The internet is filled with imaginative theories on why he won. Some people feel it’s because his name is easier to pronounce than that of Ahmadinejad. Others postulate that he won it in a contest by virtue of being the tenth caller to the committee. All these theories may have merit, but one can never know for sure until 2059, which is when the deliberations of the Norwegian Nobel Committee will be released to the public.

However, painful persistence, dogged determination and a dose of hallucinogenic substances have allowed Let’s Put Da to lay its hands on the minutes of the committee meeting. So, dear reader, here they are…

(Note : In order to provide insight into the proceedings, the editor has randomly retained a few caricatured European accents derived by watching Peter Sellers movies and other such credible sources)

MINUTES OF THE NORWEGIAN NOBEL COMMITTEE

Venue : Oslo
Date : October 2009
Chaired by : Thorbjorn Jagland
Also present : Kaci Kullman Five, Sissel Marie Ronbeck, Inger-Marie Ytterhorn, Agot Vlle
Agenda : To decide the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize 2009

TJ : I call zis meeting to order.

KK5 : Ja, Ja. It ees time we start.

TJ : Ladees & me, we are gathered here to choose ze Nobel Peez Prize. As you all know it ees very prestigious and carries a heck-of-a-lot-of money. So let us choose carefully and wisely.

IMY : Yess. Yess. I agree. Peace is precious. War is bad. I have been reading a book by Tolstoy on thees subject for the last 4 years. It really helps me sleep peacefully.

TJ : Ok, Ingel. Let us get ze started. Sissel, could you read out the first finalist plees…

SMR : Thees is a man from India. Called Morarji Desai. It seems he was so fond of pees that he used to drink it everyday.

(Admiring oohs & aahs fill the room)

AV : Drinking pees? Really.

SMR : Oui. So pees flows in his every vein.

KK5 : But alas he’s no more. Alfie’s rules were very clear. If you’re alive, urine. Else you’re out.

TJ : Ja. It would be wrong toilet someone get this award posthumously. So, sadly, we can’t choose him. Who’s next?

SMR : Ze second finalist is an organization…

TJ : Zats good. In ze past we have chosen noble organizations like the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change & the Pugwash Conferences on Science & World Affairs. Which one is thees?

SMR : Er… Lego.

AV : Lego? What do they do?

KK5 : They let you build things. Pees by Pees.

IMY : Ah, Pees is so constructive

SMR : Yes. Even ze Fuhrer thought so. He wanted to construct an empire. Through pees. With a littil pees of Poland, a littil pees of France. A littil slice of Turkey and a littil dab of Greece.*

TJ : Great man zat. Lot of brain. Some Braun. We wanted to invite him to Oslo, but he turned out to be a bunker.

AV : Anyway, back to Lego. Do we give them ze Nobel pees Prize.

SMR : Hey, look what it says here. It appears zat they make profeets. They are sustainable.

KK5 : Ooooh. No, no. We have to stay away from dirty capitalism.

AV : Oui, Oui. Ze prize can only go to someone who lives on handouts. We call it reserve prize.

TJ : Okay Lego is out then. Next finalist plees.

SMR : The third finalist is an Indian state called West Bengal.

IMY : A state? Zats interesting. How can a state foster pees.

SMR : Apparently they are very fond of peesh. They eat it everyday.

AV : India is a great country. They drink pees. They eat peesh…

TJ : Ja. I too have heard that in Bengal they can’t live without peesh. They not only try peesh, but also fry it.

KK5 : Hmmm. And their leader is called Buddha. I theenk we should give it to zem.

TJ : Okay. Call zem and check. Till zen, I weel watch an episode of “Mind Your Language”. It ees funny.

(Kaci Kulman Five returns after 10 minutes)

KK5 : Apparently the whole state is closed. Zey are on a strike. What they call a bandh.

TJ : Aaah, a peaceful protest. Ze good.

KK5 : Unfortunately, no. Apparently the state regularly has violent protests and is hartaling towards disaster.

IMY : I believe it ees becoming moribandh.

TJ : Sigh. Would have been good to make Buddha laugh. Anyway, never mind. Let’s look at ze others.

SMR : Yet another Indian. A person called Sreesanth. His name itself means Mr. Peace. And, it seems he ees always peesed with the world.

KK5 : Hey, how come there are so many Indians?

AV : Well, it ees the land of Gandhi after all.

IMY : That reminds me. Why didn’t Gandhi ever get a Nobel prize?

TJ : It ees there in the records. There was some dispute that many of his noble deeds were done by someone else. We read all the reports and found that half of them mentioned another guy called Ghandi. So it was all very confusing. Mama Mia.

SMR : Back to Sreesanth. It seems he gives all batsmen a pees of his mind. And we all know that pees of mind is a good thing.

IMY : It also says here that he bowls at a gentle pace. In a friendly manner.

KK5 : But he was involved in some violence, I see.

AV : No, no. He was slapped but didn’t fight back. He just cried.

IMY : But look at him. Look at his antics, his break dance.

SMR : Yeah, and his hairstyle. The way he looks now, Nobel will ever go near him.

TJ : Okay, let us come back to eem next year.

SMR : That leaves only one finalist. The US President Barack Obama.

(Gasp goes around the table)

KK5 : But what has he done for pees?

AV : Well, for starters, he hasn’t started a new war in 6 months of being president.

Chorus : Ja Ja Ja Ja Ja

IMY : Plus he shows a lot of potential

SMR : What potential?

AV : See I learnt in school that potential is measured as current into resistance. Now nobody can deny that he is current and faces a lot of resistance.

Chorus : Oui Oui Oui Oui Oui

TJ : But all he has done is make promises. Has ee kept any of ees promises?

SMR : Well, he did promise that he will bring in change.

AV : And…? Has he brought in change?

SMR : Not yet, but soon he will. By creating trillions of dollars, he has made sure that the dollar will become change. Small change.

Chorus : Aaaaaah

TJ : All that is fine, but we need some direct connection with pees.

SMR : Look, look. He is spending money to cultivate peas.

IMY : Yes. He has allocated $350,000 to explore the use of peas and to help cultivate peas.

KK5 : Great man. Great ambassador.

TJ : Ja, ja. Ok. Zat is zat then. Obama it ees. Kaci, plees call eem. Let us shock and awe him.

Disclaimer : If you believe the above to be true, you too can apply to join the Norwegian Nobel Committee.
Pics Credit : nobelpeaceprize.org
*Shamelessly lifted from the Mel Brooks version of “To be or not to be”.