Devadoss : Hey, who are you? Where’s Chandramukhi?

Ramadoss (graciously) : Good evening. I am Anbumani Ramadoss. Anbu means love in Tamil. So when I heard that this place gives anbu for money, I realized it’s the right place for Anbumani. Hehehe. Incidentally I’ll be your host for the evening.

D : You???? But this is a pleasure palace. It’s a Khota.

R : Not anymore. We have changed the classification of this place from khota to quota. Therefore I have control over it. And believe me, I am going to make this a model institution. With noble AIIMS.

D : Er, how?

R (accusingly) : By sanitizing you. Just look at you. Riddled with vice. You drink, you smoke, you love. And society has to bear the cost. People like you are a parasite on society. And believe me, as host, I know all about parasites.

D : Parasite???

R (patronizingly) : Yes. You belong to society. Your labour belongs to society. You are supposed to work and pay taxes. Not waste your time wooing women. You are supposed to be productive, not reproductive.

D : But I am too sad to work. Ever since my girlfriend left me, my life has declined in every parometer. (No pun intended. It’s just his Bong accent)

R : Shame on you. Don’t you know that love is bad for health. It generates an excess of hormones, pheromones and ecstatic moans. In fact, we have already banned it in all public places. Heh Heh. Ramadoss what others can’t.

D : Oh forget Paro, can I have Chandramukhi? At least that is pure lust. There’s no love involved.

R : Sorry. No unhealthy exchange of fluids. Especially on a commercial basis. We cannot allow people to sell their bodies. It’s indecent, immoral and untaxable.

D : Er… what exactly am I to do for…. you know… my physical needs?

R (conspiratorially) : Well if you want to do some naughty things with Chunnibabu, I can help you there. After all, the more gay you are, the less sad you’ll be.

D : No thank you. Lemme just puff a few melancholy drags on my hookah.

R : Hey, do you ever read the newspapers? Don’t you know that smoking is also banned. Especially by someone like you who is a fictional character in Bollywood.

D : No hookers and no hookahs??? What am I supposed to do here?

R : Why are you asking me? Do whatever. Just don’t break any law.

D : Okay. Okay. Cool it. Can Chandramukhi at least dance for me?

R (a bit apologetically) : Er… I don’t know how to break this to you but that is also banned. Not by me though. I think dancing is good exercise but some of my mates felt that it would take us back to the dark ages of Khajuraho & Kamasutra. However, if you do want to do a quick Salsa with Chunnibabu…

D : …No. No. Anything but that. Some music?

R (triumphantly) : Banned. In fact that was easy. They wanted music bands. We just banned music instead.

D : C’mon man. Why do you call yourself host? Will you at least pour me a glass of wine.

R : Sorry. Alcohol is bad for society. I don’t want to see anyone in front of bars. Only behind them. You’ll just have to gin & beer it… er… I mean grin & bear it.

D : Listen, if I can’t get a woman, a smoke, some dance, music or even wine, how exactly do I drown my sorrows.

R : Well, I’ve only banned wine. You are allowed to whine. All you want.

D : Aaaaargh. I’m out of here.

R : Aww. Go to health.

Disclaimer : All the above characters are fictitious and any resemblance to any other fictitious characters and union ministers is entirely coincidental.
Reference : If you have no clue who Devadoss is, you can read about the character he coincidentally resembles here

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Lalit Modi & Narendra Modi, Ramalinga Raju on Trial, Shivraj Patil & Sardar Patel, and Manmohan Singh calling Customer Service.

The homosexual is not public. He’s a deviant who needs to be driven into the closet. He will be denied medical care.

The artist is not public. He’s just an inconsiderate lout who needs to be taught not to offend anyone’s sensibilities. He will be mobbed.

The missionary is not public. He’s an evil do-gooder who lures innocent illiterates from their true religion by promising them food, clothing, education & dignity. He will be slaughtered.

The immigrant is not public. He is an invader who has come to corrupt culture by talking, dressing & behaving differently. He will be looted.

The youth are not public. They are just wastrels of voting age who are abandoning the lifestyle we have championed for 5000 years. They will be jailed.

The rich are not public. They are merely achievers who use their wealth to wallow in decadence and luxury. They will be curbed.

The poor are not public. They are ignorant animals who will be kept in poverty so that their servility is permanent. They will be exploited.

Who then is the public? In whose name are the laws of our land made? Whose good do they mean when they talk of the ‘greater good’?

The corrupt. The fanatic. The bigot. The intolerant. The powerful. The numerous. The mob.

Yup, it makes sense. The mob is the majority. And democracy, they say, is rule by the majority.