Everybody knew what the questions would be. The usual stuff – Pakistan, terrorism, inflation, Naxals, corruption, Rahul, Sonia, and so on.

And everybody knew that there would be no real answers. If it’s a problem, we will look into it. If it’s corruption, the law will take its course. If it’s violence, we are open to talks. And if it’s the Family, we will wax eloquent about them. I wish the man at least tried it to make it a bit interesting. We know he is just a puppet, but even puppets are supposed to entertain, aren’t they?

Anyway, like we do in the case of so many other things, let us try self-help. If the government staunchly refuses to answer our questions, we shall have to do it ourselves. So here are the real answers that Manmohan never gave…

On inflation & economy : Please remember that this is a UPA govt. Which is why the economy has gone UPA, not neechey. And unfortunately prices went UPA-2. However we are working very hard to bring prices down. This is a government you can count on. As well as discount on.

On Pakistan : Pakistan is our biggest neighbour. Of course, China is a far bigger country and we share a border with it, but we don’t consider them our neighbour because they are not very neighbourly. The problems with Pakistan basically stem from a trust deficit. So we need to maintain a dialogue with them. This is getting increasingly difficult though. Because of their recent policies, we are unable to poke them and we can’t send them pomegranate trees for their farms. We can’t even organize a simple tweetup of our foreign ministers. And once they ban gmail, I just don’t understand how we can even contact them. And no, we can’t use the hotline either, because it just goes to a call-centre in Pakistan where middle-aged women talk dirty to us. They really should understand that if social media disappears, everything that is left will be anti-social. Then Aman Ki Asha doesn’t have a chance. Only Yaman Ki Asha.

On Naxals : I’ve been saying for three years that Naxalism is the biggest internal security threat that our country faces. Before that it used to be the guys throwing sandals at our ministers, but now Naxalism has taken a comfortable lead. The root cause of this problem is that their side is filled with Kishens while we seem to have only Kanhaiyyas. So we are a bit reluctant to just go in and wipe them out. You could call it a thrust deficit. Or you could call it a Kishen Jam. Also, we suffer from a limited mandate. i.e. we have limited men and limited dates. Which makes it a logistical nightmare.

On Terrorism : Terrorism knows no religion. Incidentally, it’s also pretty weak at calculus. This government’s stance has been very clear. Whenever we see terror, we promptly condemn it. We assure the terrorists that they will not be able to get away with stuff like this, and we make it very clear that we will not tolerate it. Such hard-hitting statements are bound to sap the morale and resolve of the terrorists. As they say, a bad posture can damage one’s spine. So our government has developed considerable expertise in posturing. In addition to this, when we do capture a terrorist or two, we demonstrate that we have no intention of executing them. So that by the time they do get to paradise they will be far too old to do anything constructive with all those virgins. Their spirit might be willing, but their flesh will be a bit too weak. Heh, heh.

On caste census : In the last election, the people gave us a fractured verdict. Which is why we are dependent on cast. So it’s not possible to just wish away caste equations. But frankly, I really don’t see what the fuss is about. To understand the reason for caste being recorded, you need to first understand the reason for the census. With great effort we collect a lot of data about our people. At a broad level, it throws up a number which we enter into wikipedia as our official population. We then use the various measures gathered to decide stuff like per-capita income & literacy levels. This is a great morale booster because all the people who get to hear about the census are above-average in income and literacy. Also, the finance minister and planning commission use these figures to fix the second decimal place in the thousands of crores they regularly allocate to various welfare schemes. In a nutshell, the census exists to throw up inaccurate figures that nevertheless add an illusion of great detail to various unnecessary schemes that are never implemented anyway. Therefore, any parameter, that can give us another pie-chart or two adds to the richness of the census. Caste is just one of them. In fact, in the next census we are even considering finding out stuff like your favourite colour, lucky number and so on. Please understand – A census without detail is a complete non-census.

On Raja & corruption : For the last 6 years, the UPA has been harping on inclusive growth. Which essentially means that our allies are included in the growth. We have also guaranteed a minimum amount that all the regional parties can make out of public funds. What we call the Common Minimum Programme. So all Raja has done is access his legitimate share. After all without the rising sun, you won’t even have a spectrum, no?

On Rahul Gandhi : Rahul Gandhi is well qualified for a cabinet post. He has piled on to so many people’s houses, that he can be Home Minister. His Spanish girlfriend qualifies him for External Affairs. He got into St. Stephens for his pistol-shooting abilities. So Defence is a possibility. Plus, they say, he has been managing $2 billion dollars in his Swiss Bank which means he could well be our Finance Minister. Seriously, with such all-round abilities, he can be not just a Prime Minister but a Composite Minister.

On illegal mining in Orissa : There is no such thing as illegal mining. Possession, they say, is nine-tenths of the law. If I possess some land it is mine. If it don’t, it is not mine. So please stay away from this issue. You all know what will happen if you step on a mine. Or step on mine. And do remember, at least the state lives up to its name – “Ore”issa. Instead of being like Kashmir which is draining all our cash or Manipur, on which we just spend money.

On the support of the left : Ah! If wishes were horses, a genie would give you three Sarah Jessica Parkers. But leaving that aside, the Left is welcome to join us. The doors of UPA are open to anyone. All any party has to do is win a few seats in parliament, send us proof of the results, and complete the slogan – Sonia Gandhi is great because ….. in not more than 10 words. Incidentally, this contest is also open to employees and relatives of the organisers.

On his legacy : How can I leave a legacy? I have no political will. Hehe. That was a joke. I am not bothered about legacy issues. It is for historians to decide. Or perhaps physicists. That’s because I am a puppet. An honest, decent puppet, but a puppet all the same. And so to understand my legacy, you will need some knowledge of the String Theory.

Jai Hind.

Offer : The Prime Minister is free to use these answers in the next press conference which, the track record suggests, will be held around 2015. You see, the questions are likely to remain the same.

Picture : Whacked from the BBC. Much thanks to them.

So I dug them out and here they are. I know they are a bit dated (they pertain to stuff that happened 6-8 months back), but what the heck, it’s still better to have nursery rhymes that are drawn from India circa 2008 than Europe circa 16th century. Sing along for best results …

Based on “Little Miss Muffet”.

Little Miss Jaya,
Eats some papaya,
Along with some curd and rice.
If you want a favour,
Some money you gave her,
For Miss Jaya comes at a price.

Based on “Pussy Cat Pussy Cat”.

Prakash Karat, Prakash Karat, where have you been?
I’ve been to Beijing to visit the Cheen.
Prakash Karat, Prakash Karat, what did you there?
I promised my bosses, that I’d do my share.

Based on “Old MacDonald”.

Old Mamata B went to a farm. Eeya Eeya O.
And on that farm, she saw a plant. Ayyayyayyo.
With some protests here,
And some violence there.
Here a speech, there a speech,
Everywhere a screech screech.
Old Mamata B caused great harm. No Nano Nano.

Based on “Ding Dong Bell”.

Ding dong division bell.
The MPs are in the well.
Who put them in?
Advani the thin.
Who pulled them out?
Somnath the stout.
What a rowdy bunch of gents,
Sit in our noisy parliaments.

Based on “Rock-a-bye Baby”.

Rock-a-bye Gowda, was dozing on top.
When he saw progress, Gowda would stop.
When people voted, Gowda did fall.
And down they came, Gowda, HDK and all.

Based on “Wee Willie Winkie”

Hoy Hoysa Hoysala, drives through the town.
Upstreet & downstreet, wearing a frown.
Knocking down the singers,
And closing down the bars.
Are all the adults in their beds? It’s past 11 o’clock.

Coming soon (hopefully with some relevant stuff) – Part 3. Suggestions are welcome.

Disclaimer : Any resemblance that the silly events described in these childish rhymes have to the deliberate, statesmanlike actions of our esteemed leaders is obviously co-incidental. Also, please do not try this at school.

With Congress continuing to have congress with the public, BJP neither helping the Bharatiya Janata nor allowing anybody to Party, and thinking having left all leftist thinkers, the time seems ripe for a new formation.

In walks Narendra Modi in a spotless kurta-pajama and Lalit Modi in a spotted tie and his (only?) grey suit. There’s an eager silence as Lalit Modi unfolds a (thankfully) small piece of paper and reads from it…

I, Lalit Modi & he, Narendra Modi, have realized that we are India’s most capable administrators. We have, therefore, decided to launch a new political party – Modisattva. The party will work for peace, prosperity & high TRPs. I hereby declare the Modisattva party open. Any questions folks?

Reporter : Hi, I’m from the Pioneer, so I’ll ask the first question, heh heh. So, Mr. Modi, why have you decided to leave the BJP? And you Mr. Lalit Modi. Why are you leaving the IPL?

Narendra Modi : Well, for a party that calls itself right-wing, the BJP is getting too many things wrong. Our terrorism plank backfired. We tried Ram and got rammed. In fact, the elections results were such a joke that the party is now in splits. I believe it’s time to move on.

Lalit Modi : As for me, I’ve not really left the IPL. After all Mr. Narendra Modi here is Indian and he wants to be a Premier who’s in a League of his own. So it’s all the same thing. Basically, I’m a Commissioner. Where there is commission, there there is Modi.

R : Narendrabhai, isn’t Lalit Modi a strange choice of partner?

NM : Of course not. Gandhi said, “First the ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you’ve won.” Currently most people ridicule Lalit and fight me. So we’ve nearly won.

A reporter behind a veil (used to be a reporter behind a wail) : I’m Burqaah Dutt from SOB TV. How do you feel after riots resulted in so many deaths while you were CM? Will people ever feel safe under you?

NM (dismissively) : Please. The riots were just an isolated event.

LM : And my events were an absolute riot. Hehe.

NM : All these accusations are just media fabrications. When I run this country, I’ll ensure that people aren’t given wrong information about such happenings. As the people’s representative, I’ll ensure that there are no misprepresentations. All riots in the future will be scheduled so that they get maximum TV coverage. Everybody will get to see the truth unfold. We call it Prime Time Pogromming.

LM : Unscheduled riots will be rare. We shall have bunches of people armed with sticks in every city and village. They will break out into a menacing dance whenever there is a sign of any trouble. You could call them fearleaders. Now, that should help keep the peace.

Lalit Modi smugly steps out to smoke a quick strategy break.

R : Er… what about external threats?

NM : Tell me, once we devote enough attention to terrorizing our own people, why would terrorists even bother coming here? Like James Bond, they will decide to live and LeT die.

Burqaah Dutt leaves the room in tears and another reporter takes over.

R : This is Eugene from DNA. You said there would be prosperity along with peace. What steps do you propose to take towards this?

NM : We will have a two pronged strategy – Sops for the rich and credit for the poor. All industries will be given tax breaks, and subsidized land. Some people may call such a strategy an ana-crony-ism but I say – you can’t lather up the economy without some sop.

R : What about the poor people then? Won’t you be taking away their land?

NM : What do they need land for? I’ll give them money. Easy credit will be made available through a new financial institution called the Votebank of India. They can freely borrow and spend. And before every election, I’ll waive off the loans. In this way, I will be unwavering in my principles and waivering in my actions.

Lalit Modi returns, takes his place and surveys the gathering with a grin.

LM : We’ll thus have Citi moments of success as well as Village moments of success.

R : This is Mani from Economic Times. If you give sops to the industrialists and free credit to the poor, won’t the nation go broke? Owning a Mint doesn’t necessarily make money, as our rivals in HT found out. Where will the money for all this come from?

LM : Let me answer this one. Advertising is the key. We will raise money through sponsorships. Everything will be sponsored and branded. States, cities, mountains, rivers whatever. In any case, we keep making meaningless changes to the names of our cities. I say, let’s make it meaningful. So we’ll have Viagrajasthan, Zandu Balmbay, Raybangalore, Playwindhyas & Digjamuna. The map of India will look like Times Square. This is what I call ad-ministration. In rural areas, even people will be branded. Kissan, for instance, has evinced interest in branding every single farmer. After all, our constitution does talk about universal adult franchise.

R : This is Tara, from Society. What about social freedom. Do you plan to continue BJPs rather draconian policies on morality, censorship, etc.?

NM : Listen, you are all children of the state. And like any parent, the state wants to keep you innocent, obedient and compliant. I’m a pop who won’t let you paap. Liberty, Equality & Fraternity are all things of the past. We believe in Sobriety, Conformity & Paternity. Remember we are a Republic, not a Reprivate. So public opinion will rule over private preferences. And I represent the public. So my private thoughts become public policy, and my public pronouncements control private behaviour and… errr (confusedly), Lalit, do you want to add to this one…

LM : But not to worry, do what you like. All digressions will be punished only by fines. We call it the Cash for Sins scheme. Live it up, but pay up. This is our fine formula which we are currently er… refining.

R : I’m Chittaranjan Dash from Telegraph, so I’ll keep my question short. What about foreign policy?

NM : Look, as a country we were left-aligned, tried to get right-aligned, and pretended to be centre-aligned or in fact, non-aligned. Nothing has worked, so we will try out the only alignment remaining – justified. We’ll do what we want and justify it later. Truly out-of-the-box thinking. In a box setting.

R : This is E.V.R. Reddy from DC. As I’ve chronicled so far, you have promised sops for the rich, dole for the poor, private sponsorship of public property, and public control of private life. And all this with justification. Interesting. So how do you plan to promote this party?

NM : I will traverse the length and breadth of this country. I’ll reach the heights of oratory & plunge the depths of morality. Everywhere I’ll kindle public anger by ranting about the ills of the current government. In a sense, it’ll be series of rave parties. Which will be done in a Wrath Yatra.

LM : This Wrath Yatra, will be capsuled and telecast as a reality show – The MTV Modis. We will also extensively use the internet. With the number of bans we plan to impose, taking banners is quite easy for us. And like Ayodhya, we’ll also do a few site-captures. The funds for these will come from our corporate cronies, who will help us with our hoardings.

NM : That’s all for the time being folks. As you see, we have a dream. Of a country with fast-paced growth. Supported by sponsorship. Let me assure you, no stone will be left unthrown, in our quest for peace, prosperity & high-TRPs.

LM : Yes. You could say, our vision for India is 20-20.

Disclaimer – This post is entirely fictitious. It contains not a modi-cum of truth. But who knows. The two fictional gentlemen do share a common love for autocracy, intolerance & big business.

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Ramalinga Raju on Trial, Shivraj Patil & Sardar Patel, Manmohan Singh calling Customer Service, and Ramadoss meeting Devadoss.

THE HOPEFULS

HAND – The symbol of the Congress is the Hand. Or more precisely, the palm. Or even more precisely, an open palm. That is waiting to be greased. The five fingers represent the five guiding principles of the party – To keep entrepreneurship under its Thumb. Thus pushing up the consumer price Index after which they can announce sops. To occupy the Middle ground on all issues thereby staying clear of any principles. To Ring up Sonia before making any decision. And to pander to every Little whim of all their coalition partners. The Hand is intended to subliminally indicate that any parliament with too little Congressmen will behave in an underhand manner. Unfortunately, an excess of seats makes them high-handed. The party ran out of partners before the election and thus had no choice but to use its Hand.

LOTUS – There is little need to deconstruct the BJP, because they are pretty good at it themselves (like they demonstrated in Ayodhya). But let’s try anyway. The BJP uses the Lotus as a symbol – A desperate plea for power that goes, “Lotus rule. Please Lotus rule.” They have been attempting to polarize the majority against the minorities. Simply because there are a LOTofUS. Organizations like the RSS, VHP & Bajrang Dal are the leaves of this Lotus, that seem detached on the surface, but are strongly connected at the root. Like the flower, they thrive in murky ponds but try to come out looking good. These days they are into the Swadeshi trip which is surprising, what with their symbol being a Corolla. They might find it difficult to win, because a lot of people consider them to be a bunch of old Phools.

ELEPHANT – The elephant is the symbol of BSP. The animal is sometimes called pachyderm, which means thick-skinned. It is big, powerful and quite comfortable in jungles. The party is led by Mayawati who is seen to be a hard tuskmaster. She lives up to her symbol. She consumes enormous resources (stored in trunks in her house), remembers every slight, tramples over rivals and generally throws her weight around. The elephant has no natural predators but is quite vulnerable to poaching. Personally, Ivory about our country if the elephant comes to power.

BICYCLE – The SP is symbolized by the bicycle. They hope to affect the balance of power. In this world of cars and planes, the Bicycle is the symbol of those who oppose science & progress in the guise of promoting human labour. The Bicycle usually has only one or two seats. In fact, there’s a circus (in UP) where one can see an Elephant riding a Bicycle. Like, the Bicycle, the SP can be bought pretty easily. It is freely available though sometimes expensive. They don’t have much hope of coming to power, but they know that. They are just a bunch of pedallers.

HAMMER & SICKLE – The communists are represented by this combination. Both the objects can be used as weapons – a sharp object that can scythe the opposition or a blunt object that can pulverize dissent. Now that Jyothi Basu is too Sickley, Prakash Karat has become the chief Hammer. The symbol is supposed to represent labour & farmers. So the party tries its best to keep the farmers labouring and the labourers, well, labouring. They pretend to be intellectuals (they are well, red) but they rule their state with an iron hand. Poor Bengal. They have a choice between getting hacked and getting nailed.

THE HOPELESS

LANTERN – Symbol of RJD. Useful if one has a shortage of power. Provided it is adequately fuelled. By doing nothing towards progress, the party ensured that every home in Bihar needed their symbol.

ALARM CLOCK – Used by NCP. Ticks along unobtrusively most of the time, but screeches uncontrollably once in five years. A sharp knock on its head should shut it down. Or atleast ensure that they snooze for a while.

RISING SUN – An apt symbol for DMK. Stands for Stalin & Azhagiri, who are the rising suns (of Karunanidhi). In addition Azhagiri is a mafia dawn in Madurai.

TWO LEAVES – The symbol of AIADMK, or more appropriately, of its leader, Jayalalitha. Supposed to indicate that Amma is double the person that other leaders are. After all, Eve needed only one leaf.

WOMAN CARRYING A BUNDLE OF HAY – The Gowda party, JD(S) has this symbol. A symbol of opportunism. The party makes hay while the sun shines and is a great burden on common people.

FLOWERS – The Trinamool Congress is represented by a flower. It flows from one alliance to the next. Hence a flower. Mortal enemy of the Sickle but usually gets the worse of the exchanges.

Well, that covers most of the buyers and sellers of this election. I only wish that the election commission had allowed this candidate to use a picture of Aishwarya Rai as his symbol. That would have been worth deconstructing.

Anyway, now that we have arrived at a basic understanding of our parties, we can closely look at the alliances that will soon be formed. In my opinion the Hand will pick up the Alarm Clock, and ride to power on a Cycle (decorated with Flowers), basking in the warmth of the Rising Sun. But the power will be quite useless because there will be a Sickle & Hammer behind their back at all times. While the Lotus fades, the Lantern is extinguished and the Elephant eats the Leaves. And the Poor Woman continues to carry Hay.

Disclaimer : The above analysis has as much truth as the party manifestos. Nevertheless, it has been published only after polling is completed so that the Election Commission doesn’t accuse the author of influencing the election. After all, in our country, the voter has to be shielded from the influence of exit polls, debates & issues.  It’s called voting in vacuum.

Manmohan Singh must be having a tough time priming so many ministers. Take a look at this. As of now there are 49 ministries & 2 departments being handled by him & 38 other ministers. Plus 40 Ministers of State (without independent charge). It’s time to trim. Here is a way to ensure that our cabinet bears less resemblance to a walk-in wardrobe…

1. The Ministry for Women & Child Development will be brought under the Home Ministry, which will then be renamed the Home & Hearth Ministry. After all, Indian Culture says that a woman’s place is in her home. The ‘food’ portfolio will also be brought under the Home & Hearth ministry, because within home, a woman’s place is specifically in the kitchen. Pramod Muthalik will run this ministry. And given his concerns about youth, the Ministry of Youth Affairs will also come in here. So will the Ministry of Environment & Forests. After all, Muthalik is well versed in jungle law.

2. The Ministry of Health will be merged with the Ministry of Culture as both are about bans & compulsions. Ramadoss remains the ideal man to run this. Consumer Affairs might as well come in here because he anyway keeps poking his nose into it. And Public Grievances will be a good addition as Ramadoss gives a lot of grief to the public. And finally, the Ministry of Statistics because he is, well, mean.

3. Our tribal belt is more or less controlled by naxalites (with whom we even have ceasefires once in a while). The Ministry of External Affairs will therefore take over the Ministry of Tribal Affairs. And for the same reason, the Ministry for Development of the North Eastern Region too. Mamata Bannerjee will take over this portfolio. She may not know much about tribes but is wonderful at diatribe.

4. Our national defence appears to largely constitute of words, threats, accusations & codemnations. The I&B Ministry will therefore be brought under the aegis of the Defence Ministry. Kalyan Singh can head this because he currently seems to be sitting on de-fence. He will also be given the Ministry of Petroleum to fuel rumours. And the Ministry of Textiles to effect cover-ups. Kalyan will get the added responsibility of Sports because he seems to show some potential in the triple-jump.

5. The Ministry of HRD and the Ministry for Social Justice & Empowerment are euphemisms for imposing reservation. They will hence be subsumed into the Ministry for Railways. Lalu can continue to head this as he is …er…well-trained.

6. The Ministry of Power will become a giant ministry. Parliamentary Affairs will be added to it, as political power is the only kind of power that is available in this country. And once Parliamentary Affairs is added, Natural Gas obviously comes in. Our government is usually formed by parties with no majority. Hence Minority Affairs is added here. And the constant rifts & alliances make this the logical place for the fission & fusion of the Dept. of Atomic Energy. This mega-ministry can, however, lead to megalomania. So Sharad Pawar will run it. He has a reassuring name that sounds like ‘shared power’.

7. In line with the various subsidies, sops & waivers, the Ministry of Finance will now also include Public Distribution (or redistribution, to be precise). The Ministry of Steel will be renamed the Ministry of Steal, and added to this portfolio. The Ministry of Mines will also be brought in here. In any case, whatever we earn, the FM thinks, “It’s mine.” Ramalinga Raju will be put in charge of this ministry because he is an expert in…er…‘creating’ wealth.

8. The Ministry of Agriculture shall merge with the Ministry for Water Resources and the Ministry for Chemicals & Fertilizers. After all our farmers need water for their crops to drink and chemicals for er… themselves. Indra Nooyi can be invited to run this. Her stint in Pepsi has given her great understanding of sugar, water & pesticides.

9. The Ministry of Tourism and the Ministry of Housing & Urban Poverty Alleviation will be merged. After all, a lot of the urban poor are currently staying in our monuments. Noting the fact that more people visit Infosys than Taj Mahal, Narayanmoorthy will assume charge of this ministry. And because of that, we shall also bung in the Ministry of Science & Technology as well as the Ministry of Communication & IT. May he bring ROM Rajya to our country.

10. The Ministry of Shipping, Road Transport & Highways and the Ministry for Civil Aviation will be brought under The Ministry for Overseas Indian Affairs. This is because, if an Indian wants to see roads, highways or some civility in aviation, he has to go overseas anyway. Sonia Gandhi will run this augmented Ministry of Overseas Indian Affairs because she even married an overseas Indian.

11. The Ministry for Urban Development with be merged with Ministry for Food Processing Industries because all our cities are one big jam. Deve Gowda can head this one and continue to put us all in a pickle. The Ministry of Space will be added here because he has a lot of it (between his ears). Deve Gowda will also get the Ministry for Rural Development because he has painstakingly converted many cities into rural areas.

12. The Ministry for Commerce & Industry will be made part of the Ministry for Micro, Small & Medium Enterprises. This is because our government diligently ensures that all our industries stay small & medium. Prakash Karat will run this ministry because he has the right attitude – he views every growth as a cancer. The Ministry of Labour & Employment will be added here to help him push his agenda. And the Ministry of Pensions because a lot of people wish that Karat took his and retired.

13. The Ministry for Heavy Industries & Public Enterprises will now also include the Ministry of Planning. This would enable them to do some heavy planning with little industry. The Ministry of Personnel will be added here because our public enterprises have a lot of public but no enterprise. Vijay Mallya will run this as he his very heavy and very public.

14. We often wonder why on earth we are still harping on Panchayat Raj. So it is logical to merge the Ministry for Panchayat Raj with the Ministry of Earth Sciences. Raj Thackeray can run this because he could also be called Punch-ayat Raj. And he is good at slinging mud. A true son of the soil.

15. There are a few things that we completely lack today but we fondly wish we had sometime in the future. Like wind power, solar power & justice. These will be clubbed into one Ministry. Comprising what was previously the Ministry for New & Renewable Energy and the Ministry for Law & Justice. Bejan Daruwala will run this futuristic ministry.

Phew. Finally we are down to just 15 ministries. This honest, simplified structure would make our government leaner and enable them to become meaner.

Oops, I forgot about the Ministry of Coal. Let’s close it down and transfer its responsibilities to the Election Commissioner Navin Chawla. After all, he’s constantly answering nature’s coal.

Disclaimer : Obviously this is fictional. Look at the title. How can anything that has rational & government in the same sentence be true? After all, if we demand rationality from politicians, they’ll ask us to try the ration shop.

If you have read Part 1, this will probably still make no sense. But then, when did our leaders ever make any? Read on…

Vijay Mallya – Dear guests, I’m here to promise you Rum Rajya. Eight years back, a friend of mine invited me to join a party. I completely misunderstood him and…well…so here I am. Vote for me and let the good times roll. I’ll fill government with Diplomats to deal with the Romanovs and McDowells. The army will be equipped as per the Officers’ Choice and every terrorist will be quart. The economy will thus get a boozed and you can enjoy it with just-ice. The country will fly, our flag will be high and no bad laws will be passed. Because, whenever a bill is presented in parliament, I’ll just refuse to pay it. I be PM. UB happy.

Laloo – Brothers, sisters, mothers & fodders, thank you for grazing this occasion. Do you want cowards to rule you? Or cow-herds. My steely vision, SIMIan intelligence and Rabri morals made me a great minister. I got the trains moo-ing. My loco-ness and my motives ensured many new locomotives. I planned to introduce 49.5% reservation in trains, but I found that it was already 100%. I promise to milk the economy, and ensure that the GDP will gobar 10%. I’ll be friends with Sarkozy. After all La-loo means ‘French toilet’. Udder countries will be faced with cud missiles. So make me PM and you’ll have no beef.

Karunanidhi – Tamizhargale. When I was a child, my teacher made me write, “Mein hamesha sacch bolunga” a hundred times as punishment. Since then, I have been against any imposition of Hindi. Make me PM, and I’ll introduce the two-language formula – Tamil and C++. But, I’m not a regional leader. We are just very keen to keep Rahul Dravid in the Indian team. Hence DMK and the Dravidian movement. I promise a kind government. We will work to “Save the Tiger”. Of every kind. Culture will flourish. Books like Sivagami, crafts like Origami and arts like er… polygamy. So vote for me. Let the sun rise (and my son too).

Prakash Karat – Comrades, I stand before you as a product of China with the flavour of India. A bit like Paneer Manchurian. I’ve had a sweet-sour relationship with you but I promise that if you make me PM, I’ll fulfill all your needs and Wontons. Peking into the future, I see a country with compulsory education – everyone will be well, red. Your land, wealth, possessions (in fact everything except information) will be made public. Because, in Mao opinion, people should be equal and poverty should be spread equally. So vote for me and go for the Karat. Or would you prefer the stick?

Link to Part 3 with more regional rabble. Am open to suggestions.

Disclaimer : All characters above are not merely fictional. They are stranger than fiction.

Suddenly there is a flash, and there appears in front of him a bald man with a Ferrous expression. Shivraj notices that the apparition is clad in crude, homespun clothes which are disturbingly crumpled.

Shivraj Patil (raising his eyebrows) : And who might you be oh ill-dressed man?

Vallabhai Patel (sonorously) : I am the spirit of Sardar Patel. The first home minister of independent India. I have come to rebuke you on your terrible performance in the same role.

SP : Fiddledeedee. You are talking through your hat. I have comported myself with dignity, decorum and dandiness. I was a much better home-minister than you ever were.

VP (aghast) : What?! I’ll have you know sir, that I united the country.

SP : Yeah yeah. So did I. Read the papers. Watch TV. Every single person has called for my resignation. Isn’t that true unity?

VP : Well, …er… but people adored me. I was called the Iron Man of India.

SP : Teehee, I too am an Iron man. Check the crisp crease that I have achieved on my sleeve.

VP : C’mon, you know what I mean. Where would Junagadh & Hyderabad be without me?

SP : And where would Gwalior be without me. And er… Raymonds & Vimal.

VP : You know the problem with you? You’re pathetic in a crisis. Why did you reach Cama Hospital so late, that the terrorists got impatient and left?

SP (shiftily) : Oh, I had ..um.. pressing… matters to attend to. Some details had to be.. ah.. ironed out. I had to consult the rest of my wardrobe.. I mean cabinet. So I was a bit delayed.

VP : Seriously, can you tell me, why do you have this obsession with clothes?

SP : Look. Gandhi said something like, “Be the change that you want to see.” I just follow his advice. Sometimes thrice in one hour. Especially if there is some mudslinging going on.

VP : Ok. Ok. Leave your clothes aside. Why didn’t you carry out Mohammad Afzal’s execution?

SP : Like you, I was waiting for instructions from a Gandhi. They screamed, “Hang him.” I said, “Hang on.” (which incidentally is an anagram of Sonia Gandhi)

VP : Leave Afzal. What about all the other terrorists? Why are you so soft on them?

SP (indignantly) : Who said that I was soft on them? Soon after taking up office, I announced that I was ready for meaningful intercourse with the terrorists. Which is just a dignified way of saying that I will f… you know what I mean… like have Congress with them. (Shakes his head) I’m a much misunderstood man.

VP : Oh spare me your tears. I shudder to think that you nearly became the President of India.

SP (wistfully) : Ah. A ceremonial job. I’d have been good at that. Such jobs really appeal to my pansy.

VP : Oh I’ve had enough of your inanities. Obviously I was the better home minister.

SP : Excuse me. Let’s sort this out once and for all. I’m the best home minister India ever had. Simply because, I ensured that people stayed at home. You see, they were too scared to step out. “Home” minister. Get it. Teeheehee (prods Patel). So, go rust in peace, oh iron man.

Sardar Patel is crestfallen. He vanishes in a puff of smoke. Shivraj looks around nervously, in case Ramadoss got a whiff of the puff, and carries on walking. Whistling “Hurry Home Hurry.”

Disclaimer : The ghost of Sardar Patel is as fictional as superman, spiderman and Shivraj’s spine.
Additional Reading : A list of Patil’s gaffes (Economic Times).

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Lalit Modi & Narendra Modi, Ramalinga Raju on Trial, Manmohan Singh calling Customer Service, and Ramadoss meeting Devadoss.

Advani – Namaste. I urge you to vote for the BJP so that we can create history ..er..literally. We will go back to the glory of the Vedas. During the polls, we propose to use the Rig-Veda. And after the polls, we promise to distribute idli-veda. All parliamentary proceedings will start with prayer. In fact, we will rename the parliament Shlok Sabha. Give us a chance. All of us are not communal. Our own party is split into extremists and Modirates. So, vote for us. Please lotus rule this time and I promise you Ram Rajya.

Sonia – Ram Rajya? He must be Tutti-Frutti. I’ll give you Rome Rajya. My party is about reform. Economic Reform – Liberalization will move pasta. Judicial reform – Cases will be tried by azzuri of peers. Land reform – All farmers will get a pizza land. Poverty alleviation – All poor people will get at least a Pavarotti to eat (Italy-vada for the Madrasis). Tourism Development – We’ll open many risotto everywhere. Brothers & sisters, I’m sure you will all vote for me. I feel Sonia to power. But remember, come to the polling booth on time. Don’t be latte.

Mayawati (seated on her plush, red caste-ing couch) – Brahmins, Dalits & OBCs, thanks for coming. Baniyaas, I Vaishya were here. Amar Singh calls my rule Scam Rajya. He has gone Mulayam in the head. As you see, I am the one in the corridors of power. I blocked the coach factory only because I thought it was supposed to manufacture Greg Chappels. If you elect me, I promise efficiency. If you break your hand, you’ll get a scheduled cast. I’ll trim bureaucracy. It will have no OBCeety problem. I’ll build numerous statues honouring scholars and Daliterary achievements. So please caste your vote for me and remember – To BSP is not be SP.

Part 2 with some more er… leaders.
Part 3 with even more.

Disclaimer : Please do not take this post literally. I’ve just used figures of speech. Or perhaps speeches of figures. Whatever.