Instead, in true swadeshi style, let’s institute our own Bharatiya Oscars – The Bhaskars. After all, in India, drama, action & comedy aren’t confined to the movies. They are played out in glorious 3-D in all aspects of our life. So here is my list for the 2008 Bhaskars…

Best Story – A Deputy CM demonstrates his adherence to the law by falling in love with a former assistant advocate general. Unfortunately he already has a wife. The Hindu lovers become a Muslim couple – Chand Mohammed & Fiza. Once he has got into her Nikaahs, he decides to go back to his first wife. Fiza attempts suicide, accuses him of rape, and his family of occult practices but Chand is unmoved. He divorces her through SMS and she gets a role in a Bollywood movie. For this fascinating saga involving politics, law, love, religion, crime, horror, glamour & technology, the Bhaskar Award for Best Story goes to Chander Mohan a.k.a. Chand Mohammed for “Fiza Ke Liye”.

Best Screenplay – A bunch of plutocrats indulge in a decadent auction. The auction ends. The action begins. Chargers run out of power. Fancied teams are Royally Challenged. Vijay Mallya sulks. Preity Zinta hugs some Kings. Shahrukh hugs Shoaib. Vijay Mallya sulks. Cheerleaders entertain the crowds. Shiv Sena sulks. Mumbai crowds get folk dancers instead. Harbhajan behaves like a Silly Bhajji. Sreesanth sobs. Preity Zinta hugs him. Vijay Mallya sulks. Akshay Kumar lands in a chopper. Set Max shows a billion ads. Shane Warne leads the most unfancied team to the trophy. Everybody is happy. Except Mallya, that is. For a heady cocktail of money, glamour & action and for ensuring that everybody shamelessly played for the screen, the Bhaskar Award for Screenplay goes to Lalit Modi for “Paisa Bhi Hota Hai”.

Best Music/Song – It was composed by the Songh Parivar and performed by the Ram Sena. Strongly influenced by the Culture Club, it is a lilting malady. The artists used thumping beats and indulged in serious head-banging. It played in many pubs and hit the top of the charts on Valentines day. The Bhaskar for Best Music goes to Pramod Muthalik for his message to youth – “Hurry Home Hurry”.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role – He didn’t want the responsibility of being the star, but played a significant role in the development of the plot. He played the perfect counterfoil to the government. i.e. He countered every move and foiled every plan. For a scintillating performance in which he acted as if he supported the government, the Bhaskar Award for Best Supporting Actor goes to Prakash Karat for “Chowringee Lane to China.

Best Editing – A good script can completely collapse if it is not cut to perfection. A shining example was the Olympic Telecast. An unconventional editing technique was used whereby all interesting action was cut. The audience had to imagine the action by seeing the prize distribution. DD, like any good editor, took us, the audience, on an emotional rollercoaster ride. We wept when rowing was shown instead of gymnastics. We cursed when athletics was cut in favour of Greco-Roman wrestling. We laughed at the “expert analysis”. And we were inspired everytime we saw Vijender punch the air to the tune of Chak De India. Live telecast was transformed by radical editing into a dead telecast. The Bhaskar for Best Editing goes to Doordarshan for “Dekh Sake Tho Dekh Lo”.

Best Costumes – His authority may have been loose but his collar was buttoned. His policies rankled but his sleeve was creased. His words were meaningless and few. For he was a man of Achkan. He faced diplomats with polish (on his shoes) and terrorists with boldness (in his checks). For bathing us in his sartorial splendour, the Bhaskar Award for Best Costumes goes to Shivraj Patil for “Dhoti, Kapda aur Makaan”.

Best Action – He asked for Maa Ki Dal, but got into trouble. He prayed for Man-ki Shakti. And-drew Symonds’ rage. Everybody told him to shut up. So, like Hellen Keller, he decided to let his hands do the talking. His opportunity came when a team-mate showed some cheek on the field. He responded to the cheek with some slapstick comedy. Unfortunately nobody found it funny and he had to face a suspension with disbelief. For a resounding performance that brought tears to the eyes of Sreesanth, the Bhaskar Award for Action goes to Harbhajan Singh for “Thappad Phad Ke”.

Best Actor in a Leading Role – He was over 70 years old, but willing to take up a leading role. Surrounded by friends who were actually enemies and enemies who were actually, well, enemies, he sailed his way with indifferent elan. There were bombs, controversies, recesisions, betrayals, and general pandemonium but he responded to everything with studied, emotionless, underplay. A thoroughly professional actor, he listened to every single thing, his directorji told him. For a convincing performance of acting as if he was leading the country, The Bhaskar Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role, goes to Manmohan for the highly ornamental role he played in “Singh is Bling”.

Best Director – This year, the award goes to not a mere director but a managing director. It’s a story of one man against society. Of a man who defied conventions. A man who fought for his principles. Accounting principles, that is. Who believed that books are not salads to be left uncooked. Who fought against the norm that employees should have a corporeal presence. Who refused to hear his conscience because he had some Auditory problems. It’s a saga of human dreams that would have enraptured even Sigmund Fraud. The best director of the year goes to Ramalinga Raju for “Scamasutra”.

Best Picture – A magnum opus for which 552 villains were assembled (unfortunately, there was no money left-over for heroes). By any stretch of imagination it is the longest movie ever made – 5 years approximately. It’s a movie with no story but lots of plots – devious plots. It’s a fluid script with many actors staging walk-outs. There is no action but lot of motion(s). And commotion. With over 500 people shouting concurrently, the audio levels were so high that even the Speaker packed up. The movie had a message. That while the country is forced into socialism, the parliament operates as a free-market. For 5 entertaining years of bedlam, the Bhaskar Awards for the Best Picture goes to the 14th Lok Sabha for “Chor Machaye Shor.”

Lifetime Acievement – The one actor who never seems to leave the stage is Deve Gowda. He has had a rich career in which he has acted in numerous mega-hits. He played the indifferent CM with a profit motive in “No Aankhen Bara Haath”. He captured the spirit of a villager who fluked his way to Delhi in “Ragi Ban Gaya Gentleman”. He portrayed the social worker who opposed infra-structure in “Viroadi”. And a million other such roles. He has a wealth of experience and now an experience of wealth. For amassing an incredible amount of er… wisdom in one lifetime, the Bhaskar Award for Lifetime Achievement goes to Deve Gowda.

That wraps up the 2008 Bhaskars folks. Do send in nominations for 2009.

Disclaimer : All characters and events mentioned above are purely a figment of the petrified author’s imagination.
A marked resemblance (pointed out by PM) in the name of the awards to Christy Bharath’s initiative to spoof the Oscar winners is completely unintended and remarkably coincidental.

Suddenly there is a flash, and there appears in front of him a bald man with a Ferrous expression. Shivraj notices that the apparition is clad in crude, homespun clothes which are disturbingly crumpled.

Shivraj Patil (raising his eyebrows) : And who might you be oh ill-dressed man?

Vallabhai Patel (sonorously) : I am the spirit of Sardar Patel. The first home minister of independent India. I have come to rebuke you on your terrible performance in the same role.

SP : Fiddledeedee. You are talking through your hat. I have comported myself with dignity, decorum and dandiness. I was a much better home-minister than you ever were.

VP (aghast) : What?! I’ll have you know sir, that I united the country.

SP : Yeah yeah. So did I. Read the papers. Watch TV. Every single person has called for my resignation. Isn’t that true unity?

VP : Well, …er… but people adored me. I was called the Iron Man of India.

SP : Teehee, I too am an Iron man. Check the crisp crease that I have achieved on my sleeve.

VP : C’mon, you know what I mean. Where would Junagadh & Hyderabad be without me?

SP : And where would Gwalior be without me. And er… Raymonds & Vimal.

VP : You know the problem with you? You’re pathetic in a crisis. Why did you reach Cama Hospital so late, that the terrorists got impatient and left?

SP (shiftily) : Oh, I had ..um.. pressing… matters to attend to. Some details had to be.. ah.. ironed out. I had to consult the rest of my wardrobe.. I mean cabinet. So I was a bit delayed.

VP : Seriously, can you tell me, why do you have this obsession with clothes?

SP : Look. Gandhi said something like, “Be the change that you want to see.” I just follow his advice. Sometimes thrice in one hour. Especially if there is some mudslinging going on.

VP : Ok. Ok. Leave your clothes aside. Why didn’t you carry out Mohammad Afzal’s execution?

SP : Like you, I was waiting for instructions from a Gandhi. They screamed, “Hang him.” I said, “Hang on.” (which incidentally is an anagram of Sonia Gandhi)

VP : Leave Afzal. What about all the other terrorists? Why are you so soft on them?

SP (indignantly) : Who said that I was soft on them? Soon after taking up office, I announced that I was ready for meaningful intercourse with the terrorists. Which is just a dignified way of saying that I will f… you know what I mean… like have Congress with them. (Shakes his head) I’m a much misunderstood man.

VP : Oh spare me your tears. I shudder to think that you nearly became the President of India.

SP (wistfully) : Ah. A ceremonial job. I’d have been good at that. Such jobs really appeal to my pansy.

VP : Oh I’ve had enough of your inanities. Obviously I was the better home minister.

SP : Excuse me. Let’s sort this out once and for all. I’m the best home minister India ever had. Simply because, I ensured that people stayed at home. You see, they were too scared to step out. “Home” minister. Get it. Teeheehee (prods Patel). So, go rust in peace, oh iron man.

Sardar Patel is crestfallen. He vanishes in a puff of smoke. Shivraj looks around nervously, in case Ramadoss got a whiff of the puff, and carries on walking. Whistling “Hurry Home Hurry.”

Disclaimer : The ghost of Sardar Patel is as fictional as superman, spiderman and Shivraj’s spine.
Additional Reading : A list of Patil’s gaffes (Economic Times).

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Lalit Modi & Narendra Modi, Ramalinga Raju on Trial, Manmohan Singh calling Customer Service, and Ramadoss meeting Devadoss.

2. Pratibha Patil has put our minds at ease by “strongly condemning” the terror attacks. She probably thought that we were sick with apprehension that she might applaud it. The Deccan Mujaheddin are now expected to be completely demoralized by this presidential rebuke.

3. Manmohan Singh has “called” for the establishment of a federal investigation agency. Uh? Who is he “calling”? Isn’t he the guy who is supposed to set it up? And preferably have set it up by now. It’s like Emperor Nero “calling” for the establishment of a fire department.

4. Commandos are landing on the Nariman Building. They seem to be tip-toeing down. They are communicating to each other through hand signals. Secrecy & surprise are paramount. And NDTV is showing this live!!! With informative commentary on how many commandos have landed and so on. Perhaps NDTV’s research has shown that terrorists only watch cartoon network during missions.

5. Shivraj Patil is peeved that the terrorists didn’t hang around in the Cama Hospital & CST till he landed up. He is probably extremely upset about this grave breach of protocol. Which is why, his description of the events has been “most disturbing“. Reminds me of Humphry Appleby.

6. The CII Chief Mentor, Tarun Das, has suggested that many conferences should be held to combat terrorism. I presume they will meet all day in exotic but safe spots and come out with a resolution condemning terrorism. There goes Al Qaeda’s chances on getting listed in the BSE.

7. While all the TV channels have been uniformly hysterical, Barkha Dutt seems to have emerged as the first among equals in the race for the most words with the least sense. By asking the relatives of hostages bizarre questions – “How do you feel?” and “What will you do if your husband doesn’t come out?”  - she has piled insensitivity on top of stupidity. Basically the thugs have taken the hostages and the media is spreading the terror.

Sat morning

The fighting seems to be over. Now I guess the battles will begin.

One news channel is showing the corpse of a terrorist and claims that the death of this particular terrorist symbolizes the death of terror. NDTV has changed its caption from “War Zone” to “Enough is enough”. Which, strangely enough, is what most people have been telling them.