The elections are getting closer and closer. Parties have made their guest-lists. They are preparing their manifestoes and their bullet-points. People are talking Ram & stocking rum. Old leaders are trying to make news. While new candidates are making old noises. In all this buzz, here are some more suggestions for quick, snappy, speeches…

Sanjay Dutt - Oy there. Vote for me, ok. I want to be PM. My career started in a Rocky manner. But I soon made a Naam for myself. The Mumbai Blasts were a Kaante in my flesh because people thought I had made our Dushman into my Saajan. So I was called Khalnayak and kept in Kabzaa for possessing Hathyaar. But now I’m back with a Dhamaal. I fail to understand why, just because I’m a movie star, I’ve become the Dutt of all jokes. Believe me, I’m a man of deep conviction – 6 years to be precise. So vote for me and vote for a muscular India. Sanjay ka Haath, Arm Aadmi ke Saath.

Mamata Banerjee – Farmers, and former farmers. This is your Didi standing before you asking for your vote. These industrialists want your land to set up plants. What for I say? Don’t farmers anyway grow plants? Industry? Na, no, never. I will ban progress. After all, people respectfully call me Bannerjee. Your Didi will make a great PM. With the constant terrorist threat, we need a PM capable of ordering surgical strikes. Or even, if necessary, a nuclear strike. And I am a veteran of strikes. Auto strike, lawyer strike and so on. So vote for me and let us restore Farm Rajya in this country.

Raj Thackeray - Manoos & er.. womanoos. Make me PM and I promise to protect our borders. I’ll ban everything Pakistani. Singers, sportsmen, jugglers. Movies like Pakeezah. Sweets like Mysore Pak. Even games like Pakman. You see, by eliminating all peaceful visitors, we can attack any Pakistani on the street because he, then, must be a terrorist. Of course, if he’s armed, we’ll let our Bhaiyyas in NSG handle it. I’ll spread Marathi around India, signboard by signboard. Marathi is music to my ears and I love music. Especially violence. And sometimes, I play the loot. I am well educated, in the famous Goon School, where I studied the work of the poet Burns. Unlike my uncle, I have Bals. So please vote for me and send me to Delhi. Or else, I’ll remain in Mumbai.

Barkha Dutt - You the people. I request you to vote me in as PM. This nation is floating meaninglessly. It needs an anchor. Like me. I will not treat politics as a business. I’ll make it personal. Very personal. I will personally investigate every terror attack and fearlessly interrogate the er… victims. I’ll have no secrets and I’ll ensure that our nation too has none. After all, even terrorists count in the TRPs, don’t they? I’ll cajole our industrialists to ensure that our economy is sensational. I’ll add melodrama to parliamentary proceedings thus making it prime-time viewing. I beg you for your vote. So, please vote for me. Or I’ll cry.

Considering I’ve plunged down to people like Barkha Dutt, I guess its time to end this series. Unless some fresh jokers enter politics.

Disclaimer : The above speeches are pure fiction. So it does not purport to represent the state of Indian politics, which is more about friction, factions & infractions.

If you have read Part 1, this will probably still make no sense. But then, when did our leaders ever make any? Read on…

Vijay Mallya – Dear guests, I’m here to promise you Rum Rajya. Eight years back, a friend of mine invited me to join a party. I completely misunderstood him and…well…so here I am. Vote for me and let the good times roll. I’ll fill government with Diplomats to deal with the Romanovs and McDowells. The army will be equipped as per the Officers’ Choice and every terrorist will be quart. The economy will thus get a boozed and you can enjoy it with just-ice. The country will fly, our flag will be high and no bad laws will be passed. Because, whenever a bill is presented in parliament, I’ll just refuse to pay it. I be PM. UB happy.

Laloo – Brothers, sisters, mothers & fodders, thank you for grazing this occasion. Do you want cowards to rule you? Or cow-herds. My steely vision, SIMIan intelligence and Rabri morals made me a great minister. I got the trains moo-ing. My loco-ness and my motives ensured many new locomotives. I planned to introduce 49.5% reservation in trains, but I found that it was already 100%. I promise to milk the economy, and ensure that the GDP will gobar 10%. I’ll be friends with Sarkozy. After all La-loo means ‘French toilet’. Udder countries will be faced with cud missiles. So make me PM and you’ll have no beef.

Karunanidhi – Tamizhargale. When I was a child, my teacher made me write, “Mein hamesha sacch bolunga” a hundred times as punishment. Since then, I have been against any imposition of Hindi. Make me PM, and I’ll introduce the two-language formula – Tamil and C++. But, I’m not a regional leader. We are just very keen to keep Rahul Dravid in the Indian team. Hence DMK and the Dravidian movement. I promise a kind government. We will work to “Save the Tiger”. Of every kind. Culture will flourish. Books like Sivagami, crafts like Origami and arts like er… polygamy. So vote for me. Let the sun rise (and my son too).

Prakash Karat – Comrades, I stand before you as a product of China with the flavour of India. A bit like Paneer Manchurian. I’ve had a sweet-sour relationship with you but I promise that if you make me PM, I’ll fulfill all your needs and Wontons. Peking into the future, I see a country with compulsory education – everyone will be well, red. Your land, wealth, possessions (in fact everything except information) will be made public. Because, in Mao opinion, people should be equal and poverty should be spread equally. So vote for me and go for the Karat. Or would you prefer the stick?

Link to Part 3 with more regional rabble. Am open to suggestions.

Disclaimer : All characters above are not merely fictional. They are stranger than fiction.

Advani – Namaste. I urge you to vote for the BJP so that we can create history ..er..literally. We will go back to the glory of the Vedas. During the polls, we propose to use the Rig-Veda. And after the polls, we promise to distribute idli-veda. All parliamentary proceedings will start with prayer. In fact, we will rename the parliament Shlok Sabha. Give us a chance. All of us are not communal. Our own party is split into extremists and Modirates. So, vote for us. Please lotus rule this time and I promise you Ram Rajya.

Sonia – Ram Rajya? He must be Tutti-Frutti. I’ll give you Rome Rajya. My party is about reform. Economic Reform – Liberalization will move pasta. Judicial reform – Cases will be tried by azzuri of peers. Land reform – All farmers will get a pizza land. Poverty alleviation – All poor people will get at least a Pavarotti to eat (Italy-vada for the Madrasis). Tourism Development – We’ll open many risotto everywhere. Brothers & sisters, I’m sure you will all vote for me. I feel Sonia to power. But remember, come to the polling booth on time. Don’t be latte.

Mayawati (seated on her plush, red caste-ing couch) – Brahmins, Dalits & OBCs, thanks for coming. Baniyaas, I Vaishya were here. Amar Singh calls my rule Scam Rajya. He has gone Mulayam in the head. As you see, I am the one in the corridors of power. I blocked the coach factory only because I thought it was supposed to manufacture Greg Chappels. If you elect me, I promise efficiency. If you break your hand, you’ll get a scheduled cast. I’ll trim bureaucracy. It will have no OBCeety problem. I’ll build numerous statues honouring scholars and Daliterary achievements. So please caste your vote for me and remember – To BSP is not be SP.

Part 2 with some more er… leaders.
Part 3 with even more.

Disclaimer : Please do not take this post literally. I’ve just used figures of speech. Or perhaps speeches of figures. Whatever.

Deer Voter,

I stand before you with open arms and bare chest to seek your vote. We have heard enough about Rama Rajya. What I promise you is Drama Rajya. You will all get enough Khan-a and peena. And plenty of gaana too. In order to improve the ratings of Lok Sabha TV, I will put together the most attractive council of ministers ever.

I, Salman, will personally look after finance. I promise to sternly punish income tax evasion. There will be no black-bucks in this country.

My friend Shahrukh will take over the home ministry. He will ensure that there are no riots. No hate. Only love. Love. Regardless of age, caste, religion or er…gender. He will ensure peace. There will be Home-Shanti-Home.

Sunjay Dutt will handle the defence portfolio. He is an opinionated fellow, so he’ll never sit on de-fence. He will ensure that we are always armed and ready. He deserves the TADAsaheb Phalke award.

Dharmendra will take over animal welfare. He has promised to drink the khoon of any kamina who harms a kuttha. And to take good care of all soovar ke baccheys.

Aishwarya Rai, will be the minister for environment. No one can doubt her love for trees. She will ban weeding, and encourage wedding.

Foreign affairs will be handled by Neena Gupta. She has a Viv-id perspective in this area.

Rakhi Sawant will be put in charge of rural development. She has constantly worked for the upliftment of the masses.

The health portfolio will be handled by Saif Ali Khan. He has promised to examine potato chips and pronounce them as completely Saif.

You might wonder why Amitabh has not been mentioned so far. That is because the Big B will be my nomination for the President of India. To ensure that Raj Thackeray will allow him to return to Mumbai after his term, Amitabhji has requested that be referred to not as Rasthtrapati but as Maharashtrapati.

With this star-studded council of ministers, I promise you a lot of action. Every village will get lights and every villager a plot. We will open a dialogue with Pakistan. Our industries will improve their production. And the country will have some direction.

Vote for me. Together we Khan.

Disclaimer : All characters in the speech are figments of Salman Khan’s imagination.