fuss is about. To understand the reason for caste being recorded, you need to first understand the reason for the census. With great effort we collect a lot of data about our people. At a broad level, it throws up a number which we enter into wikipedia as our official population. We then use the various measures gathered to decide stuff like per-capita income & literacy levels. This is a great morale booster because all the people who get to hear about the census are above-average in income and literacy. Also, the finance minister and planning commission use these figures to fix the second decimal place in the thousands of crores they regularly allocate to various welfare schemes. In a nutshell, the census exists to throw up inaccurate figures that nevertheless add an illusion of great detail to various unnecessary schemes that are never implemented anyway. Therefore, any parameter, that can give us another pie-chart or two adds to the richness of the census. Caste is just one of them. In fact, in the next census we are even considering finding out stuff like your favourite colour, lucky number and so on. Please understand – A census without detail is a complete non-census.

On Raja & corruption : For the last 6 years, the UPA has been harping on inclusive growth. Which essentially means that our allies are included in the growth. We have also guaranteed a minimum amount that all the regional parties can make out of public funds. What we call the Common Minimum Programme. So all Raja has done is access his legitimate share. After all without the rising sun, you won’t even have a spectrum, no?

On Rahul Gandhi : Rahul Gandhi is well qualified for a cabinet post. He has piled on to so many people’s houses, that he can be Home Minister. His Spanish girlfriend qualifies him for External Affairs. He got into St. Stephens for his pistol-shooting abilities. So Defence is a possibility. Plus, they say, he has been managing $2 billion dollars in his Swiss Bank which means he could well be our Finance Minister. Seriously, with such all-round abilities, he can be not just a Prime Minister but a Composite Minister.

On illegal mining in Orissa : There is no such thing as illegal mining. Possession, they say, is nine-tenths of the law. If I possess some land it is mine. If it don’t, it is not mine. So please stay away from this issue. You all know what will happen if you step on a mine. Or step on mine. And do remember, at least the state lives up to its name – “Ore”issa. Instead of being like Kashmir which is draining all our cash or Manipur, on which we just spend money.

On the support of the left : Ah! If wishes were horses, a genie would give you three Sarah Jessica Parkers. But leaving that aside, the Left is welcome to join us. The doors of UPA are open to anyone. All any party has to do is win a few seats in parliament, send us proof of the results, and complete the slogan – Sonia Gandhi is great because ….. in not more than 10 words. Incidentally, this contest is also open to employees and relatives of the organisers.

On his legacy : How can I leave a legacy? I have no political will. Hehe. That was a joke. I am not bothered about legacy issues. It is for historians to decide. Or perhaps physicists. That’s because I am a puppet. An honest, decent puppet, but a puppet all the same. And so to understand my legacy, you will need some knowledge of the String Theory.

Jai Hind.

Offer : The Prime Minister is free to use these answers in the next press conference which, the track record suggests, will be held around 2015. You see, the questions are likely to remain the same.

Picture : Whacked from the BBC. Much thanks to them.

The internet is filled with imaginative theories on why he won. Some people feel it’s because his name is easier to pronounce than that of Ahmadinejad. Others postulate that he won it in a contest by virtue of being the tenth caller to the committee. All these theories may have merit, but one can never know for sure until 2059, which is when the deliberations of the Norwegian Nobel Committee will be released to the public.

However, painful persistence, dogged determination and a dose of hallucinogenic substances have allowed Let’s Put Da to lay its hands on the minutes of the committee meeting. So, dear reader, here they are…

(Note : In order to provide insight into the proceedings, the editor has randomly retained a few caricatured European accents derived by watching Peter Sellers movies and other such credible sources)

MINUTES OF THE NORWEGIAN NOBEL COMMITTEE

Venue : Oslo
Date : October 2009
Chaired by : Thorbjorn Jagland
Also present : Kaci Kullman Five, Sissel Marie Ronbeck, Inger-Marie Ytterhorn, Agot Vlle
Agenda : To decide the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize 2009

TJ : I call zis meeting to order.

KK5 : Ja, Ja. It ees time we start.

TJ : Ladees & me, we are gathered here to choose ze Nobel Peez Prize. As you all know it ees very prestigious and carries a heck-of-a-lot-of money. So let us choose carefully and wisely.

IMY : Yess. Yess. I agree. Peace is precious. War is bad. I have been reading a book by Tolstoy on thees subject for the last 4 years. It really helps me sleep peacefully.

TJ : Ok, Ingel. Let us get ze started. Sissel, could you read out the first finalist plees…

SMR : Thees is a man from India. Called Morarji Desai. It seems he was so fond of pees that he used to drink it everyday.

(Admiring oohs & aahs fill the room)

AV : Drinking pees? Really.

SMR : Oui. So pees flows in his every vein.

KK5 : But alas he’s no more. Alfie’s rules were very clear. If you’re alive, urine. Else you’re out.

TJ : Ja. It would be wrong toilet someone get this award posthumously. So, sadly, we can’t choose him. Who’s next?

SMR : Ze second finalist is an organization…

TJ : Zats good. In ze past we have chosen noble organizations like the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change & the Pugwash Conferences on Science & World Affairs. Which one is thees?

SMR : Er… Lego.

AV : Lego? What do they do?

KK5 : They let you build things. Pees by Pees.

IMY : Ah, Pees is so constructive

SMR : Yes. Even ze Fuhrer thought so. He wanted to construct an empire. Through pees. With a littil pees of Poland, a littil pees of France. A littil slice of Turkey and a littil dab of Greece.*

TJ : Great man zat. Lot of brain. Some Braun. We wanted to invite him to Oslo, but he turned out to be a bunker.

AV : Anyway, back to Lego. Do we give them ze Nobel pees Prize.

SMR : Hey, look what it says here. It appears zat they make profeets. They are sustainable.

KK5 : Ooooh. No, no. We have to stay away from dirty capitalism.

AV : Oui, Oui. Ze prize can only go to someone who lives on handouts. We call it reserve prize.

TJ : Okay Lego is out then. Next finalist plees.

SMR : The third finalist is an Indian state called West Bengal.

IMY : A state? Zats interesting. How can a state foster pees.

SMR : Apparently they are very fond of peesh. They eat it everyday.

AV : India is a great country. They drink pees. They eat peesh…

TJ : Ja. I too have heard that in Bengal they can’t live without peesh. They not only try peesh, but also fry it.

KK5 : Hmmm. And their leader is called Buddha. I theenk we should give it to zem.

TJ : Okay. Call zem and check. Till zen, I weel watch an episode of “Mind Your Language”. It ees funny.

(Kaci Kulman Five returns after 10 minutes)

KK5 : Apparently the whole state is closed. Zey are on a strike. What they call a bandh.

TJ : Aaah, a peaceful protest. Ze good.

KK5 : Unfortunately, no. Apparently the state regularly has violent protests and is hartaling towards disaster.

IMY : I believe it ees becoming moribandh.

TJ : Sigh. Would have been good to make Buddha laugh. Anyway, never mind. Let’s look at ze others.

SMR : Yet another Indian. A person called Sreesanth. His name itself means Mr. Peace. And, it seems he ees always peesed with the world.

KK5 : Hey, how come there are so many Indians?

AV : Well, it ees the land of Gandhi after all.

IMY : That reminds me. Why didn’t Gandhi ever get a Nobel prize?

TJ : It ees there in the records. There was some dispute that many of his noble deeds were done by someone else. We read all the reports and found that half of them mentioned another guy called Ghandi. So it was all very confusing. Mama Mia.

SMR : Back to Sreesanth. It seems he gives all batsmen a pees of his mind. And we all know that pees of mind is a good thing.

IMY : It also says here that he bowls at a gentle pace. In a friendly manner.

KK5 : But he was involved in some violence, I see.

AV : No, no. He was slapped but didn’t fight back. He just cried.

IMY : But look at him. Look at his antics, his break dance.

SMR : Yeah, and his hairstyle. The way he looks now, Nobel will ever go near him.

TJ : Okay, let us come back to eem next year.

SMR : That leaves only one finalist. The US President Barack Obama.

(Gasp goes around the table)

KK5 : But what has he done for pees?

AV : Well, for starters, he hasn’t started a new war in 6 months of being president.

Chorus : Ja Ja Ja Ja Ja

IMY : Plus he shows a lot of potential

SMR : What potential?

AV : See I learnt in school that potential is measured as current into resistance. Now nobody can deny that he is current and faces a lot of resistance.

Chorus : Oui Oui Oui Oui Oui

TJ : But all he has done is make promises. Has ee kept any of ees promises?

SMR : Well, he did promise that he will bring in change.

AV : And…? Has he brought in change?

SMR : Not yet, but soon he will. By creating trillions of dollars, he has made sure that the dollar will become change. Small change.

Chorus : Aaaaaah

TJ : All that is fine, but we need some direct connection with pees.

SMR : Look, look. He is spending money to cultivate peas.

IMY : Yes. He has allocated $350,000 to explore the use of peas and to help cultivate peas.

KK5 : Great man. Great ambassador.

TJ : Ja, ja. Ok. Zat is zat then. Obama it ees. Kaci, plees call eem. Let us shock and awe him.

Disclaimer : If you believe the above to be true, you too can apply to join the Norwegian Nobel Committee.
Pics Credit : nobelpeaceprize.org
*Shamelessly lifted from the Mel Brooks version of “To be or not to be”.

I hope this missive finds you in the pink of health and the black of wealth.

I notice that you have been making attempts to help JPSK Sports get government funding for F1. But you must be aware that the sports ministry has firmly declared that anything expensive & entertaining cannot be called a sport. They prefer investing our tax money into activities that are cheap & boring (Kho Kho & Malkhamb to name a couple). In any case, hasn’t the Olympic telecast on DD conclusively proved to you, that in India, sport & entertainment do not mix.

I saw that you tried to take on the minister, MS Gill, on this issue, but you seem to have been sternly rebuffed. In other words you got a danda from gilli.*

But seriously, why on earth do the organisers want money from our government? I know that petrol prices have gone up, but still, isn’t F1 a rather prosperous pursuit? They say it has a global TV audience of 600 million. Surely such a venture would attract some capital. It’s like “Who wants to be a millionaire?” asking the government for a small subsidy.

And think of the perils you invite if you allow our government to get into the event. I can imagine a cabinet meeting where every ministry imposes its agenda on the race. Here is a partial list of possible policy decisions…

1. The race will not be called India F1. It will be renamed the Rajiv Gandhi Memorial Motor Vehicle Race.

2. The circuit will be built by NHAI (with labour drawn under NREGS). Which means, the earliest we can have the event is somewhere around 2025.

3. Instead of the 5 red lights being extinguished, the race will be inaugurated by Sonia Gandhi cutting a ribbon and then gracefully, ambling out of the track.

4. DD will be the host broadcaster and Anupam Gulati will provide the commentary. Which also means that you and your Force India team will have to act in a patriotic A/V set to the music of Chak De India.

5. The health ministry will want the exhausts sealed so that there is no smoking in public places.

6. The education minister will do away with the old-fashioned method of deciding the winner by seeing who comes first. Instead a complex method of continuous evaluation will be used.

7. The winners will not be allowed to drink champagne because that is deeply offensive to Indian sentiments. Coconut water will be served instead. However, it can still be branded Mumms because that goes well with our traditional values.

8. If the event is successful, the HRD ministry will soon start 17 more F1 races by the simple technique of renaming various existing events as F1.

So my advice to you is – stay away from the government. A sarkari Formula 1 is one formula for disaster.

You could however, go to Bollywood for funds. These days they are the biggest patrons of sport. You might have to plant a few trees in the circuit though, so that the cars can go round them. Or better still, ask BCCI. They will give you the money. They love making a lot of noise and going around in circles, anyway.

Warm regards

Ramesh

I’m sure you, dear reader, can offer up a lot more shudder-worthy scenarios. So do pen in your suggestions so that this list can be expanded.

*You can see a transcript of the conversation between Dr. Mallya & Dr. Gill here.

So I dug them out and here they are. I know they are a bit dated (they pertain to stuff that happened 6-8 months back), but what the heck, it’s still better to have nursery rhymes that are drawn from India circa 2008 than Europe circa 16th century. Sing along for best results …

Based on “Little Miss Muffet”.

Little Miss Jaya,
Eats some papaya,
Along with some curd and rice.
If you want a favour,
Some money you gave her,
For Miss Jaya comes at a price.

Based on “Pussy Cat Pussy Cat”.

Prakash Karat, Prakash Karat, where have you been?
I’ve been to Beijing to visit the Cheen.
Prakash Karat, Prakash Karat, what did you there?
I promised my bosses, that I’d do my share.

Based on “Old MacDonald”.

Old Mamata B went to a farm. Eeya Eeya O.
And on that farm, she saw a plant. Ayyayyayyo.
With some protests here,
And some violence there.
Here a speech, there a speech,
Everywhere a screech screech.
Old Mamata B caused great harm. No Nano Nano.

Based on “Ding Dong Bell”.

Ding dong division bell.
The MPs are in the well.
Who put them in?
Advani the thin.
Who pulled them out?
Somnath the stout.
What a rowdy bunch of gents,
Sit in our noisy parliaments.

Based on “Rock-a-bye Baby”.

Rock-a-bye Gowda, was dozing on top.
When he saw progress, Gowda would stop.
When people voted, Gowda did fall.
And down they came, Gowda, HDK and all.

Based on “Wee Willie Winkie”

Hoy Hoysa Hoysala, drives through the town.
Upstreet & downstreet, wearing a frown.
Knocking down the singers,
And closing down the bars.
Are all the adults in their beds? It’s past 11 o’clock.

Coming soon (hopefully with some relevant stuff) – Part 3. Suggestions are welcome.

Disclaimer : Any resemblance that the silly events described in these childish rhymes have to the deliberate, statesmanlike actions of our esteemed leaders is obviously co-incidental. Also, please do not try this at school.

Firstly, there is this new epidemic – human flu – which has been scything through Pigland. As of date, no less than 17 pigs have been exterminated by this dreaded disease. The health ministry of Pigland is declaring emergency measures to combat this scourge. When it was pointed out that 17 is no big deal, that over 100 million pigs are slaughtered in the USA alone every year, he indignantly retorted, “Please do not cast these pearls of wisdom before a swine like me. This is a big health issue. We live in unhygenic surroundings. In gutters and like. No wonder we are referred to as ‘Sewer Ke Bacche’. So we have to do something. But don’t worry, there is a bacon of hope. A new drug can save you. One pork and you’ll be fine.” Meanwhile, the worried denizens of Pigland are roaming around the streets wearing masks. Which they only remove to dig their snout into some tasty garbage.

And then there was the case of the Big Ham. This ham is a huge star in Pigland and is referred to as the King of Pollywood. As such, he is used to getting salami from everyone. Now when the big ham visited Pig Apple, nobody there knew that he was a Very Important Pandhi. So they grilled him (without marination) for a couple of hours. Perhaps the customs there are different from the customs here. Same with immigration. But Big Ham didn’t like it at all. All his grunting & squealing was picked up by the media and he hogged the headlines yet again. He now says that he won’t even be sausaged by an apology.

And the third big event was the release of a book. From what we know, the book is quite a boar, but a big furore was created about some past leaders. Everyone wondered what the fuss was about. After all, we pigs are much more interested in today’s dinnah than yesterday’s Jinnah. But the lard & master of the author’s party expelled him unceremoniously. This has led to a huge rift in the party and the media is again having a field day with ample material for programs like ‘The Pig Fight’. Some states are banning the book, while in others, sales are zooming. So the author seems to be quite happy. He sowed and is now reaping.

In effect, there is unnecessary panic, uncalled-for indignation and undesirable friction in Pigland. All caused by the media, who ensure that every hog has its hay. That’s all for this week. Oink you folks.

Disclaimer : Pigland is a figment of my porcine imagination. It is just my shift from being punny to being panni.

Picture Credits : Here, here and here.

With Congress continuing to have congress with the public, BJP neither helping the Bharatiya Janata nor allowing anybody to Party, and thinking having left all leftist thinkers, the time seems ripe for a new formation.

In walks Narendra Modi in a spotless kurta-pajama and Lalit Modi in a spotted tie and his (only?) grey suit. There’s an eager silence as Lalit Modi unfolds a (thankfully) small piece of paper and reads from it…

I, Lalit Modi & he, Narendra Modi, have realized that we are India’s most capable administrators. We have, therefore, decided to launch a new political party – Modisattva. The party will work for peace, prosperity & high TRPs. I hereby declare the Modisattva party open. Any questions folks?

Reporter : Hi, I’m from the Pioneer, so I’ll ask the first question, heh heh. So, Mr. Modi, why have you decided to leave the BJP? And you Mr. Lalit Modi. Why are you leaving the IPL?

Narendra Modi : Well, for a party that calls itself right-wing, the BJP is getting too many things wrong. Our terrorism plank backfired. We tried Ram and got rammed. In fact, the elections results were such a joke that the party is now in splits. I believe it’s time to move on.

Lalit Modi : As for me, I’ve not really left the IPL. After all Mr. Narendra Modi here is Indian and he wants to be a Premier who’s in a League of his own. So it’s all the same thing. Basically, I’m a Commissioner. Where there is commission, there there is Modi.

R : Narendrabhai, isn’t Lalit Modi a strange choice of partner?

NM : Of course not. Gandhi said, “First the ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you’ve won.” Currently most people ridicule Lalit and fight me. So we’ve nearly won.

A reporter behind a veil (used to be a reporter behind a wail) : I’m Burqaah Dutt from SOB TV. How do you feel after riots resulted in so many deaths while you were CM? Will people ever feel safe under you?

NM (dismissively) : Please. The riots were just an isolated event.

LM : And my events were an absolute riot. Hehe.

NM : All these accusations are just media fabrications. When I run this country, I’ll ensure that people aren’t given wrong information about such happenings. As the people’s representative, I’ll ensure that there are no misprepresentations. All riots in the future will be scheduled so that they get maximum TV coverage. Everybody will get to see the truth unfold. We call it Prime Time Pogromming.

LM : Unscheduled riots will be rare. We shall have bunches of people armed with sticks in every city and village. They will break out into a menacing dance whenever there is a sign of any trouble. You could call them fearleaders. Now, that should help keep the peace.

Lalit Modi smugly steps out to smoke a quick strategy break.

R : Er… what about external threats?

NM : Tell me, once we devote enough attention to terrorizing our own people, why would terrorists even bother coming here? Like James Bond, they will decide to live and LeT die.

Burqaah Dutt leaves the room in tears and another reporter takes over.

R : This is Eugene from DNA. You said there would be prosperity along with peace. What steps do you propose to take towards this?

NM : We will have a two pronged strategy – Sops for the rich and credit for the poor. All industries will be given tax breaks, and subsidized land. Some people may call such a strategy an ana-crony-ism but I say – you can’t lather up the economy without some sop.

R : What about the poor people then? Won’t you be taking away their land?

NM : What do they need land for? I’ll give them money. Easy credit will be made available through a new financial institution called the Votebank of India. They can freely borrow and spend. And before every election, I’ll waive off the loans. In this way, I will be unwavering in my principles and waivering in my actions.

Lalit Modi returns, takes his place and surveys the gathering with a grin.

LM : We’ll thus have Citi moments of success as well as Village moments of success.

R : This is Mani from Economic Times. If you give sops to the industrialists and free credit to the poor, won’t the nation go broke? Owning a Mint doesn’t necessarily make money, as our rivals in HT found out. Where will the money for all this come from?

LM : Let me answer this one. Advertising is the key. We will raise money through sponsorships. Everything will be sponsored and branded. States, cities, mountains, rivers whatever. In any case, we keep making meaningless changes to the names of our cities. I say, let’s make it meaningful. So we’ll have Viagrajasthan, Zandu Balmbay, Raybangalore, Playwindhyas & Digjamuna. The map of India will look like Times Square. This is what I call ad-ministration. In rural areas, even people will be branded. Kissan, for instance, has evinced interest in branding every single farmer. After all, our constitution does talk about universal adult franchise.

R : This is Tara, from Society. What about social freedom. Do you plan to continue BJPs rather draconian policies on morality, censorship, etc.?

NM : Listen, you are all children of the state. And like any parent, the state wants to keep you innocent, obedient and compliant. I’m a pop who won’t let you paap. Liberty, Equality & Fraternity are all things of the past. We believe in Sobriety, Conformity & Paternity. Remember we are a Republic, not a Reprivate. So public opinion will rule over private preferences. And I represent the public. So my private thoughts become public policy, and my public pronouncements control private behaviour and… errr (confusedly), Lalit, do you want to add to this one…

LM : But not to worry, do what you like. All digressions will be punished only by fines. We call it the Cash for Sins scheme. Live it up, but pay up. This is our fine formula which we are currently er… refining.

R : I’m Chittaranjan Dash from Telegraph, so I’ll keep my question short. What about foreign policy?

NM : Look, as a country we were left-aligned, tried to get right-aligned, and pretended to be centre-aligned or in fact, non-aligned. Nothing has worked, so we will try out the only alignment remaining – justified. We’ll do what we want and justify it later. Truly out-of-the-box thinking. In a box setting.

R : This is E.V.R. Reddy from DC. As I’ve chronicled so far, you have promised sops for the rich, dole for the poor, private sponsorship of public property, and public control of private life. And all this with justification. Interesting. So how do you plan to promote this party?

NM : I will traverse the length and breadth of this country. I’ll reach the heights of oratory & plunge the depths of morality. Everywhere I’ll kindle public anger by ranting about the ills of the current government. In a sense, it’ll be series of rave parties. Which will be done in a Wrath Yatra.

LM : This Wrath Yatra, will be capsuled and telecast as a reality show – The MTV Modis. We will also extensively use the internet. With the number of bans we plan to impose, taking banners is quite easy for us. And like Ayodhya, we’ll also do a few site-captures. The funds for these will come from our corporate cronies, who will help us with our hoardings.

NM : That’s all for the time being folks. As you see, we have a dream. Of a country with fast-paced growth. Supported by sponsorship. Let me assure you, no stone will be left unthrown, in our quest for peace, prosperity & high-TRPs.

LM : Yes. You could say, our vision for India is 20-20.

Disclaimer – This post is entirely fictitious. It contains not a modi-cum of truth. But who knows. The two fictional gentlemen do share a common love for autocracy, intolerance & big business.

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Ramalinga Raju on Trial, Shivraj Patil & Sardar Patel, Manmohan Singh calling Customer Service, and Ramadoss meeting Devadoss.

THE HOPEFULS

HAND – The symbol of the Congress is the Hand. Or more precisely, the palm. Or even more precisely, an open palm. That is waiting to be greased. The five fingers represent the five guiding principles of the party – To keep entrepreneurship under its Thumb. Thus pushing up the consumer price Index after which they can announce sops. To occupy the Middle ground on all issues thereby staying clear of any principles. To Ring up Sonia before making any decision. And to pander to every Little whim of all their coalition partners. The Hand is intended to subliminally indicate that any parliament with too little Congressmen will behave in an underhand manner. Unfortunately, an excess of seats makes them high-handed. The party ran out of partners before the election and thus had no choice but to use its Hand.

LOTUS – There is little need to deconstruct the BJP, because they are pretty good at it themselves (like they demonstrated in Ayodhya). But let’s try anyway. The BJP uses the Lotus as a symbol – A desperate plea for power that goes, “Lotus rule. Please Lotus rule.” They have been attempting to polarize the majority against the minorities. Simply because there are a LOTofUS. Organizations like the RSS, VHP & Bajrang Dal are the leaves of this Lotus, that seem detached on the surface, but are strongly connected at the root. Like the flower, they thrive in murky ponds but try to come out looking good. These days they are into the Swadeshi trip which is surprising, what with their symbol being a Corolla. They might find it difficult to win, because a lot of people consider them to be a bunch of old Phools.

ELEPHANT – The elephant is the symbol of BSP. The animal is sometimes called pachyderm, which means thick-skinned. It is big, powerful and quite comfortable in jungles. The party is led by Mayawati who is seen to be a hard tuskmaster. She lives up to her symbol. She consumes enormous resources (stored in trunks in her house), remembers every slight, tramples over rivals and generally throws her weight around. The elephant has no natural predators but is quite vulnerable to poaching. Personally, Ivory about our country if the elephant comes to power.

BICYCLE – The SP is symbolized by the bicycle. They hope to affect the balance of power. In this world of cars and planes, the Bicycle is the symbol of those who oppose science & progress in the guise of promoting human labour. The Bicycle usually has only one or two seats. In fact, there’s a circus (in UP) where one can see an Elephant riding a Bicycle. Like, the Bicycle, the SP can be bought pretty easily. It is freely available though sometimes expensive. They don’t have much hope of coming to power, but they know that. They are just a bunch of pedallers.

HAMMER & SICKLE – The communists are represented by this combination. Both the objects can be used as weapons – a sharp object that can scythe the opposition or a blunt object that can pulverize dissent. Now that Jyothi Basu is too Sickley, Prakash Karat has become the chief Hammer. The symbol is supposed to represent labour & farmers. So the party tries its best to keep the farmers labouring and the labourers, well, labouring. They pretend to be intellectuals (they are well, red) but they rule their state with an iron hand. Poor Bengal. They have a choice between getting hacked and getting nailed.

THE HOPELESS

LANTERN – Symbol of RJD. Useful if one has a shortage of power. Provided it is adequately fuelled. By doing nothing towards progress, the party ensured that every home in Bihar needed their symbol.

ALARM CLOCK – Used by NCP. Ticks along unobtrusively most of the time, but screeches uncontrollably once in five years. A sharp knock on its head should shut it down. Or atleast ensure that they snooze for a while.

RISING SUN – An apt symbol for DMK. Stands for Stalin & Azhagiri, who are the rising suns (of Karunanidhi). In addition Azhagiri is a mafia dawn in Madurai.

TWO LEAVES – The symbol of AIADMK, or more appropriately, of its leader, Jayalalitha. Supposed to indicate that Amma is double the person that other leaders are. After all, Eve needed only one leaf.

WOMAN CARRYING A BUNDLE OF HAY – The Gowda party, JD(S) has this symbol. A symbol of opportunism. The party makes hay while the sun shines and is a great burden on common people.

FLOWERS – The Trinamool Congress is represented by a flower. It flows from one alliance to the next. Hence a flower. Mortal enemy of the Sickle but usually gets the worse of the exchanges.

Well, that covers most of the buyers and sellers of this election. I only wish that the election commission had allowed this candidate to use a picture of Aishwarya Rai as his symbol. That would have been worth deconstructing.

Anyway, now that we have arrived at a basic understanding of our parties, we can closely look at the alliances that will soon be formed. In my opinion the Hand will pick up the Alarm Clock, and ride to power on a Cycle (decorated with Flowers), basking in the warmth of the Rising Sun. But the power will be quite useless because there will be a Sickle & Hammer behind their back at all times. While the Lotus fades, the Lantern is extinguished and the Elephant eats the Leaves. And the Poor Woman continues to carry Hay.

Disclaimer : The above analysis has as much truth as the party manifestos. Nevertheless, it has been published only after polling is completed so that the Election Commission doesn’t accuse the author of influencing the election. After all, in our country, the voter has to be shielded from the influence of exit polls, debates & issues.  It’s called voting in vacuum.

Instead, in true swadeshi style, let’s institute our own Bharatiya Oscars – The Bhaskars. After all, in India, drama, action & comedy aren’t confined to the movies. They are played out in glorious 3-D in all aspects of our life. So here is my list for the 2008 Bhaskars…

Best Story – A Deputy CM demonstrates his adherence to the law by falling in love with a former assistant advocate general. Unfortunately he already has a wife. The Hindu lovers become a Muslim couple – Chand Mohammed & Fiza. Once he has got into her Nikaahs, he decides to go back to his first wife. Fiza attempts suicide, accuses him of rape, and his family of occult practices but Chand is unmoved. He divorces her through SMS and she gets a role in a Bollywood movie. For this fascinating saga involving politics, law, love, religion, crime, horror, glamour & technology, the Bhaskar Award for Best Story goes to Chander Mohan a.k.a. Chand Mohammed for “Fiza Ke Liye”.

Best Screenplay – A bunch of plutocrats indulge in a decadent auction. The auction ends. The action begins. Chargers run out of power. Fancied teams are Royally Challenged. Vijay Mallya sulks. Preity Zinta hugs some Kings. Shahrukh hugs Shoaib. Vijay Mallya sulks. Cheerleaders entertain the crowds. Shiv Sena sulks. Mumbai crowds get folk dancers instead. Harbhajan behaves like a Silly Bhajji. Sreesanth sobs. Preity Zinta hugs him. Vijay Mallya sulks. Akshay Kumar lands in a chopper. Set Max shows a billion ads. Shane Warne leads the most unfancied team to the trophy. Everybody is happy. Except Mallya, that is. For a heady cocktail of money, glamour & action and for ensuring that everybody shamelessly played for the screen, the Bhaskar Award for Screenplay goes to Lalit Modi for “Paisa Bhi Hota Hai”.

Best Music/Song – It was composed by the Songh Parivar and performed by the Ram Sena. Strongly influenced by the Culture Club, it is a lilting malady. The artists used thumping beats and indulged in serious head-banging. It played in many pubs and hit the top of the charts on Valentines day. The Bhaskar for Best Music goes to Pramod Muthalik for his message to youth – “Hurry Home Hurry”.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role – He didn’t want the responsibility of being the star, but played a significant role in the development of the plot. He played the perfect counterfoil to the government. i.e. He countered every move and foiled every plan. For a scintillating performance in which he acted as if he supported the government, the Bhaskar Award for Best Supporting Actor goes to Prakash Karat for “Chowringee Lane to China.

Best Editing – A good script can completely collapse if it is not cut to perfection. A shining example was the Olympic Telecast. An unconventional editing technique was used whereby all interesting action was cut. The audience had to imagine the action by seeing the prize distribution. DD, like any good editor, took us, the audience, on an emotional rollercoaster ride. We wept when rowing was shown instead of gymnastics. We cursed when athletics was cut in favour of Greco-Roman wrestling. We laughed at the “expert analysis”. And we were inspired everytime we saw Vijender punch the air to the tune of Chak De India. Live telecast was transformed by radical editing into a dead telecast. The Bhaskar for Best Editing goes to Doordarshan for “Dekh Sake Tho Dekh Lo”.

Best Costumes – His authority may have been loose but his collar was buttoned. His policies rankled but his sleeve was creased. His words were meaningless and few. For he was a man of Achkan. He faced diplomats with polish (on his shoes) and terrorists with boldness (in his checks). For bathing us in his sartorial splendour, the Bhaskar Award for Best Costumes goes to Shivraj Patil for “Dhoti, Kapda aur Makaan”.

Best Action – He asked for Maa Ki Dal, but got into trouble. He prayed for Man-ki Shakti. And-drew Symonds’ rage. Everybody told him to shut up. So, like Hellen Keller, he decided to let his hands do the talking. His opportunity came when a team-mate showed some cheek on the field. He responded to the cheek with some slapstick comedy. Unfortunately nobody found it funny and he had to face a suspension with disbelief. For a resounding performance that brought tears to the eyes of Sreesanth, the Bhaskar Award for Action goes to Harbhajan Singh for “Thappad Phad Ke”.

Best Actor in a Leading Role – He was over 70 years old, but willing to take up a leading role. Surrounded by friends who were actually enemies and enemies who were actually, well, enemies, he sailed his way with indifferent elan. There were bombs, controversies, recesisions, betrayals, and general pandemonium but he responded to everything with studied, emotionless, underplay. A thoroughly professional actor, he listened to every single thing, his directorji told him. For a convincing performance of acting as if he was leading the country, The Bhaskar Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role, goes to Manmohan for the highly ornamental role he played in “Singh is Bling”.

Best Director – This year, the award goes to not a mere director but a managing director. It’s a story of one man against society. Of a man who defied conventions. A man who fought for his principles. Accounting principles, that is. Who believed that books are not salads to be left uncooked. Who fought against the norm that employees should have a corporeal presence. Who refused to hear his conscience because he had some Auditory problems. It’s a saga of human dreams that would have enraptured even Sigmund Fraud. The best director of the year goes to Ramalinga Raju for “Scamasutra”.

Best Picture – A magnum opus for which 552 villains were assembled (unfortunately, there was no money left-over for heroes). By any stretch of imagination it is the longest movie ever made – 5 years approximately. It’s a movie with no story but lots of plots – devious plots. It’s a fluid script with many actors staging walk-outs. There is no action but lot of motion(s). And commotion. With over 500 people shouting concurrently, the audio levels were so high that even the Speaker packed up. The movie had a message. That while the country is forced into socialism, the parliament operates as a free-market. For 5 entertaining years of bedlam, the Bhaskar Awards for the Best Picture goes to the 14th Lok Sabha for “Chor Machaye Shor.”

Lifetime Acievement – The one actor who never seems to leave the stage is Deve Gowda. He has had a rich career in which he has acted in numerous mega-hits. He played the indifferent CM with a profit motive in “No Aankhen Bara Haath”. He captured the spirit of a villager who fluked his way to Delhi in “Ragi Ban Gaya Gentleman”. He portrayed the social worker who opposed infra-structure in “Viroadi”. And a million other such roles. He has a wealth of experience and now an experience of wealth. For amassing an incredible amount of er… wisdom in one lifetime, the Bhaskar Award for Lifetime Achievement goes to Deve Gowda.

That wraps up the 2008 Bhaskars folks. Do send in nominations for 2009.

Disclaimer : All characters and events mentioned above are purely a figment of the petrified author’s imagination.
A marked resemblance (pointed out by PM) in the name of the awards to Christy Bharath’s initiative to spoof the Oscar winners is completely unintended and remarkably coincidental.

Manmohan Singh must be having a tough time priming so many ministers. Take a look at this. As of now there are 49 ministries & 2 departments being handled by him & 38 other ministers. Plus 40 Ministers of State (without independent charge). It’s time to trim. Here is a way to ensure that our cabinet bears less resemblance to a walk-in wardrobe…

1. The Ministry for Women & Child Development will be brought under the Home Ministry, which will then be renamed the Home & Hearth Ministry. After all, Indian Culture says that a woman’s place is in her home. The ‘food’ portfolio will also be brought under the Home & Hearth ministry, because within home, a woman’s place is specifically in the kitchen. Pramod Muthalik will run this ministry. And given his concerns about youth, the Ministry of Youth Affairs will also come in here. So will the Ministry of Environment & Forests. After all, Muthalik is well versed in jungle law.

2. The Ministry of Health will be merged with the Ministry of Culture as both are about bans & compulsions. Ramadoss remains the ideal man to run this. Consumer Affairs might as well come in here because he anyway keeps poking his nose into it. And Public Grievances will be a good addition as Ramadoss gives a lot of grief to the public. And finally, the Ministry of Statistics because he is, well, mean.

3. Our tribal belt is more or less controlled by naxalites (with whom we even have ceasefires once in a while). The Ministry of External Affairs will therefore take over the Ministry of Tribal Affairs. And for the same reason, the Ministry for Development of the North Eastern Region too. Mamata Bannerjee will take over this portfolio. She may not know much about tribes but is wonderful at diatribe.

4. Our national defence appears to largely constitute of words, threats, accusations & codemnations. The I&B Ministry will therefore be brought under the aegis of the Defence Ministry. Kalyan Singh can head this because he currently seems to be sitting on de-fence. He will also be given the Ministry of Petroleum to fuel rumours. And the Ministry of Textiles to effect cover-ups. Kalyan will get the added responsibility of Sports because he seems to show some potential in the triple-jump.

5. The Ministry of HRD and the Ministry for Social Justice & Empowerment are euphemisms for imposing reservation. They will hence be subsumed into the Ministry for Railways. Lalu can continue to head this as he is …er…well-trained.

6. The Ministry of Power will become a giant ministry. Parliamentary Affairs will be added to it, as political power is the only kind of power that is available in this country. And once Parliamentary Affairs is added, Natural Gas obviously comes in. Our government is usually formed by parties with no majority. Hence Minority Affairs is added here. And the constant rifts & alliances make this the logical place for the fission & fusion of the Dept. of Atomic Energy. This mega-ministry can, however, lead to megalomania. So Sharad Pawar will run it. He has a reassuring name that sounds like ‘shared power’.

7. In line with the various subsidies, sops & waivers, the Ministry of Finance will now also include Public Distribution (or redistribution, to be precise). The Ministry of Steel will be renamed the Ministry of Steal, and added to this portfolio. The Ministry of Mines will also be brought in here. In any case, whatever we earn, the FM thinks, “It’s mine.” Ramalinga Raju will be put in charge of this ministry because he is an expert in…er…‘creating’ wealth.

8. The Ministry of Agriculture shall merge with the Ministry for Water Resources and the Ministry for Chemicals & Fertilizers. After all our farmers need water for their crops to drink and chemicals for er… themselves. Indra Nooyi can be invited to run this. Her stint in Pepsi has given her great understanding of sugar, water & pesticides.

9. The Ministry of Tourism and the Ministry of Housing & Urban Poverty Alleviation will be merged. After all, a lot of the urban poor are currently staying in our monuments. Noting the fact that more people visit Infosys than Taj Mahal, Narayanmoorthy will assume charge of this ministry. And because of that, we shall also bung in the Ministry of Science & Technology as well as the Ministry of Communication & IT. May he bring ROM Rajya to our country.

10. The Ministry of Shipping, Road Transport & Highways and the Ministry for Civil Aviation will be brought under The Ministry for Overseas Indian Affairs. This is because, if an Indian wants to see roads, highways or some civility in aviation, he has to go overseas anyway. Sonia Gandhi will run this augmented Ministry of Overseas Indian Affairs because she even married an overseas Indian.

11. The Ministry for Urban Development with be merged with Ministry for Food Processing Industries because all our cities are one big jam. Deve Gowda can head this one and continue to put us all in a pickle. The Ministry of Space will be added here because he has a lot of it (between his ears). Deve Gowda will also get the Ministry for Rural Development because he has painstakingly converted many cities into rural areas.

12. The Ministry for Commerce & Industry will be made part of the Ministry for Micro, Small & Medium Enterprises. This is because our government diligently ensures that all our industries stay small & medium. Prakash Karat will run this ministry because he has the right attitude – he views every growth as a cancer. The Ministry of Labour & Employment will be added here to help him push his agenda. And the Ministry of Pensions because a lot of people wish that Karat took his and retired.

13. The Ministry for Heavy Industries & Public Enterprises will now also include the Ministry of Planning. This would enable them to do some heavy planning with little industry. The Ministry of Personnel will be added here because our public enterprises have a lot of public but no enterprise. Vijay Mallya will run this as he his very heavy and very public.

14. We often wonder why on earth we are still harping on Panchayat Raj. So it is logical to merge the Ministry for Panchayat Raj with the Ministry of Earth Sciences. Raj Thackeray can run this because he could also be called Punch-ayat Raj. And he is good at slinging mud. A true son of the soil.

15. There are a few things that we completely lack today but we fondly wish we had sometime in the future. Like wind power, solar power & justice. These will be clubbed into one Ministry. Comprising what was previously the Ministry for New & Renewable Energy and the Ministry for Law & Justice. Bejan Daruwala will run this futuristic ministry.

Phew. Finally we are down to just 15 ministries. This honest, simplified structure would make our government leaner and enable them to become meaner.

Oops, I forgot about the Ministry of Coal. Let’s close it down and transfer its responsibilities to the Election Commissioner Navin Chawla. After all, he’s constantly answering nature’s coal.

Disclaimer : Obviously this is fictional. Look at the title. How can anything that has rational & government in the same sentence be true? After all, if we demand rationality from politicians, they’ll ask us to try the ration shop.

The elections are getting closer and closer. Parties have made their guest-lists. They are preparing their manifestoes and their bullet-points. People are talking Ram & stocking rum. Old leaders are trying to make news. While new candidates are making old noises. In all this buzz, here are some more suggestions for quick, snappy, speeches…

Sanjay Dutt - Oy there. Vote for me, ok. I want to be PM. My career started in a Rocky manner. But I soon made a Naam for myself. The Mumbai Blasts were a Kaante in my flesh because people thought I had made our Dushman into my Saajan. So I was called Khalnayak and kept in Kabzaa for possessing Hathyaar. But now I’m back with a Dhamaal. I fail to understand why, just because I’m a movie star, I’ve become the Dutt of all jokes. Believe me, I’m a man of deep conviction – 6 years to be precise. So vote for me and vote for a muscular India. Sanjay ka Haath, Arm Aadmi ke Saath.

Mamata Banerjee – Farmers, and former farmers. This is your Didi standing before you asking for your vote. These industrialists want your land to set up plants. What for I say? Don’t farmers anyway grow plants? Industry? Na, no, never. I will ban progress. After all, people respectfully call me Bannerjee. Your Didi will make a great PM. With the constant terrorist threat, we need a PM capable of ordering surgical strikes. Or even, if necessary, a nuclear strike. And I am a veteran of strikes. Auto strike, lawyer strike and so on. So vote for me and let us restore Farm Rajya in this country.

Raj Thackeray - Manoos & er.. womanoos. Make me PM and I promise to protect our borders. I’ll ban everything Pakistani. Singers, sportsmen, jugglers. Movies like Pakeezah. Sweets like Mysore Pak. Even games like Pakman. You see, by eliminating all peaceful visitors, we can attack any Pakistani on the street because he, then, must be a terrorist. Of course, if he’s armed, we’ll let our Bhaiyyas in NSG handle it. I’ll spread Marathi around India, signboard by signboard. Marathi is music to my ears and I love music. Especially violence. And sometimes, I play the loot. I am well educated, in the famous Goon School, where I studied the work of the poet Burns. Unlike my uncle, I have Bals. So please vote for me and send me to Delhi. Or else, I’ll remain in Mumbai.

Barkha Dutt - You the people. I request you to vote me in as PM. This nation is floating meaninglessly. It needs an anchor. Like me. I will not treat politics as a business. I’ll make it personal. Very personal. I will personally investigate every terror attack and fearlessly interrogate the er… victims. I’ll have no secrets and I’ll ensure that our nation too has none. After all, even terrorists count in the TRPs, don’t they? I’ll cajole our industrialists to ensure that our economy is sensational. I’ll add melodrama to parliamentary proceedings thus making it prime-time viewing. I beg you for your vote. So, please vote for me. Or I’ll cry.

Considering I’ve plunged down to people like Barkha Dutt, I guess its time to end this series. Unless some fresh jokers enter politics.

Disclaimer : The above speeches are pure fiction. So it does not purport to represent the state of Indian politics, which is more about friction, factions & infractions.

Public Prosecutor (gravely courteous) : Would you prefer to remain standing or would you rather sit down?

Ramalinga Raju : Oh, I’ll sit down. This might be a witness stand, but I am a chairman. Heehee.

PP : You have been accused of serious corporate fraud. Do you plead guilty or not guilty.

RR : Actually, I am golti. But, to answer your question, not guilty.

A startled gasp runs through the courtroom.

PP : Not guilty??? Do you actually deny that you falsified the books to show inflated results?

RR : No. No. I admit to that. What I mean to say is that, there was no intention to defraud. I was merely running my company along Web 2.0 lines. Including the accounting. You could call it Accounting 2.0.

PP (looking a bit out of his depth) : Er…. Could you elaborate.

RR : You see, the buzz-phrase these days is the social web. Where the power of crowds is used to create and refine content. That is Web 2.0. So, with my Accounting 2.0, I was being social, not anti-social.

PP (sarcastically) : Thanks for the tutorial. But what does this have to do with Satyam?

RR : My company had enough of writing programs, providing services and shopping bodies. So I decided to move with the times.

PP : And how exactly is declaring false revenues, “moving with the times”?

RR : In the early part of my life, I had been a hard-working entrepreneur who used to slog to get revenues. But I decided to have an easier, better SecondLife. So my revenues were just an experiment in Virtual Reality.

PP : Hmm, interesting. And does that justify cooking the books?

RR : Well, I did cook them in such a way that they were deli.co.us. And people were ready to Digg in. As long as my books are popular, who cares if some critics like SEBI object. In fact, the Satyam books were bestsellers in the fiction section of Amazon. You could call it Long Tale Economics.

PP : But your balance sheet was blatantly false.

RR (dreamily) : What is true? What is false? That is so 1.0. In today’s world, truth is what the crowd says it is. Constantly shifting but eternally true. My books, you see, were a Wiki.

PP (thunders) : Sir, I think you are just hiding behind a façade of self righteous philosophy. Didn’t you effectively loot the public?

RR : Sure I did. In fact, I’m proud to say that I’m a Flickr.

PP : You know, just for that admission, I can throw the book at you.

RR : And I will face it. I have spent a lot of time in Facebook. Look, you can’t do much to me. I have a great social network. My status has been constantly updated. Higher and higher.

PP : But if you were held in such high regard, why get into this mess?

RR : Well, people were always poking me. So I decided to poke them all back.

PP : All this is fine. What I don’t understand is how your auditors never caught on.

RR (mockingly) : What, that PWC crowd? I knew they wouldn’t StumbleUpon anything. They are just a bunch of Tweets.

The crowd twitters in mirth.

PP : So do you really expect to get away in spite of all that you have done.

RR : Oh No. The health minister can have me banned because with all this 2.0 stuff, I have spread a social disease. Everybody in this room has it. It’s called SIFYlis.

Pandemonium breaks out in the courtroom. The judge bangs his gavel for order. Case adjourned. The spectators quietly disperse avoiding contact with one another.

Disclaimer : All characters in this trial are as fictitious as Satyam’s profits.
References : Second Life, Deli.co.us, Digg, StumbleUpon, Flickr, Wikipedia, Facebook & Twitter are all up there leading the Web 2.0 revolution.
Update : I’ve subsequently found out that Satyam exited SIFY a few years back. So I guess I shouldn’t have dragged SIFY into this article. But then, if you really look at it, I shouldn’t have dragged all the other companies in either.

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Lalit Modi & Narendra Modi,  Shivraj Patil & Sardar Patel, Manmohan Singh calling Customer Service, and Ramadoss meeting Devadoss.

Based on “Jack & Jill.”

Lalu & Rabri could pay any bill,
As they’d made a pile on fodder.
But Lalu fell down and lost his crown,
And Rabri ruled Bihar thereafter.

Based on “Rain, Rain Go Away.”

Rane, Rane go away.
Come again another day.
Ashok Chavan wants to play,
Rane, Rane go away.

Based on “Mary had a Little Lamb.”

Sonia had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb.
Sonia had a little lamb, whose turban was always blue.
Whatever that Sonia said, Sonia said, Sonia said.
Whatever that Sonia said, the lamb was sure to do.

Based on “Hot Cross Buns.”

Oft cause bans. Oft cause bans.
Anbumani, Anbumani,
Will oft cause bans.
If it’s not for smoking,
It’ll be for eating junk.
But Anbumani, Anbumani,
Will oft cause bans.

Based on “I’m a Little Teapot.”

I’m the MNS despot, every law I flout.
These are my thugs and this is my snout.
When I get steamed up, hear me shout.
But when there’s real trouble, count me out.

More to come. In Part 2 – here.

Disclaimer : This post does not claim to be a description of real people and events. It is just childish nonsense. Like our you-know-whos.

If you have read Part 1, this will probably still make no sense. But then, when did our leaders ever make any? Read on…

Vijay Mallya – Dear guests, I’m here to promise you Rum Rajya. Eight years back, a friend of mine invited me to join a party. I completely misunderstood him and…well…so here I am. Vote for me and let the good times roll. I’ll fill government with Diplomats to deal with the Romanovs and McDowells. The army will be equipped as per the Officers’ Choice and every terrorist will be quart. The economy will thus get a boozed and you can enjoy it with just-ice. The country will fly, our flag will be high and no bad laws will be passed. Because, whenever a bill is presented in parliament, I’ll just refuse to pay it. I be PM. UB happy.

Laloo – Brothers, sisters, mothers & fodders, thank you for grazing this occasion. Do you want cowards to rule you? Or cow-herds. My steely vision, SIMIan intelligence and Rabri morals made me a great minister. I got the trains moo-ing. My loco-ness and my motives ensured many new locomotives. I planned to introduce 49.5% reservation in trains, but I found that it was already 100%. I promise to milk the economy, and ensure that the GDP will gobar 10%. I’ll be friends with Sarkozy. After all La-loo means ‘French toilet’. Udder countries will be faced with cud missiles. So make me PM and you’ll have no beef.

Karunanidhi – Tamizhargale. When I was a child, my teacher made me write, “Mein hamesha sacch bolunga” a hundred times as punishment. Since then, I have been against any imposition of Hindi. Make me PM, and I’ll introduce the two-language formula – Tamil and C++. But, I’m not a regional leader. We are just very keen to keep Rahul Dravid in the Indian team. Hence DMK and the Dravidian movement. I promise a kind government. We will work to “Save the Tiger”. Of every kind. Culture will flourish. Books like Sivagami, crafts like Origami and arts like er… polygamy. So vote for me. Let the sun rise (and my son too).

Prakash Karat – Comrades, I stand before you as a product of China with the flavour of India. A bit like Paneer Manchurian. I’ve had a sweet-sour relationship with you but I promise that if you make me PM, I’ll fulfill all your needs and Wontons. Peking into the future, I see a country with compulsory education – everyone will be well, red. Your land, wealth, possessions (in fact everything except information) will be made public. Because, in Mao opinion, people should be equal and poverty should be spread equally. So vote for me and go for the Karat. Or would you prefer the stick?

Link to Part 3 with more regional rabble. Am open to suggestions.

Disclaimer : All characters above are not merely fictional. They are stranger than fiction.

Suddenly there is a flash, and there appears in front of him a bald man with a Ferrous expression. Shivraj notices that the apparition is clad in crude, homespun clothes which are disturbingly crumpled.

Shivraj Patil (raising his eyebrows) : And who might you be oh ill-dressed man?

Vallabhai Patel (sonorously) : I am the spirit of Sardar Patel. The first home minister of independent India. I have come to rebuke you on your terrible performance in the same role.

SP : Fiddledeedee. You are talking through your hat. I have comported myself with dignity, decorum and dandiness. I was a much better home-minister than you ever were.

VP (aghast) : What?! I’ll have you know sir, that I united the country.

SP : Yeah yeah. So did I. Read the papers. Watch TV. Every single person has called for my resignation. Isn’t that true unity?

VP : Well, …er… but people adored me. I was called the Iron Man of India.

SP : Teehee, I too am an Iron man. Check the crisp crease that I have achieved on my sleeve.

VP : C’mon, you know what I mean. Where would Junagadh & Hyderabad be without me?

SP : And where would Gwalior be without me. And er… Raymonds & Vimal.

VP : You know the problem with you? You’re pathetic in a crisis. Why did you reach Cama Hospital so late, that the terrorists got impatient and left?

SP (shiftily) : Oh, I had ..um.. pressing… matters to attend to. Some details had to be.. ah.. ironed out. I had to consult the rest of my wardrobe.. I mean cabinet. So I was a bit delayed.

VP : Seriously, can you tell me, why do you have this obsession with clothes?

SP : Look. Gandhi said something like, “Be the change that you want to see.” I just follow his advice. Sometimes thrice in one hour. Especially if there is some mudslinging going on.

VP : Ok. Ok. Leave your clothes aside. Why didn’t you carry out Mohammad Afzal’s execution?

SP : Like you, I was waiting for instructions from a Gandhi. They screamed, “Hang him.” I said, “Hang on.” (which incidentally is an anagram of Sonia Gandhi)

VP : Leave Afzal. What about all the other terrorists? Why are you so soft on them?

SP (indignantly) : Who said that I was soft on them? Soon after taking up office, I announced that I was ready for meaningful intercourse with the terrorists. Which is just a dignified way of saying that I will f… you know what I mean… like have Congress with them. (Shakes his head) I’m a much misunderstood man.

VP : Oh spare me your tears. I shudder to think that you nearly became the President of India.

SP (wistfully) : Ah. A ceremonial job. I’d have been good at that. Such jobs really appeal to my pansy.

VP : Oh I’ve had enough of your inanities. Obviously I was the better home minister.

SP : Excuse me. Let’s sort this out once and for all. I’m the best home minister India ever had. Simply because, I ensured that people stayed at home. You see, they were too scared to step out. “Home” minister. Get it. Teeheehee (prods Patel). So, go rust in peace, oh iron man.

Sardar Patel is crestfallen. He vanishes in a puff of smoke. Shivraj looks around nervously, in case Ramadoss got a whiff of the puff, and carries on walking. Whistling “Hurry Home Hurry.”

Disclaimer : The ghost of Sardar Patel is as fictional as superman, spiderman and Shivraj’s spine.
Additional Reading : A list of Patil’s gaffes (Economic Times).

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Lalit Modi & Narendra Modi, Ramalinga Raju on Trial, Manmohan Singh calling Customer Service, and Ramadoss meeting Devadoss.