Part 1 was a selection of tweets that pertained to actual events that happened in 2010. While this post is a selection (with no real standards) of my general views on things, neatly segregated into topics. So you could say that Part 1 comprised my topical tweets organized by time. While Part 2 has my er… timely tweets organized by topic.

Here they are. And as we say in Rome – Caveat Lector.

On media : Who are supposed to be the watchdogs of democracy, but have unfortunately misplaced the watch.

Now that they’ve launched the Crest Edition, the rest of TOI can focus on the trough.

Newspapers have columns, while TV channels have rows.

Every issue has a poll from Barkha, a debate from Arnab, a theory from Rajdeep and of course, a solution from C-Bag.

TV news is weighed down by its anchors.

When entertainment channels start showing reality shows, news channels have to move to fiction, no?

Barkha Dutt came out so strongly against raw news that I’ve started wondering if all NDTV news is cooked-up.

Arnab & Rajdeep will make a fantastic pair. Arnab never lets anyone complete a sentence, while no sentence of Rajdeep is worth completing.

And more on Arnab. You can love him or hate him. But you just can’t interrupt him.

Some people are born Arnab. Some people achieve arnabdom. But most people have Arnab thrust upon them.

Rajinikant once completed a sentence in an Arnab interview.

I wish it had been Arnab instead of Moses on Mt. Sinai. He wouldn’t have allowed God to go beyond one commandment.

On cricket : Where our players topped the ranking, while BCCI continued to top the banking.

Dear BCCI, how can cricket be a cash cow if it doesn’t have UDRS?

The problem with BCCI is that it focusses on “Board of Control” more than “Cricket in India”.

India has now played more ODIs than any other team. As per Bharatiyaar’s advice – ODI vilayadu papa.

Not taking wickets is a cultural thing. In India you don’t dismiss anybody. You just transfer them.

In the Nepali cricket team, every player can be the nightwatchman.

Knock knock | Who’s there? | Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanka Welegedara | Okay, come in one by one.

The last time Ponting showed some form was at the Indian immigration counter.

On Indian players. In batting order (for no reason)

When Sachin bats, there’s “noise in stadium”. i.e. “din in game”. An anagram of “Indian Gem”. Which translates to “Bharat Ratna”. QED.

#tamil Sehwag really lives up to his name. Viru virunu varuvan. Viru virunu adippan. Viru virunu povan.

Rahul Dravid will make a lousy Cinderella. He would just let the ball go.

Most of Laxman’s big partnerships have been with the wall or with the vaal. #tamil

The feeling you get when you see a guy underperform yet again – Jadeja Vu

Dhoni is always ready to help creatures on the verge of extinction. Tigers. And before that Ravindra Jadeja.

It’s a good thing Anil Kumble got a circle named after him. That’s the one place he regularly gets turn.

One must admire Harbhajan’s honesty. He clearly declares that he is off spin.

On Bollywood : Which suffered from a big credit squeeze, that was subsequently passed on to Chetan Bhagat

Release of Rann postponed. Looks like RGV is worried it’ll turn out to be another also-Rann.

Things not looking good for ‘My name is Khan’. You see, it’s an anagram of ‘sank in mayhem’.

The next time my car breaks down, I’m going to call Amitabh Bachchan. I heard he is everybody’s ambassador.

Be very careful when you go to see Raavan. If the ticket price is shown as Rs.200 per head, you may have to pay Rs.2,000.

Raavan seems to suggest that Sita failed the agni pariksha. And became Ash.

And while on Raavan, do you know that Vaali & Sugreeva made the same film thousands of years back. It was a Vaanar Brothers production.

On politics : Where we saw much drama and great comedy. But hardly any action.

Parliament is the place where badly-behaved people have an unruly discussion about what they saw on TV yesterday.

Parliament is a laws-making PSU.

If the govt. takes over google, “I’m feeling lucky” will be replaced by “Do you know who my father is?”

India doesn’t practice democracy. We practice elected aristocracy.

People join politics for public goods.

When a politician says “the buck stops here”, what exactly does he mean?

If “buck” is responsibility, then he’s a good guy. If “buck” is money, then he’s a bad guy. If “buck” is a deer, then he’s Salmaan Khan.

On society : Where we have thought police, moral police, culture police; every kind of police except police police.

I propose that the national song of India be changed to Bandh-e-Mataram.

Corny slogan suggestion : Say nah to the Sena.

Did you know that “it’s Bal Thackeray” is an anagram of “He balatkars city”?

MNS is a mns to society.

MNS demands that flights out of Mumbai should not use Bernoulli’s Principle. They should use Abhyankar’s Conjecture instead.

These violent “nationalists” are a real pain in the RSS.

The RSS is India’s most accessible party. Wherever you may be, they are just a stone’s throw away.

Pramod Muthalik is a champion of fundamental riots.

Just figured out why Pramod Muthalik sent goons to bit up youngsters in the Mangalore pub – His name anagrams to “thump amoral kid”.

The Ramayana had a subliminal message that the Ram Sene pounced on – if you Luv, you won’t be Kush. And vice-versa.

In Haryana – Thrashes to thrashes, lust to lust. If the khaps don’t get you, the cops must.

An optimistic Jat is one who sees that his Khap is half full.

What to tell a cop when he is kicking you out of a pub at 11.30 p.m. : Pitcher abhi baaki hai mere dost. Pitcher abhi baki hai.

General Stuff : The cracks that fell into the cracks

If all the potholes in NH-13 were laid side by side, it would still look exactly like NH-13.

I’ll never run a marathon. In the long run, I’ll be dead.

John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ is completely out-of-date. It says nothing about telemarketers.

This 72 virgins business is an obvious sham. Paradise is actually the place where you get a great Biryani. #hyderabad

Warning : Do not believe this Axe Effect nonsense. A guy called Parashurama tried it centuries back and remained a bachelor all his life.

That’s that folks. I promise you, there’s no Part 3. You could, however, follow me on twitter. And do try Short Puts which is the archive of most of my tweets, with the added bonus of a new color scheme every time you refresh the page.

Disclaimer : Any offence given to any religion, state, nation, sex, profession, sect, caste, family, person, belief or delusion is entirely regretted. In other words, don’t beat me up, I’m a coward.

This was the year in which Kalmadi made a killing, Assange did some spilling, CBI kept grilling, while Manmohan was just chilling.

The year in which Sachin kept scoring, and er.., so did Nityananda.

Many things happened. Lalit Modi was deposed, Yana Gupta was exposed, Rahman composed, while as usual, Deve Gowda reposed.

So here’s the year the way I saw it. On Twitter.

January

Jyoti basu dies at 11.47 a.m., yet again almost making it to P.M.

UPSC increases civil services intake from 580 to 965. Ouch. 385 more bureaucrats each year. A real Babulation Explosion.

Kerala gets 3G services. Now they can call themselves “GGGods own country”.

February

Kishenji announces his phone number : 9734695789 . Now we don’t need the army to fight him. ICICI will finish him off.

Lok Sabha meets. Noise. Confusion. Lok Sabha adjourns. It’s time we rename our parliament the Joke Sabha.

India says no to Bt brinjal. An auberginity lost?

March

Eyjafjallajokull causes much dust, grime, trouble & laughter.

Everybody in India is laughing at the name – Eyjafjallajokull. From Udhagamandalam, to Thiruvananthapuram.

What’s common to Iceland & Abhishek? Both are wondering what to do with ash.

Sania Mirza announces that she’s going to marry Shoaib Malik

Thank God, Sania doesn’t have to do 7 pheras with Shoaib. She’ll never get past the first round.

Anagram of “Sania has a Malik” – “Asli aman ki asha”.

April

ND Tiwari may have to take DNA test. Ha. So far for him, a double-helix was just an interesting position in bed.

Sachin Tendulkar’s birthday today? Let’s celebrate it as runmashtami.

The good thing is that Sachin has turned 37. Which means, for the next 365 days, he will be in his prime.

IPL-3 happens with much glitz, glamour & goris.

Definite Punjab victory over Mumbai today. Mumbai may have the X-factor in Sachin. But Yuvi gives Punjab the XXL-factor.

Matthew Hayden to change his name to Matthew_Hayden. After all he is a chronic under-scorer.

If Vijay Mallya had his way, after the quarter-finals, IPL would have the half-finals & full-final.

And the post-IPL party starts.

If an aquarium can have water and a planetarium, planets, why can’t a consortium have a consort?

Tharoor to Sunanda on Orkut – “will you make fraaaanchise with me?”

Forget floccinaucinihilipilification. The new longest non-technical word will be foxyproxyiniplleadstovilification.

BJP, RJD & BSP want JPC probe into IPL so that NCP will get caught & UPA will be in trouble. Acronymous scenes in parliament.

May

If India were a gym, Delhi would be the sauna, Chennai, the steam-room & Bangalore, the a/c reception. Mumbai will be the pool in 2 months.

Facebook banned in Pakistan? Maybe someone should tell them that “poke” has nothing to do with pigs.

Punjab farmer bids Rs.10L for Car Regn. No. CH01AC0001. What prosperity. CH01AC001 De India.

Kasab gets sentenced

Like all sentences, Kasab’s too ends in a full stop.

If he’s sentenced to death, Kasab will be 51st in the queue. “Capital” punishment just means your file is stuck in Delhi.

Subhash Ghai was ahead of his times. He introduced 4G in 1989. A-G, oh-G, lo-G suno-G.

June

FIFA World Cup provides a lot of kicks

I don’t think Mexico will make any attempt at the Argentinian goal. A Mexican can’t take a shot without salt and lemon.

I think Italy should be allowed to have an extra player on the field. After all, Azzurri usually comprises 12 people.

The feeling of having heard a damn irritating noise before – Deja Vu-vuzela

On the offside, first there is God, then there is Ganguly. And then sometimes Argentina.

If India had qualified for the World Cup, Chetan Bhagat would have been goalie & Mamata the forward. He can block, she can strike.

Germany, Uruguay, Netherlands & Spain. So the big G.U.N.S. have made it to the semis.

TN may free 500 convicts to mark Tamil conference. Why, may i know? Did classical Tamil have shorter sentences?

Ahmedabad to celebrate World Blood Donation day. Hopefully, this time around, they’ll keep it voluntary.

July

Bopanna & Qureshi to play tennis match with Wagah border as the net. Thereby showing that there are faults on both sides.

CWG fun begins

Now I understand why the CWG mascot is called Shera. They want a Shera this, a Shera that, and a Shera everything that makes money.

New HR rating scheme- 5: Exceeds Expectations, 4: Meets Expectations, 3: Average, 2: Needs Improvement, 1: Kalmadi.

Suresh Kalmadi plans to give us the Common & the Games. The rest, he’ll keep.

So Amit Shah is behind the Sohrabuddin fake encounter uh? Makes sense. His name is, after all, an anagram of “a sham hit”.

August

Manmohan becomes third PM to hoist flag at Red Fort for 7th time. Sigh. So many hoisters, so few pearls.

If life gives you lemons, be very happy. They’re now Rs.100 per kg.

I’d like to start a paper factory that supplies clean chits to the CBI. Big business potential.

Congress to have elections to decide its President. Ha. That’s like Robinson Crusoe conducting interviews to select his assistant.

It’s a great day for our planet. All the top places in Miss Universe are bagged by earthlings.

Spot-fixing controversy hits Pakistan cricket

Pakistan is the world champion in book cricket.

There’s actually a website that does nothing but spot-fixing. It’s called Foursquare.

September

CWG action continues

Finally some positive news about the CWG – 5 athletes test positive for dope.

1.6 million meals to be served during CWG. Oh. No wonder they have created such a big mess.

Delhi gets hit by Dengue.

What Delhi needs is some Ram Sene folks. They won’t let the mosquitoes breed till they get married.

I propose that we make mosquitoes our national insect. Then the government will try to protect them and they’ll become extinct.

Kasab case drags on

Sentenced terrorists have a good time in india – They are footloose and phaansi free.

UID launched. The first person gets an aadhar number. The second gets anaadhar number. And so on.

I guess, in Jalandhar, people will soon be bidding lakhs of rupees for a premium UID number.

Ayodhya verdict happens. Seems to be on the basis of Share-ya law.

This Ayodhya issue is quite complex. Hindus want a temple, Muslims want a mosque, while Mayawati actually wants a statue.

Off to Google Maps to mark Nungambakkam as Rameshjanmabhoomi so that there’s no confusion in 5510AD.

Raymonds wants to sponsor the Ayodhya verdict, because it turned out to be a 3-piece suit.

October

Obama’s goal seems to be to see as much of India and as little of Indians as possible.

In TN, a million more TV sets will be distributed. Our whole country seems to be in an alms race.

Advice to Arundhati Roy : if at first you don’t secede, cry, cry, cry again.

Mukesh Ambani is not the first to stay in Antilla. Centuries back, Valmiki used to hang out in one.

November

The more the number of Diwali sweets in your house, the faster they get spoilt. : Burfi’s Law.

Raja scam explodes

A. Raja is living proof that there is a pot of gold at the end of the spectrum.

In India, scams have an alarming frequency. And now, with Raja, frequencies have an alarming scam.

Dear Manmohan Singh, it would be apt if you could sack our telecom minister using radio language : Raja. Over and out.

Manmohan Singh continues to do nothing about anything

Manmohan Singh’s Third Law of Motion : Every action has an equal and opposite inaction.

One day there will be a movie made about Manmohan Singh. And the director will go, “Lights. Camera. Inaction.”

Manmohan Singh’s personal integrity is unquestionable. Mostly because he never attends question hour.

Yeddy allots land to his children

My name is Yeddy. I’m a great father, a cool deddy. Politics has been bleddy, but be happy that I am steddy. ‘Cos else you’ll be stuck with Reddy.

The nation finds out that Radia : Government :: Sonia : Manmohan

Q : How do you fit 1000 media people in a hotel? A : 998 in 499 double rooms. And Barkha & Sanghvi in the lobby.

There was a lady, Radia. Whose contacts could fill stadia. But to get stuff done, she’d trust no one, except the helpful media.

December

Wikileaks threatens national security, or rather politicians’ security

I came. I saw. No one was around. So i took a leak. – Veni Vidi Wiki.

TIME had a difficult choice for Person of the Year. Assange, who attacked governments’ privacy. Or Zuckerberg, who went after people’s.

No no. You have to wear a condom. A red ribbon does not prevent AIDS.

Sarkozy is a VIP Frenchie, right?

Sarkozy to Bruni on Orkut – Shall we be France?

To protect against hacking, DRDO instructs all government officials to change their password from sonia123.

MMS & team are busy blowing balloons for Sonia’s birthday. They’ve told their staff that they’re tackling inflation.

Diggy on the railway, taking some calls. Along came an Injun & broke Diggy’s balls. “Eey,” said Diggy, in a squeak. “Ha,” said the Injun, “now no more leaks.”

Many bills were passed in the parliament session. Travel bills, food bills, etc.

We should also screw China by issuing visas that are attached by mere gem-clips.

There was this guy called Manian. Very very fond of onion. He ate ‘em till it hurt. So he lost his shirt. Now he roams in a chaddi & banian.

More stuff in Part 2. And yes, you can follow me on Twitter here. And if you have as much of a life as I do, you could read the rest of the stuff, on Short Puts.

We’ve been Putting for some time now. And it has been most enjoyable (at least, hic, for me). Anything to do with spirits & conversation usually is. But writing a blogpost means that I have to hunt high & low and unhealthily scrape the bottom of various barrels to string together a collection of PJs. My fingernails then take some time to grow (before I can start scraping again, I mean).

Enter Twitter. Where a PJ can be sent in solitary splendour, and that too instantaneously, before inconvenient things like scruples & judgment come in the way. But then, a problem with Twitter is the lack of interaction. I send my Tweet, and then can only imagine, the groans of unsuspecting readers. In the past, I’ve posted what in my opinion, are the best of my Tweets. But what about the rest? Don’t they deserve to be condemned, castigated & censured too? If you can’t prick them, how will they bleed?

Which is why I’ve now started a new blog (or technically speaking – a microblog) which I can update many times a day by simply posting my twitter updates. So if this blog attempts to replicate a reasonably long drink, that one is more a series of shots. Hence the name – Short Puts. (Suggested by advertise_meant)

Do check it out at http://www.rameshsrivats.net/shortputs. And the more comments you leave, the more chance it has, of becoming some sort of wikipedia of PJs. And btw, my fingernails have grown quite a bit since the last post in this blog. So I shall be putting a new one soon. Cheers.

Ramesh

An insomniac from Oracle in California just visited my site. And my sitemeter visitor count crossed 10,000 (yeah, yeah, I do get kicks out of stuff like this). Of course, about 2000 of these visits were those that I had made (to check the count). Nevertheless, now that some of you have been lulled into visiting this blog regularly, let me cunningly slip-in a quick cross-promotion for my twitter updates.

I joined twitter a week back and I’m absolutely hooked on to it. All random thoughts can be instantly SMSed to Twitterland and they join an incredibly rich pool of information, entertainment and nonsense. All in a snack-sized length of less than 140 characters. Here are some of my Tweets of last week…

Bakri Id is a week away but the slaughter of (scape)goats has begun.

Chidambaram as home minister. Now I am hoping for a home-loan waiver.

Vilas Rao Deshmukh says that Ram Gopal Verma is not a terrorist. He obviously hasn’t seen RGV Ki Aag.

R.R. Patil said it wasn’t a complete intelligence failure. He was wrong. It was. In his head.

Apparently the dead terrorists were turned away from paradise. Jihad and all that is fine but they shouldn’t have shaved their beards.

Manmohan Singh visited my area yesterday, so all roads were widened and surfaced. Let’s have 25 PMs who criss-cross India non-stop.

All politicians in India will finally come together because they have found a common enemy – the public.

The only reason Barkha still has her job is the fact that her name is an anagram of Khabar.

Ramadoss to ban terrorism in public places.

You can follow my twitter updates by clicking here. And if you are extremely masochistic, you can opt to get the updates as SMSes. I, in turn, solemnly swear, that I will not inflict on you any of the “Ramesh is hungry” or “Ramesh is getting into a plane” kind of titbits that pass off as facebook status updates.

Ramesh

PS : For a hilarious look at facebook status updates, check out face value.