Everybody knew what the questions would be. The usual stuff – Pakistan, terrorism, inflation, Naxals, corruption, Rahul, Sonia, and so on.

And everybody knew that there would be no real answers. If it’s a problem, we will look into it. If it’s corruption, the law will take its course. If it’s violence, we are open to talks. And if it’s the Family, we will wax eloquent about them. I wish the man at least tried it to make it a bit interesting. We know he is just a puppet, but even puppets are supposed to entertain, aren’t they?

Anyway, like we do in the case of so many other things, let us try self-help. If the government staunchly refuses to answer our questions, we shall have to do it ourselves. So here are the real answers that Manmohan never gave…

On inflation & economy : Please remember that this is a UPA govt. Which is why the economy has gone UPA, not neechey. And unfortunately prices went UPA-2. However we are working very hard to bring prices down. This is a government you can count on. As well as discount on.

On Pakistan : Pakistan is our biggest neighbour. Of course, China is a far bigger country and we share a border with it, but we don’t consider them our neighbour because they are not very neighbourly. The problems with Pakistan basically stem from a trust deficit. So we need to maintain a dialogue with them. This is getting increasingly difficult though. Because of their recent policies, we are unable to poke them and we can’t send them pomegranate trees for their farms. We can’t even organize a simple tweetup of our foreign ministers. And once they ban gmail, I just don’t understand how we can even contact them. And no, we can’t use the hotline either, because it just goes to a call-centre in Pakistan where middle-aged women talk dirty to us. They really should understand that if social media disappears, everything that is left will be anti-social. Then Aman Ki Asha doesn’t have a chance. Only Yaman Ki Asha.

On Naxals : I’ve been saying for three years that Naxalism is the biggest internal security threat that our country faces. Before that it used to be the guys throwing sandals at our ministers, but now Naxalism has taken a comfortable lead. The root cause of this problem is that their side is filled with Kishens while we seem to have only Kanhaiyyas. So we are a bit reluctant to just go in and wipe them out. You could call it a thrust deficit. Or you could call it a Kishen Jam. Also, we suffer from a limited mandate. i.e. we have limited men and limited dates. Which makes it a logistical nightmare.

On Terrorism : Terrorism knows no religion. Incidentally, it’s also pretty weak at calculus. This government’s stance has been very clear. Whenever we see terror, we promptly condemn it. We assure the terrorists that they will not be able to get away with stuff like this, and we make it very clear that we will not tolerate it. Such hard-hitting statements are bound to sap the morale and resolve of the terrorists. As they say, a bad posture can damage one’s spine. So our government has developed considerable expertise in posturing. In addition to this, when we do capture a terrorist or two, we demonstrate that we have no intention of executing them. So that by the time they do get to paradise they will be far too old to do anything constructive with all those virgins. Their spirit might be willing, but their flesh will be a bit too weak. Heh, heh.

On caste census : In the last election, the people gave us a fractured verdict. Which is why we are dependent on cast. So it’s not possible to just wish away caste equations. But frankly, I really don’t see what the fuss is about. To understand the reason for caste being recorded, you need to first understand the reason for the census. With great effort we collect a lot of data about our people. At a broad level, it throws up a number which we enter into wikipedia as our official population. We then use the various measures gathered to decide stuff like per-capita income & literacy levels. This is a great morale booster because all the people who get to hear about the census are above-average in income and literacy. Also, the finance minister and planning commission use these figures to fix the second decimal place in the thousands of crores they regularly allocate to various welfare schemes. In a nutshell, the census exists to throw up inaccurate figures that nevertheless add an illusion of great detail to various unnecessary schemes that are never implemented anyway. Therefore, any parameter, that can give us another pie-chart or two adds to the richness of the census. Caste is just one of them. In fact, in the next census we are even considering finding out stuff like your favourite colour, lucky number and so on. Please understand – A census without detail is a complete non-census.

On Raja & corruption : For the last 6 years, the UPA has been harping on inclusive growth. Which essentially means that our allies are included in the growth. We have also guaranteed a minimum amount that all the regional parties can make out of public funds. What we call the Common Minimum Programme. So all Raja has done is access his legitimate share. After all without the rising sun, you won’t even have a spectrum, no?

On Rahul Gandhi : Rahul Gandhi is well qualified for a cabinet post. He has piled on to so many people’s houses, that he can be Home Minister. His Spanish girlfriend qualifies him for External Affairs. He got into St. Stephens for his pistol-shooting abilities. So Defence is a possibility. Plus, they say, he has been managing $2 billion dollars in his Swiss Bank which means he could well be our Finance Minister. Seriously, with such all-round abilities, he can be not just a Prime Minister but a Composite Minister.

On illegal mining in Orissa : There is no such thing as illegal mining. Possession, they say, is nine-tenths of the law. If I possess some land it is mine. If it don’t, it is not mine. So please stay away from this issue. You all know what will happen if you step on a mine. Or step on mine. And do remember, at least the state lives up to its name – “Ore”issa. Instead of being like Kashmir which is draining all our cash or Manipur, on which we just spend money.

On the support of the left : Ah! If wishes were horses, a genie would give you three Sarah Jessica Parkers. But leaving that aside, the Left is welcome to join us. The doors of UPA are open to anyone. All any party has to do is win a few seats in parliament, send us proof of the results, and complete the slogan – Sonia Gandhi is great because ….. in not more than 10 words. Incidentally, this contest is also open to employees and relatives of the organisers.

On his legacy : How can I leave a legacy? I have no political will. Hehe. That was a joke. I am not bothered about legacy issues. It is for historians to decide. Or perhaps physicists. That’s because I am a puppet. An honest, decent puppet, but a puppet all the same. And so to understand my legacy, you will need some knowledge of the String Theory.

Jai Hind.

Offer : The Prime Minister is free to use these answers in the next press conference which, the track record suggests, will be held around 2015. You see, the questions are likely to remain the same.

Picture : Whacked from the BBC. Much thanks to them.

Instead, in true swadeshi style, let’s institute our own Bharatiya Oscars – The Bhaskars. After all, in India, drama, action & comedy aren’t confined to the movies. They are played out in glorious 3-D in all aspects of our life. So here is my list for the 2008 Bhaskars…

Best Story – A Deputy CM demonstrates his adherence to the law by falling in love with a former assistant advocate general. Unfortunately he already has a wife. The Hindu lovers become a Muslim couple – Chand Mohammed & Fiza. Once he has got into her Nikaahs, he decides to go back to his first wife. Fiza attempts suicide, accuses him of rape, and his family of occult practices but Chand is unmoved. He divorces her through SMS and she gets a role in a Bollywood movie. For this fascinating saga involving politics, law, love, religion, crime, horror, glamour & technology, the Bhaskar Award for Best Story goes to Chander Mohan a.k.a. Chand Mohammed for “Fiza Ke Liye”.

Best Screenplay – A bunch of plutocrats indulge in a decadent auction. The auction ends. The action begins. Chargers run out of power. Fancied teams are Royally Challenged. Vijay Mallya sulks. Preity Zinta hugs some Kings. Shahrukh hugs Shoaib. Vijay Mallya sulks. Cheerleaders entertain the crowds. Shiv Sena sulks. Mumbai crowds get folk dancers instead. Harbhajan behaves like a Silly Bhajji. Sreesanth sobs. Preity Zinta hugs him. Vijay Mallya sulks. Akshay Kumar lands in a chopper. Set Max shows a billion ads. Shane Warne leads the most unfancied team to the trophy. Everybody is happy. Except Mallya, that is. For a heady cocktail of money, glamour & action and for ensuring that everybody shamelessly played for the screen, the Bhaskar Award for Screenplay goes to Lalit Modi for “Paisa Bhi Hota Hai”.

Best Music/Song – It was composed by the Songh Parivar and performed by the Ram Sena. Strongly influenced by the Culture Club, it is a lilting malady. The artists used thumping beats and indulged in serious head-banging. It played in many pubs and hit the top of the charts on Valentines day. The Bhaskar for Best Music goes to Pramod Muthalik for his message to youth – “Hurry Home Hurry”.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role – He didn’t want the responsibility of being the star, but played a significant role in the development of the plot. He played the perfect counterfoil to the government. i.e. He countered every move and foiled every plan. For a scintillating performance in which he acted as if he supported the government, the Bhaskar Award for Best Supporting Actor goes to Prakash Karat for “Chowringee Lane to China.

Best Editing – A good script can completely collapse if it is not cut to perfection. A shining example was the Olympic Telecast. An unconventional editing technique was used whereby all interesting action was cut. The audience had to imagine the action by seeing the prize distribution. DD, like any good editor, took us, the audience, on an emotional rollercoaster ride. We wept when rowing was shown instead of gymnastics. We cursed when athletics was cut in favour of Greco-Roman wrestling. We laughed at the “expert analysis”. And we were inspired everytime we saw Vijender punch the air to the tune of Chak De India. Live telecast was transformed by radical editing into a dead telecast. The Bhaskar for Best Editing goes to Doordarshan for “Dekh Sake Tho Dekh Lo”.

Best Costumes – His authority may have been loose but his collar was buttoned. His policies rankled but his sleeve was creased. His words were meaningless and few. For he was a man of Achkan. He faced diplomats with polish (on his shoes) and terrorists with boldness (in his checks). For bathing us in his sartorial splendour, the Bhaskar Award for Best Costumes goes to Shivraj Patil for “Dhoti, Kapda aur Makaan”.

Best Action – He asked for Maa Ki Dal, but got into trouble. He prayed for Man-ki Shakti. And-drew Symonds’ rage. Everybody told him to shut up. So, like Hellen Keller, he decided to let his hands do the talking. His opportunity came when a team-mate showed some cheek on the field. He responded to the cheek with some slapstick comedy. Unfortunately nobody found it funny and he had to face a suspension with disbelief. For a resounding performance that brought tears to the eyes of Sreesanth, the Bhaskar Award for Action goes to Harbhajan Singh for “Thappad Phad Ke”.

Best Actor in a Leading Role – He was over 70 years old, but willing to take up a leading role. Surrounded by friends who were actually enemies and enemies who were actually, well, enemies, he sailed his way with indifferent elan. There were bombs, controversies, recesisions, betrayals, and general pandemonium but he responded to everything with studied, emotionless, underplay. A thoroughly professional actor, he listened to every single thing, his directorji told him. For a convincing performance of acting as if he was leading the country, The Bhaskar Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role, goes to Manmohan for the highly ornamental role he played in “Singh is Bling”.

Best Director – This year, the award goes to not a mere director but a managing director. It’s a story of one man against society. Of a man who defied conventions. A man who fought for his principles. Accounting principles, that is. Who believed that books are not salads to be left uncooked. Who fought against the norm that employees should have a corporeal presence. Who refused to hear his conscience because he had some Auditory problems. It’s a saga of human dreams that would have enraptured even Sigmund Fraud. The best director of the year goes to Ramalinga Raju for “Scamasutra”.

Best Picture – A magnum opus for which 552 villains were assembled (unfortunately, there was no money left-over for heroes). By any stretch of imagination it is the longest movie ever made – 5 years approximately. It’s a movie with no story but lots of plots – devious plots. It’s a fluid script with many actors staging walk-outs. There is no action but lot of motion(s). And commotion. With over 500 people shouting concurrently, the audio levels were so high that even the Speaker packed up. The movie had a message. That while the country is forced into socialism, the parliament operates as a free-market. For 5 entertaining years of bedlam, the Bhaskar Awards for the Best Picture goes to the 14th Lok Sabha for “Chor Machaye Shor.”

Lifetime Acievement – The one actor who never seems to leave the stage is Deve Gowda. He has had a rich career in which he has acted in numerous mega-hits. He played the indifferent CM with a profit motive in “No Aankhen Bara Haath”. He captured the spirit of a villager who fluked his way to Delhi in “Ragi Ban Gaya Gentleman”. He portrayed the social worker who opposed infra-structure in “Viroadi”. And a million other such roles. He has a wealth of experience and now an experience of wealth. For amassing an incredible amount of er… wisdom in one lifetime, the Bhaskar Award for Lifetime Achievement goes to Deve Gowda.

That wraps up the 2008 Bhaskars folks. Do send in nominations for 2009.

Disclaimer : All characters and events mentioned above are purely a figment of the petrified author’s imagination.
A marked resemblance (pointed out by PM) in the name of the awards to Christy Bharath’s initiative to spoof the Oscar winners is completely unintended and remarkably coincidental.

Manmohan Singh must be having a tough time priming so many ministers. Take a look at this. As of now there are 49 ministries & 2 departments being handled by him & 38 other ministers. Plus 40 Ministers of State (without independent charge). It’s time to trim. Here is a way to ensure that our cabinet bears less resemblance to a walk-in wardrobe…

1. The Ministry for Women & Child Development will be brought under the Home Ministry, which will then be renamed the Home & Hearth Ministry. After all, Indian Culture says that a woman’s place is in her home. The ‘food’ portfolio will also be brought under the Home & Hearth ministry, because within home, a woman’s place is specifically in the kitchen. Pramod Muthalik will run this ministry. And given his concerns about youth, the Ministry of Youth Affairs will also come in here. So will the Ministry of Environment & Forests. After all, Muthalik is well versed in jungle law.

2. The Ministry of Health will be merged with the Ministry of Culture as both are about bans & compulsions. Ramadoss remains the ideal man to run this. Consumer Affairs might as well come in here because he anyway keeps poking his nose into it. And Public Grievances will be a good addition as Ramadoss gives a lot of grief to the public. And finally, the Ministry of Statistics because he is, well, mean.

3. Our tribal belt is more or less controlled by naxalites (with whom we even have ceasefires once in a while). The Ministry of External Affairs will therefore take over the Ministry of Tribal Affairs. And for the same reason, the Ministry for Development of the North Eastern Region too. Mamata Bannerjee will take over this portfolio. She may not know much about tribes but is wonderful at diatribe.

4. Our national defence appears to largely constitute of words, threats, accusations & codemnations. The I&B Ministry will therefore be brought under the aegis of the Defence Ministry. Kalyan Singh can head this because he currently seems to be sitting on de-fence. He will also be given the Ministry of Petroleum to fuel rumours. And the Ministry of Textiles to effect cover-ups. Kalyan will get the added responsibility of Sports because he seems to show some potential in the triple-jump.

5. The Ministry of HRD and the Ministry for Social Justice & Empowerment are euphemisms for imposing reservation. They will hence be subsumed into the Ministry for Railways. Lalu can continue to head this as he is …er…well-trained.

6. The Ministry of Power will become a giant ministry. Parliamentary Affairs will be added to it, as political power is the only kind of power that is available in this country. And once Parliamentary Affairs is added, Natural Gas obviously comes in. Our government is usually formed by parties with no majority. Hence Minority Affairs is added here. And the constant rifts & alliances make this the logical place for the fission & fusion of the Dept. of Atomic Energy. This mega-ministry can, however, lead to megalomania. So Sharad Pawar will run it. He has a reassuring name that sounds like ‘shared power’.

7. In line with the various subsidies, sops & waivers, the Ministry of Finance will now also include Public Distribution (or redistribution, to be precise). The Ministry of Steel will be renamed the Ministry of Steal, and added to this portfolio. The Ministry of Mines will also be brought in here. In any case, whatever we earn, the FM thinks, “It’s mine.” Ramalinga Raju will be put in charge of this ministry because he is an expert in…er…‘creating’ wealth.

8. The Ministry of Agriculture shall merge with the Ministry for Water Resources and the Ministry for Chemicals & Fertilizers. After all our farmers need water for their crops to drink and chemicals for er… themselves. Indra Nooyi can be invited to run this. Her stint in Pepsi has given her great understanding of sugar, water & pesticides.

9. The Ministry of Tourism and the Ministry of Housing & Urban Poverty Alleviation will be merged. After all, a lot of the urban poor are currently staying in our monuments. Noting the fact that more people visit Infosys than Taj Mahal, Narayanmoorthy will assume charge of this ministry. And because of that, we shall also bung in the Ministry of Science & Technology as well as the Ministry of Communication & IT. May he bring ROM Rajya to our country.

10. The Ministry of Shipping, Road Transport & Highways and the Ministry for Civil Aviation will be brought under The Ministry for Overseas Indian Affairs. This is because, if an Indian wants to see roads, highways or some civility in aviation, he has to go overseas anyway. Sonia Gandhi will run this augmented Ministry of Overseas Indian Affairs because she even married an overseas Indian.

11. The Ministry for Urban Development with be merged with Ministry for Food Processing Industries because all our cities are one big jam. Deve Gowda can head this one and continue to put us all in a pickle. The Ministry of Space will be added here because he has a lot of it (between his ears). Deve Gowda will also get the Ministry for Rural Development because he has painstakingly converted many cities into rural areas.

12. The Ministry for Commerce & Industry will be made part of the Ministry for Micro, Small & Medium Enterprises. This is because our government diligently ensures that all our industries stay small & medium. Prakash Karat will run this ministry because he has the right attitude – he views every growth as a cancer. The Ministry of Labour & Employment will be added here to help him push his agenda. And the Ministry of Pensions because a lot of people wish that Karat took his and retired.

13. The Ministry for Heavy Industries & Public Enterprises will now also include the Ministry of Planning. This would enable them to do some heavy planning with little industry. The Ministry of Personnel will be added here because our public enterprises have a lot of public but no enterprise. Vijay Mallya will run this as he his very heavy and very public.

14. We often wonder why on earth we are still harping on Panchayat Raj. So it is logical to merge the Ministry for Panchayat Raj with the Ministry of Earth Sciences. Raj Thackeray can run this because he could also be called Punch-ayat Raj. And he is good at slinging mud. A true son of the soil.

15. There are a few things that we completely lack today but we fondly wish we had sometime in the future. Like wind power, solar power & justice. These will be clubbed into one Ministry. Comprising what was previously the Ministry for New & Renewable Energy and the Ministry for Law & Justice. Bejan Daruwala will run this futuristic ministry.

Phew. Finally we are down to just 15 ministries. This honest, simplified structure would make our government leaner and enable them to become meaner.

Oops, I forgot about the Ministry of Coal. Let’s close it down and transfer its responsibilities to the Election Commissioner Navin Chawla. After all, he’s constantly answering nature’s coal.

Disclaimer : Obviously this is fictional. Look at the title. How can anything that has rational & government in the same sentence be true? After all, if we demand rationality from politicians, they’ll ask us to try the ration shop.

Based on “Jack & Jill.”

Lalu & Rabri could pay any bill,
As they’d made a pile on fodder.
But Lalu fell down and lost his crown,
And Rabri ruled Bihar thereafter.

Based on “Rain, Rain Go Away.”

Rane, Rane go away.
Come again another day.
Ashok Chavan wants to play,
Rane, Rane go away.

Based on “Mary had a Little Lamb.”

Sonia had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb.
Sonia had a little lamb, whose turban was always blue.
Whatever that Sonia said, Sonia said, Sonia said.
Whatever that Sonia said, the lamb was sure to do.

Based on “Hot Cross Buns.”

Oft cause bans. Oft cause bans.
Anbumani, Anbumani,
Will oft cause bans.
If it’s not for smoking,
It’ll be for eating junk.
But Anbumani, Anbumani,
Will oft cause bans.

Based on “I’m a Little Teapot.”

I’m the MNS despot, every law I flout.
These are my thugs and this is my snout.
When I get steamed up, hear me shout.
But when there’s real trouble, count me out.

More to come. In Part 2 – here.

Disclaimer : This post does not claim to be a description of real people and events. It is just childish nonsense. Like our you-know-whos.

An insomniac from Oracle in California just visited my site. And my sitemeter visitor count crossed 10,000 (yeah, yeah, I do get kicks out of stuff like this). Of course, about 2000 of these visits were those that I had made (to check the count). Nevertheless, now that some of you have been lulled into visiting this blog regularly, let me cunningly slip-in a quick cross-promotion for my twitter updates.

I joined twitter a week back and I’m absolutely hooked on to it. All random thoughts can be instantly SMSed to Twitterland and they join an incredibly rich pool of information, entertainment and nonsense. All in a snack-sized length of less than 140 characters. Here are some of my Tweets of last week…

Bakri Id is a week away but the slaughter of (scape)goats has begun.

Chidambaram as home minister. Now I am hoping for a home-loan waiver.

Vilas Rao Deshmukh says that Ram Gopal Verma is not a terrorist. He obviously hasn’t seen RGV Ki Aag.

R.R. Patil said it wasn’t a complete intelligence failure. He was wrong. It was. In his head.

Apparently the dead terrorists were turned away from paradise. Jihad and all that is fine but they shouldn’t have shaved their beards.

Manmohan Singh visited my area yesterday, so all roads were widened and surfaced. Let’s have 25 PMs who criss-cross India non-stop.

All politicians in India will finally come together because they have found a common enemy – the public.

The only reason Barkha still has her job is the fact that her name is an anagram of Khabar.

Ramadoss to ban terrorism in public places.

You can follow my twitter updates by clicking here. And if you are extremely masochistic, you can opt to get the updates as SMSes. I, in turn, solemnly swear, that I will not inflict on you any of the “Ramesh is hungry” or “Ramesh is getting into a plane” kind of titbits that pass off as facebook status updates.

Ramesh

PS : For a hilarious look at facebook status updates, check out face value.