THE HOPEFULS

HAND – The symbol of the Congress is the Hand. Or more precisely, the palm. Or even more precisely, an open palm. That is waiting to be greased. The five fingers represent the five guiding principles of the party – To keep entrepreneurship under its Thumb. Thus pushing up the consumer price Index after which they can announce sops. To occupy the Middle ground on all issues thereby staying clear of any principles. To Ring up Sonia before making any decision. And to pander to every Little whim of all their coalition partners. The Hand is intended to subliminally indicate that any parliament with too little Congressmen will behave in an underhand manner. Unfortunately, an excess of seats makes them high-handed. The party ran out of partners before the election and thus had no choice but to use its Hand.

LOTUS – There is little need to deconstruct the BJP, because they are pretty good at it themselves (like they demonstrated in Ayodhya). But let’s try anyway. The BJP uses the Lotus as a symbol – A desperate plea for power that goes, “Lotus rule. Please Lotus rule.” They have been attempting to polarize the majority against the minorities. Simply because there are a LOTofUS. Organizations like the RSS, VHP & Bajrang Dal are the leaves of this Lotus, that seem detached on the surface, but are strongly connected at the root. Like the flower, they thrive in murky ponds but try to come out looking good. These days they are into the Swadeshi trip which is surprising, what with their symbol being a Corolla. They might find it difficult to win, because a lot of people consider them to be a bunch of old Phools.

ELEPHANT – The elephant is the symbol of BSP. The animal is sometimes called pachyderm, which means thick-skinned. It is big, powerful and quite comfortable in jungles. The party is led by Mayawati who is seen to be a hard tuskmaster. She lives up to her symbol. She consumes enormous resources (stored in trunks in her house), remembers every slight, tramples over rivals and generally throws her weight around. The elephant has no natural predators but is quite vulnerable to poaching. Personally, Ivory about our country if the elephant comes to power.

BICYCLE – The SP is symbolized by the bicycle. They hope to affect the balance of power. In this world of cars and planes, the Bicycle is the symbol of those who oppose science & progress in the guise of promoting human labour. The Bicycle usually has only one or two seats. In fact, there’s a circus (in UP) where one can see an Elephant riding a Bicycle. Like, the Bicycle, the SP can be bought pretty easily. It is freely available though sometimes expensive. They don’t have much hope of coming to power, but they know that. They are just a bunch of pedallers.

HAMMER & SICKLE – The communists are represented by this combination. Both the objects can be used as weapons – a sharp object that can scythe the opposition or a blunt object that can pulverize dissent. Now that Jyothi Basu is too Sickley, Prakash Karat has become the chief Hammer. The symbol is supposed to represent labour & farmers. So the party tries its best to keep the farmers labouring and the labourers, well, labouring. They pretend to be intellectuals (they are well, red) but they rule their state with an iron hand. Poor Bengal. They have a choice between getting hacked and getting nailed.

THE HOPELESS

LANTERN – Symbol of RJD. Useful if one has a shortage of power. Provided it is adequately fuelled. By doing nothing towards progress, the party ensured that every home in Bihar needed their symbol.

ALARM CLOCK – Used by NCP. Ticks along unobtrusively most of the time, but screeches uncontrollably once in five years. A sharp knock on its head should shut it down. Or atleast ensure that they snooze for a while.

RISING SUN – An apt symbol for DMK. Stands for Stalin & Azhagiri, who are the rising suns (of Karunanidhi). In addition Azhagiri is a mafia dawn in Madurai.

TWO LEAVES – The symbol of AIADMK, or more appropriately, of its leader, Jayalalitha. Supposed to indicate that Amma is double the person that other leaders are. After all, Eve needed only one leaf.

WOMAN CARRYING A BUNDLE OF HAY – The Gowda party, JD(S) has this symbol. A symbol of opportunism. The party makes hay while the sun shines and is a great burden on common people.

FLOWERS – The Trinamool Congress is represented by a flower. It flows from one alliance to the next. Hence a flower. Mortal enemy of the Sickle but usually gets the worse of the exchanges.

Well, that covers most of the buyers and sellers of this election. I only wish that the election commission had allowed this candidate to use a picture of Aishwarya Rai as his symbol. That would have been worth deconstructing.

Anyway, now that we have arrived at a basic understanding of our parties, we can closely look at the alliances that will soon be formed. In my opinion the Hand will pick up the Alarm Clock, and ride to power on a Cycle (decorated with Flowers), basking in the warmth of the Rising Sun. But the power will be quite useless because there will be a Sickle & Hammer behind their back at all times. While the Lotus fades, the Lantern is extinguished and the Elephant eats the Leaves. And the Poor Woman continues to carry Hay.

Disclaimer : The above analysis has as much truth as the party manifestos. Nevertheless, it has been published only after polling is completed so that the Election Commission doesn’t accuse the author of influencing the election. After all, in our country, the voter has to be shielded from the influence of exit polls, debates & issues.  It’s called voting in vacuum.

Based on “Jack & Jill.”

Lalu & Rabri could pay any bill,
As they’d made a pile on fodder.
But Lalu fell down and lost his crown,
And Rabri ruled Bihar thereafter.

Based on “Rain, Rain Go Away.”

Rane, Rane go away.
Come again another day.
Ashok Chavan wants to play,
Rane, Rane go away.

Based on “Mary had a Little Lamb.”

Sonia had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb.
Sonia had a little lamb, whose turban was always blue.
Whatever that Sonia said, Sonia said, Sonia said.
Whatever that Sonia said, the lamb was sure to do.

Based on “Hot Cross Buns.”

Oft cause bans. Oft cause bans.
Anbumani, Anbumani,
Will oft cause bans.
If it’s not for smoking,
It’ll be for eating junk.
But Anbumani, Anbumani,
Will oft cause bans.

Based on “I’m a Little Teapot.”

I’m the MNS despot, every law I flout.
These are my thugs and this is my snout.
When I get steamed up, hear me shout.
But when there’s real trouble, count me out.

More to come. In Part 2 – here.

Disclaimer : This post does not claim to be a description of real people and events. It is just childish nonsense. Like our you-know-whos.

Advani – Namaste. I urge you to vote for the BJP so that we can create history ..er..literally. We will go back to the glory of the Vedas. During the polls, we propose to use the Rig-Veda. And after the polls, we promise to distribute idli-veda. All parliamentary proceedings will start with prayer. In fact, we will rename the parliament Shlok Sabha. Give us a chance. All of us are not communal. Our own party is split into extremists and Modirates. So, vote for us. Please lotus rule this time and I promise you Ram Rajya.

Sonia – Ram Rajya? He must be Tutti-Frutti. I’ll give you Rome Rajya. My party is about reform. Economic Reform – Liberalization will move pasta. Judicial reform – Cases will be tried by azzuri of peers. Land reform – All farmers will get a pizza land. Poverty alleviation – All poor people will get at least a Pavarotti to eat (Italy-vada for the Madrasis). Tourism Development – We’ll open many risotto everywhere. Brothers & sisters, I’m sure you will all vote for me. I feel Sonia to power. But remember, come to the polling booth on time. Don’t be latte.

Mayawati (seated on her plush, red caste-ing couch) – Brahmins, Dalits & OBCs, thanks for coming. Baniyaas, I Vaishya were here. Amar Singh calls my rule Scam Rajya. He has gone Mulayam in the head. As you see, I am the one in the corridors of power. I blocked the coach factory only because I thought it was supposed to manufacture Greg Chappels. If you elect me, I promise efficiency. If you break your hand, you’ll get a scheduled cast. I’ll trim bureaucracy. It will have no OBCeety problem. I’ll build numerous statues honouring scholars and Daliterary achievements. So please caste your vote for me and remember – To BSP is not be SP.

Part 2 with some more er… leaders.
Part 3 with even more.

Disclaimer : Please do not take this post literally. I’ve just used figures of speech. Or perhaps speeches of figures. Whatever.

Tring tring.

Husky Female Voice : Thank you for calling Vodafone. If you want to continue in English press 1. Hindi mein jaankari ke liye 2 dabaeeye. Woof bow wow bark woof 3 bow-wow.

Manmohan presses 1.

HFV : If you are an existing subscriber press 1…(and so on and on and on)

After pressing more buttons than a liftman in the Empire State Building, Manmohan finally gets through to a customer service officer.

CSO (in the tone of a waiter in an Udipi restaurant rattling off the menu) : Thank-you-for-calling-Vodafone-this-is-Rakesh-here-how-may-I-help-you?

Manmohan Singh : Namaste. This is Manmohan Singh, the prime minister of India.

CSO : Yeah sure. And this is the dog from our TVC.

MS : Please don’t be pugnacious. I really am Manmohan Singh.

CSO (skeptically) : Er…is that so? In that case, you will have to answer a secret question to verify your identity.

MS : Go ahead.

CSO : What colour is your favourite turban?

MS : Light Blue.

CSO (startled) : Ofwwrwgf. You are Manmohan Singh. How may I help you sir?

MS : You see, I have some technical doubts regarding my phone. I checked with my Minister for Technology – Kapil Sibal. But he was busy allocating spectrum. He tells me Reliance is going to be given violet and Tata gets indigo. Anyway, coming back to the issue, I would like a tech person to visit me and configure my phone for me.

CSO : Sure sir. Happy to help. Could you tell me what you need? So that I can brief the technician.

Sure. Firstly, I am getting very confused with all the ministers’ names. You see, I have 78 ministers. 30 of them are in my cabinet (which of course, leaves room for nothing but one spare blue turban).  To make my life easier, I want to store their names as nicknames.

CSO : That can be done sir. Why nicknames?

MS : It’s easier to remember them that way. I want Lalu stored as “fodder of the nation”, Arjun Singh as “reservation counter”, Ramadoss as “banned-it king” and so on.

CSO : Can be done. Er…sorry for overstepping my bounds sir. I know I’m just a mere citizen, but why do you keep so many of these people? Why, for instance, do you need Kamal Nath.

MS : Why not, I say. He follows customs. He does his duty. That’s what commerce needs.

CSO : Er… Shivraj Patil?

MS (indignantly) : Please!!! After seeing how Obama won, I am convinced that we need Shivraj. He represents the change platform. Moreover, as home minister, he has redressed every grievance.

CSO : er… I see. Sharad…?

MS : Oh, that Pawar hungry fellow. I don’t really need him. I put him in agriculture only so that our cricket team will do better. You would notice that these days, our players dig themselves in and plough through the opposition. In fact we will be top seeds in the next world cup. All this is because Sharad is the agriculture minister. Imagine what would happen if I gave him fisheries.

CSO : But what about the farmers?

MS : Aw. They are just a confused crop. They drink pesticide and spray Coca-Cola on their plants. Coming back to my problems… I would also like to upgrade from 2G to 3G.

CSO : 3G hasn’t been launched yet sir. Why the hurry?

MS : Oh, no real hurry. So far, 2G was enough. I had only Sonia-ji & Rahul-ji to call. But I heard Priyanka-ji may enter politics. So I just want to be prepared.

CSO : Umm. Noted sir. Anything else?

MS : Yes, yes. I would also like to have different ringback tones for different people. When Prakash Karat calls, I want him to hear “cheeni kum”. It’s good advice for him. Heh Heh. Amar Singh should hear “naach meri bull bull, tujhe paisa milega.” And so on.

CSO : Sure sir. And if Sonia calls…

MS : “Maa tujhe salaam.” And oh, before I forget, I want roaming activated.

CSO (surprised) : You still don’t have roaming sir?

MS (a bit apologetically) : Well, you know, roam wasn’t built in a day. In fact, I’m not a-loan in waivering on this. Chidambaram also doesn’t have roaming. You see, it’s not in our common minimum programme. So whenever I tried to get the facility, the left told me it wasn’t right. I used to think that I could manage without roaming because BSNL had installed a phone in Air India One. But I found out only last week that it was a landline. And silly me, I thought it never worked during flights because it had no air-time.

CSO : We’ll set it up right away sir. Anything else?

MS : Yes. Er… could your technician also teach me how to put the phone in silent mode. You see, the Indian parliament is the best that money can buy. So with all the buying and selling these days, I get calls non-stop. Not just from the MPs but their vassals also. And you know, the MP vassal makes the greatest sound. Heh Heh.

CSO : Of course. Of course. Thank you for calling sir. I’ll send the technician over. Where exactly do you stay.

MS (exasperated) : Obviously Race Course Road. The best address for horse-trading.

CSO : Sure sir. Thank-you-for-calling-vodafone-have-a-nice-day.

Disclaimer : The above conversation didn’t really take place. It is completely phone-y.
References : If you don’t follow Indian politics, this post will make no sense to you (please note that this statement does not imply that this post will make sense if you do follow Indian politics). In that case, do mention it in your comments and I will add the necessary links.

If you liked this post, you may want to read some other encounters like Lalit Modi & Narendra Modi, Ramalinga Raju on Trial, Shivraj Patil & Sardar Patel, and Ramadoss meeting Devadoss.